A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Just wanting to know people's opinions....I asked a question about this before, but there is new information now...My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. From the beginning, he has been very loving towards me, telling me that he loves me, that he wants to be with me forever and get married to me, etc. I only found out recently that while he was saying this to me, he was trying to get over a bad break up that happened only a few weeks before we met! When we had met, he told me this girl was one of his best friends. Now I find out that this "best friend" is an ex who wants nothing to do with him. I had thought something was fishy, and I asked, but he always gave me weird answers. I know I did wrong, but I ended up snooping and I found out that in the beginning of our relationship, he had been writing to this ex's friend saying that he still loved his ex and would always love her and wished he could be there for her in her tough times. I also found out that he was not telling other people about me. In some emails/messages I found, someone asked him if he had met anyone or was seeing anyone, he said no. But by this time we had been dating for four months exclusively. And again, he had been telling me that he loved me, that he wanted to marry me, etc, and in fact took my virginity (saying that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever). From other emails, I just found out he just never told anyone about me, so a lot of his friends and acquaintenances just don't know he's in a relationship!And to be honest, I always felt something was off in the beginning but I could never pinpoint it. Just the way he was with his phone, with his emails etc. But I didn't want to be someone with trust issues, so I let it go and trusted in him. There was a point, in all honesty, at which I felt like less like something was off, and that something had changed for the better, but this was about 8 months into the relationship. He started saying "I love you" a different way that really made me feel the sincerity of it. Anyway. Here I am a year later, having found out all of this. I confronted him about it without telling him I snooped and he lied and said that this girl was just his friend and that there was nothing between them and that he never denied I was his girlfriend. I told him I was afraid that there were bad things in the beginning of the relationship and that I was scared for our future, but he told me he loved me so much and that we could work on things. I thought I could forgive and move on considering how much I love him now and how I do feel that he loves me entirely now. I thought that it was okay since it was the beginning and since now we were good (and there was no evidence of anything suspicious now). I should also say that he treats me so very well, I know he is very caring and thinks of all the little things to do for me which make me happy. But it was hard to let this go, and I ended up asking him again about the ex and denying me, and he lied again. So I finally told him I snooped. Of course he was angry with me and I know I did wrong. And worse, while I regret it had come to that, I don't know if I regret the actual snooping because I would never have known then. I did end up breaking up with him, but it hurts a lot because I realize I still love him. I guess I'm second guessing my actions and just wondering if I over-reacted. And did I need to snoop and find out that answer to that specific question? I don't want to be making excuses, but I can see how he screwed up in the beginning (I'm not necessarily upset that he loved this other girl because he can't help his feelings. I AM upset though that he wasn't responsible enough to take the time to hael before telling me things which I would tend to lead me on, like telling me he wanted to marry me and be with me forever. I don't want to dwell on the viriginty thing though, just because that goes nowhere fast, but yes, it is a factor, too). But yeah, I can see how he screwed up in the beginning, and how he might really love me now. Did I mess up a good thing?? I just feel like I'll never meet anyone like him again, he was so good to me, so kind and caring in every other way. Is it weird that this happened? Was I wrong to discredit all the good we had in our relationship at the end (Actually he treated me well in the beginning too, so I don't want to take that away from him). Did I take it all for granted and basically throw a good thing away?It's true I'm hurt by the lying and the deception in the beginning, and to be honest, I might have had trust issues going forward, but I could have worked on those things. I just don't know...
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (3 April 2012):
He loved his ex and as you are discovering now it is hard to leave someone you love. At the beginning of a relationship there are often insecurities and the snooping you did is understandable. But then it sounds like he really fell in love with you and you became paranoid about what happened when you first met. Maybe if you still love each other you can meet and talk very openly and truthfully about both of your feelings and who lnows, maybe you can make a fresh start?
A
female
reader, Lucky786  +, writes (31 March 2012):
 She "who sticks her nose into a beehive will get more than a nose full of honey."
Snooping is a bad thing and I wouldn't do it because you never know what you'll find. Having found out what had gone on at the beginning of your relationship, you had a choice to either ignore it and say okay he was on the rebound at the time when his feelings were all over the place but we gotten stronger since then. Or you could confront him about it and have to reveal how you found out and his reaction is totally understandable.
You feel deceived by what you found out and he feels deceived about how you found out. It seems to me that there were trust issues between you before this all happened otherwise why would you have done what you did?
As to whether you have messed up a good thing or not, I think you know the answer to that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2012): I think that is bull that he hardly knew you, after four months you know someone enough to know if you love them and you certainly don't keep them a secret from people. He was telling you he loved you and yet keeping his past, his ex and you a secret to his friends while he said all of this and took your virginity. He wasn't too confused to do that. Complete and upper crap on his part imo. He is a liar period as when confronted on this he still continued to lie. It doesn't matter how you found out. The fact that he lied makes his niceness etc. in large part a facade imo. You need to be honest about your emotional state when entering a relationship including exes and whatever else.
