A
female
age
36-40,
*roken42
writes:My boyfriends and I have been together 3 years in July. We got a house together almost 2 years ago and I love him very much BUT his dad moved in with us when he started going through a divorce almost a year ago. At first he refused- said he didn't want to move in because we are a young couple and doesn't need to intrude or be a burden! He final had no choice because he disnt have the money to get his own place which was fine at the time since it was suppose to be temporary! Again, that was almost a year ago. Now all he does is sit around the house doing absolutely nothing, never picks up after himself, or even offers to help tidy up the house! He is perfectly capable of working - even takes side jobs (construction) all the time. He has never help to pay rent, groceries, utilities, Nothing! He is always using our stuff, never tells us when we run out of necessities and is always asking my bf for money as if he is a money tree. My boyfriend travels a lot for work and when he leaves his dad turns into a different person, he's rude, disrespectful, and is always antagonizing me - even outsiders have noticed. It's finally to the point where I cannot stand to live with him anymore and feel that it's for him to either move out or move in with his daughter which is a single mom and really need the help and she has enough room to accommodate him. Him living with us is creating issues in our relationship because my boyfriend always defends him or gets mad if I ever make one comment about things the dad does that frustrates me or are disrespectful. So do I tell my boyfriend is me or the dad, do I just move out and end the relationship or do I suck it up and deal with him? Although he has no intentions to move out!? Help please, I need an outsiders opinion that doesn't know any of us!
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (3 April 2012):
Yeah, sounds to me then that his dad is just careless about what you want. Since you've already tried to talk to his dad yourself, your boyfriend needs to man up and deal with his dad because it's extremely unfair to you.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 April 2012):
 Your age is listed as 22 - 25. What is going to happen if you decide you want children, are you prepared to have this man who disrespects you treat you like that in front of your babies, that will be teaching them his behaviour is okay.
I honestly feel you need to try to talk to your boyfriend one more time, sit down across from each other at the kitchen table, make sure he is communicating with you, look him in the eye and tell him the living arrangments are not working for you. Ask him if he can see any resolution. Let him know you are prepared to move out in order to keep the realtionship happy. Tell him you understand his loyalty to his father and dont wish to come between them.
The time for action is now, not five years down the track when Dad is 67 or ten years down the track when he is 72, the man is young enough and capable enough to forge a new life for himself NOW.
Your boyfriend can sacrifice his relationship and future with you for his father but there is no need for you to be second best. Dont accept what is happening here!
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A
female
reader, Broken42 +, writes (3 April 2012):
Broken42 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your opinions! It was a relief to see I wasn't out of line. Talking to my boyfriend about his dad is almost impossible, anytime I ever bring anything up he I automatically on the defense about his dad - which I can understand to a point. I also hate bothering the bf with this drama while he's out of town. He doesn't live with his daughter because there are way more resources - 2 acres, a barn for him to work on vehicles in, free food, no kids (his daughter has a 10 yr old daughter also) - I don't blame the man for not wanting to leave. Other than that I don't know why he won't just go live there. Speaking to the father is like talking to a rock. He's 62, stubborn, always right & hard headed. It really is pointless. Tried doing so last October & it ended up in a screaming match because I was not going to let a bum talk to me the way he did. Thanks again for all your thoughts!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2012): Family or not, this man is a free-loader. His behaviour is unacceptable and the fact he becomes more badly-behaved when only you are in the house tells me clearly he knows exactly what he's doing. He behaves when his son is around so he won't get kicked out.You have to tell your boyfriend that you've had enough. Tell him about how his father behaves when he's not around.I think pintopaz's idea of writing everything down and getting it clear in your mind is a really good one.Until you speak your mind nothing will change. If your boyfriend is not willing to support you and ask his father to move on, perhaps it's time for you to move out. It would be a great pity, however, to allows this selfish leech to destroy your relationship.Speak to your boyfriend first, then both of you speak to his father together.If this man is capable of working then there is no need for your boyfriend's sister to have to give him a place to stay. Why should she have to suffer too?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (31 March 2012):
A year is quite long enough for him to have been living with you, and being supported by your boyfriend and yourself.
As it seems you have tried discussing this with your boyfriend, without any success, try once more, ask him how long he expects his father to be living with you, and not contributing. Explain to him again his father's behaviour towards you is worse when he is not there.
If you boyfriend will not listen, or agree to talking to his father and looking for a solution, pack up your bags and move out. If you are paying towards the mortgage on the house or other items in the house, insurances etc, seek legal advice before move out to make sure you are not putting your investment in the house at risk.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 March 2012):
 There must be a reason why his dad is with you and not his daughter's. There's more money at your place I guess. Since you and your boyfriend got the house together, you shouldn't move out. This is what his dad wants so he can have the whole house himself and he gets more resources. Let his boyfriend deal with his dad. If he leaves a mess, then let your boyfriend pick it up. Also discuss with your boyfriend about finances. What amount of money is acceptable when it comes to sharing it with his dad. His dad needs compassion. He also needs therapy to deal with his issues. He needs your son but at the same time it's painful for him to look at a happy couple who reminds him that right now he is old and he has nothing. That's why your boyfriend puts up with him. It's the kind of love and compassion that only a close family member can feel. But definitely his dad needs someone else to talk to. He could be depressed.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (31 March 2012):
Maybe you should try talking to your bf's dad. In a calm adult manner. Don't barrage him with "you do this and you do that." Try to let him know how it makes you feel when he does such and such and you would appreciate it if he could help around the house since he's not working. Try to "befriend" him. Let him know you're on his side, but you can't be supportive of him if he's going to exude poor behavior when you're letting him have a free ride with you two.
As someone whose parents are going through a divorce, it REALLY can cause people to become seriously broke and depressed. I'm not saying that's an excuse for him to be rude and disrespectful, but he may be taking his frustrations and anger out on you as a defense mechanism since he knows he's probably burdening you with his problems.
I don't think you should give up on your relationship. But your boyfriend probably feels caught in the middle if you're asking him to tell his own father what to do. You have to remember it's his father, and even if he knows his dad isn't right--he's the reason why he exists and once upon a time, his dad was probably his money tree.
So just take it upon yourself to talk to him--write it down and rehearse it with yourself. Get perspective from your friends on how it sounds--make sure you're getting your point across but don't come off brash.
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