A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have always had a problem with my boyfriend’s porn use and we would get into fights about it where he would promise one day he would give it up when he was satisfied with our sex life. I would then promise to let it go and stop snooping on him. However, when we moved in together a couple of months ago, it really started to bother me. It was at the point where he was watching porn more or equal to the times he was having sex with me even though we were together everyday. In the past he would complain that our sex life was monotonous and boring but it was because he would have to do most of the work, since he wouldn’t be able to stay fully hard unless he was on top. So, we ended up getting into another fight but he agreed that he would cut back to improve our sex life. For about 2 weeks, he cut down to 2-3 times a week instead of 5-6, but it bothered me that he would watch it as soon as I left the apartment, even if it was 7 am in the morning. After 2 weeks, in order to make it up to me for something that had gone wrong, he promised me that he would give up porn for a month. He said that he would even stop masturbating at all unless it was with me. He was the perfect boyfriend for 10 days and then he cracked and watched porn. I, not believing that he could do it, snooped on him and became very upset when I discovered it. We ended up getting into a huge fight about that and how I was “patrolling” him. We ended up revising his promise to that he was working on it. So everything was fine until a week later, he was trying really hard to get me to leave the apartment. He said that we were spending too much time together and that he was beginning to feel smothered. I told him that if he needed space, that I could go into the other room and work on my laptop but he still wasn’t satisfied. In my gut feeling, I felt like he wanted me to leave the house so that he could watch porn without having to worry about me walking in on him. I ended up expressing that fear/thought to him and he completely lost it and blew up at me. He was yelling at me calling me a psycho bitch, a grown baby and basically getting pissed off at how I could say something so hurtful. I ended up leaving him alone for the rest of the day and when I came back he was still mad at me. He said that he couldn’t be with someone ungrateful and someone who thought of him as a piece of shit boyfriend. I basically admitted to him that even though he was a good boyfriend, that in the long term I could not spend my life with someone who could never give up the porn. He agreed that he was mainly cutting back just to make me happy and that if I was going to react this way, it was no longer worth the effort to continue. And so, we broke up after almost 2 years together. Even though in my gut I feel like this was the right decision, there is a part of me that is wondering if I made a mistake. What do you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): Whatever you do, do not take your next boyfriend's word for it if he says he doesn't need porn because he's got a girlfriend. I have fallen for that line before. Also don't take the looking at it for tips line.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): You definitely made the right decision. You will gain nothing if you go back to him. If you feel this strongly against porn, you will just end up constantly worrying day and night if he was still lying to you about it or not. What kind of a future is that? This way, he can look all he wants, and it's not on "your time" so to speak.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): If his porn habit/addiction is going to trigger rage and anger at you- it's not healthy. That's guilt making an appearance but instead of true emotion and honesty, he rages at you. Not healthy, honest, or fair. Why porn is NOT a healthy 'past time' and does not support him being your friend and treating you with kindness.What most people fail to realize is that a porn addiction can easily convert into a sex addiction which may lead to infidelity or even To Catch a Pedophile type behaviours.Those men get caught up in the lure of the fantasy of the porn world and then desire to ACT on their fantasy and do not care if having sex with an underaged youth is illegal- obtaining that sexual fantasy goal matters more. They forfeit reason.In the end, you decide what is best for you and being with a loving, tender man that puts you above his lust is what you seek and your EX does not fit the bill.http://pornographyaddiction.com/emotional-and-physical-symptoms-of-pornography-addiction/http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-are-the-symptoms-of-excessive-porn-usehttp://www.treatment4addiction.com/addiction/behavioral/pornography/
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Is right he will do it to the next woman, just like my ex has started looking at porn again since he got over me which is annoying considering the f*cking pain it caused when he had a gf.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): This is what we call irreconcilable differences. These are things that you cannot change, and it will be a constant cause for friction and mistrust on your relationship and you will eventually hate each other.
You gave him all the chances you possibly could bear, and he could not do his part.
This is comparable to dating someone with an alcohol problem, or someone with certain addiction that they cannot break. I'm sorry this is one of those times.
This will not only destroy you on the long run if you stay, bu him too, and you will be wasting time, and if you are together and ahve kids... just imagine it, it would be a disaster, you both deserve to be happy. You are both better off this way, you know you did the right thing.
Also, don;t get too hung up on his words, seems as you are just sexually incompatible with each other.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 December 2012):
 I agree he's an addict not just a casual user.
you did the right thing.
I don't have issues with porn in relationships as long as it does not take precedence nor overshadow the relationship. In your case, it was the number one activity and you made the only choice possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Yyou absolutely did the right thing!!!
It's going to hurt for a while because you did have feelings for him, and I'm sorry for that. But remember this porn issue was only going to get worse. He is likely addicted or very close to it. There is no place for porn in a relationship unless both people agree to it. Plain and simple.