It could be that if you didn't break up he would have continued being good to you, but he could alos have decided to leave you and go back to the ex or that he simply wasn't ready for a commitment after putting you through all of this. There are no guarantees but still he lied about something major and that is bad sign for his stability in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (31 March 2012):
 Hm. This is a really tough situation.You already know it was wrong to snoop so I won't beat you up for it, your guilt about it is doing a better job than anyone else ever could.However.I think it was right and for the best that you two broke up. Even giving him SEVERAL chances to come clean about his ex being his ex and not "just a friend", he STILL lied to you. MULTIPLE TIMES. That is...well, to me that's just completely inexcusable. There was no consequence bad enough between you two to necessitate him lying to you, but he did it anyway, which means either he still has residual feelings for her and feels guilty about it, or he's just a habitual liar. Either way, that doesn't look good for the future of your relationship.I say, alll the time, that honesty is the best policy when it comes to things like that. Lying hurts both parties, especially when the truth almost always seems to come out eventually. Liars cannot be trusted. You gave him multiple chances to come clean and make it right, and he refused. That's not the actions of a loving boyfriend. Liars are liars, always.You may love him, and he may love you, but LOVE isn't the only thing that a relationship needs. You also need TRUST and HONESTY, two -extremely vital- things that were very much lacking between you two.It may hurt now...but I think from what you've told us, this is the best option for you right now.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (31 March 2012):
 Hi,
Sorry that you are feeling this way. I have to agree with you that you shouldn't check on your ex-boyfriends privacy, but I understand how you feel, because I did the same thing before. I also agree that it's not his fault for having feelings for his ex, but he should've been honest with you, and you did the right thing breaking up with him. See, if you don't trust your boyfriend, there's absolutely no way a relationship can survive, sure he was nice to you and all, but without trust, it's impossible to have a happy, healthy relationship. I just want to let you know that you did all the right things, and it's not your fault that this relationship didn't work. Again, he was nice, but he needs to resolve his personal issues before getting into a new relationship. I am sure he had true feelings for you, but I believe he also had feelings for his ex.... I am sure he's a nice guy, but I don't think he's ready for a new relationship, so yeah you did the right thing...
I hope you are feeling better, and hope you can find someone that you can trust, and can be honest with you and give you 100%, because that's what you truly deserve...
Best wishes and good luck
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (31 March 2012):
 OK here's what I think.
You were mad at him (and rightly so) about keeping you hidden like a dirty secret when all the while he was harboring feelings for his ex. Where you went wrong was in snooping. You were so caught up in trying to prove him wrong, that you just bulldozed your way through the entire episode. Your hurt and pain completely blinded you, and instead of trying to deal with it rationally, you took the more aggressive route. You got your point across the table, you won, he lost and sadly now, you're not feeling happy about the victory. But while you were in the midst of all flurry, did you ever think what it was all leading up to?
I'm not saying that either one of you is the bad guy here, no that's not it. He was wrong in what he did with you and you pinned him against the wall. So what next? What did you think the conclusion would be? Of course it was heading towards an end, because when things come to such a confrontation, there's no other way out but to end it, because there's no wriggle room, no where left to go.
The problem is that both of you met at the wrong time. I dont think this guy is all that bad, he was just caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, and since he still had feelings for his ex, you got caught in between the mess.
At the end of the day, what you did was for the best. There would have been a lot of resentment from your side had you continued in this relationship. You did not over react. You shouldn't have snooped of course, but your reactions were understandable given the situation. You're feelings his loss now, but you have to ask yourself, was the relationship worth it after all that happened? That's only a question that you can answer because you are the one who's been through it in person. Its natural to only let the good parts shine through when you're pining for someone, but can you take the baggage that comes with it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2012): I think you screwed up more than he did. Your snooping and reading his personal emails, and you also lied initially about snooping...I think this is a far bigger evil than what he did.You see, I don't think he actually did anything wrong. All the stuff that you have big problems about, were at the beginning of the relationship when he still hardly knew you. Everyone has a right to their own private thoughts and to have doubts about their partner during their private moments. Yes he still had feelings for his ex. yes he did not tell other people that you and him were together. He has his reasons for that. When you were at the beginning of the relationship, he may have told you he loved you and wanted to be with you forever, but how is he to know that you will actually work out? He has a right to harbor his private doubts despite what he said to you, because the relationship was still only at the beginning. Just because he denied to his friends that you and him were together, doesn't put him in the wrong. Probably he was afraid that the relationship wouldn't last (since it was still only just started) and maybe he didn't want to appear foolish if he went blabbing to everyone that he was in a relationship only to have it end a month later. I think you were in the wrong for (a) snooping in his emails (b) lying that you snooped (c) after admitting it, insisting that it was wrong of him to not 100% committed to you at the beginning of the relationship. If you had been married then yes I think you should expect that he shouldn't lie about his relationship status. But that's too much to expect/demand for an early relationship, I believe. But anyhow, now you have broken his trust by snooping in his emails, and you still can't accept that he had the right to harbor his own private doubts at the beginning of the relationship. So I think that means that your relationship is done.
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