He is putting porn above you, he's got a serious problem. Now he can watch it whenever he likes because he is alone...isn't that what many porn viewers are, alone? And when they find a real partner to have sex with besides themselves, they can't handle it. It's a vicious cycle. Believe me, the next girl that comes around will have to deal with the same thing...she will also leave and he will still not have a clue...he will continue to think he's just finding "crazy bitches"....
You SO did the right thing. And you will find a man, who puts you first and won't bring porn into your relationship. They are out there!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who was into porn to that extent I have made the mistake before, i would of left the first time, it's just something i prioritise.
He was a porn addict. So you did the right thing.
I dumped my ex boyfriend for being interested in porn when dating me within the first three weeks. He liked it too much and made more fuss over them than me. The fact he treated me like a princess in all the other areas was massively overlooked, he had the one flaw that i didn't want him to have.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (4 December 2012):
 " In my gut feeling, I felt like he wanted me to leave the house so that he could watch porn without having to worry about me walking in on him. I ended up expressing that fear/thought to him and he completely lost it and blew up at me."
Your gut was right, that was exactly what he was trying to do. His reaction was very telling, and that of a true addict.
What you've both discovered is that porn can be addictive, and that addiction can wreck a relationship (and more). The cravings, side effects and problems can be very much as serious as a drug addiction.
The sad thing is that an addict will often do anything to rationalise their addiction: he'll probably blame the break up on you and then continue to masturbate to porn more and more.
I suggest you take a look at this website: yourbrainonporn.com. In particular I recommend this video series:
http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series
Once you've read about the science of what's going on, you could try sharing what you have learned with him. The effect of reading that site on most porn addicts is that they often (finally) recognize their addiction, it's effects, and then start to want to overcome it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): You did the right thing because despite many chances he still preferred porn to a real relationship with you. As already mentioned, i am only surprised you stayed so long. You are definitely too good for him, so grieve for the man he could have been but remember you left a porn addict who wants to remain one. Hes happy doing his thing, so leave him to it and have yourself a healthy relationship with someone else.
He might come sniffing around after a while. But that will more likely be because he misses your house keeping qualities or a bit of company when hes not otherwise busy! If he does, dont be suckered in by promises. You have already been there and done that and it doesnt work! As an addict, he will need treatment to recover from what he is doing to himself. Hes not going to be cured overnight or be able to resist the temptation to go back to it again. So keep strong and try to move forward now. He is messing up his life, dont let him do the same to yours.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): ". . .he would promise one day he would give it up when he was satisfied with our sex life."
" he agreed that he would cut back to improve our sex life."
"After 2 weeks, in order to make it up to me for something that had gone wrong, he promised me that he would give up porn for a month."
If you're still having doubts about breaking up with this scumbag after he treated you with such brazen disrespect and absolute contempt, insulting and degrading you by rationalizing his porn use as compenasting for your inadequacy as a girlfriend, then I suspect you have your own issues.
"He was the perfect boyfriend for 10 days and then he cracked and watched porn."
If you define a "perfect boyfriend" as one who doesn't have to jerk off to porn in order to boink you, then I suspect you have your own issues.
"He was yelling at me calling me a psycho bitch, a grown baby and basically getting pissed off at how I could say something so hurtful. I ended up leaving him alone for the rest of the day and when I came back he was still mad at me. He said that he couldn’t be with someone ungrateful and someone who thought of him as a piece of shit boyfriend. I basically admitted to him that even though he was a good boyfriend. . ."
If you define a guy who calls you such vile names when you've done nothing wrong and he is at fault as a "good boyfriend," then I suspect you have your own issues.
Please seek counselling, otherwise you'll soon be back with this scumbag or else stuck in an equally dead-end relationship with an equally controlling, verbally abusive loser jerk scumbag.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 December 2012):
 You didn't make a mistake. He was a porn addict, which is different than the occasional discreet porn user.
His porn was interfering with your relationship, in that he couldn't stay hard because of his porn use, and that he was doing it almost every day and had overstimulated his brain into not being able to enjoy conventional sexual relationships.
His complaint of "too much work" comes from the fact that rubbing one off to a video takes no effort. You couldn't have been more accommodating to him.
Your only mistake was not breaking up with him sooner, because you should never put yourself in the place of patrolling or snooping. That destroys a relationship.
You did the right thing by leaving him, and he now has his way, an empty porn life with no one who loves him. I have no problem with occasional porn use as long as it doesn't interfere with a healthy sexual and emotional relationship. But when it gets out of hand is when the problems start.
He'll never change until he wants to break the habit. www.yourbrainonporn.com is a great site about the affects of porn addiction. Don't take what he said to heart, because addicts will say anything when jonesing for a fix. You deserve much better.
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A
male
reader, anonymus2012  +, writes (4 December 2012):
good decision, look into the future, would you really like to be married to a porn addict, o even worst, a porn addict to raise your children? i dont think so, maybe im over the limit, but by the way you describe his habit, looks pretty much to me like a porn addict
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