| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi. I've got anxiety. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He knows all about my issues. And he has supported me through it all. We have had some major challenges due to my anxiety but we have always worked through them.Yesterday we spent the day together, and it was a great day. We had a lot of fun. It was one of the best days we have ever had. When he left my home, he told me he loved me and all was well. Until he went MIA for almost 8 hours afterwards. I was very upset as I had contacted him several times and he did not answer any of my messages. I called him, texted him etc. And my anxiety just went through the roof. I had all kinds of bad scenarios in my head as to why he was not contacting me. When somebody goes silent, there really is nothing worse. Because you are left with your own imagination running wild. And for a person with anxiety, you are fueling a fire which consumes them. So, I sent message after message in a panic. All I wanted was for him to contact me and let me know everything was okay.I was wondering what could have gone wrong so suddenly after we had such a great day?He finally contacted me at 1 a.m. He told me he forgot his phone in the car. And that he started binge watching Netflix and lost track of time. When he was going to message me good night, he said he realized he left his phone in his car. But it isn't like him not to contact me all night, even before he says good night.By this time, I was frantic. I was beside myself. Because I thought it was mean and cruel and thoughtless on his part to not contact me for 8 hours. We are in a 5 year relationship. It is normal for him to contact me. I told him he cannot do that to me again or I will leave him for good. I just can't go through episodes like that for anyone. It is my mental health and nobody can take that away from me.I am wondering now if I was too mean to him? If I over reacted because of my anxiety and said nasty things to him because he triggered it? He said he did not mean to do that. And he apologized and felt very bad. I told him I trusted him with my vulnerabilities. He knows all my flaws and weaknesses and still he let me suffer. Again, he said he wasn't thinking. That he deserves my wrath.I am not sure what I should do? It went from good to bad so fast. I was up half the night panicked and unable to breathe. Your boyfriend is that last person who should cause you such turmoil. He has always been my rock and best friend. He has always listened when I needed an ear. We connect on a level that is deeper than we've ever connected with anyone else.What I need advice on from everyone is do you think I over reacted? Do I place too much responsibility on my bf to ease my anxiety? To not rock the boat so I don't fall overboard? Do I expect too much from him in terms of communication? I am not sure. I told him I never do things like that to him. That with me he always knows where he stands. That he is never left feeling insecure about my love for him. He, on the other hand, is not as vocal. He keeps things inside more. He will not express his feelings as easily. And no wonder I feel insecure. He has told me he loves me but he is not demonstrative. He shows it by doing things for me. But I do need to hear it. I do need affirmation too. I wonder if anyone here thinks 8 hours is a long time without contacting your S.O? It just made me feel unimportant. Like he had better things to do. Or could care less. And after such a great day together?He just made me feel like SHIT.Please help.
View related questions:
best friend, insecure, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2018): You need help.This is not normal and if you keep it up you will lose him.You made yourself feel like shit.You have way more than anxiety going on and you need to be checked.Maybe you are a little bipolar?Get checked.get meds they really help.Your guy is a saint for putting up with this.Be grateful you still have him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2018): You can't use your mental illness as a crutch like you are. I have anxiety too. I had a panic attack just this week. What fun! You can't make a partner your therapy; it's not fair to him or you and threatening to leave is just emotional blackmail. Or maybe you honestly SHOULD go so you can straighten yourself out.IF your anxiety IS being treated with therapy and medications, it sounds like you're not on the right dosage/regimen. It sounds like you have no understanding or perhaps regard for what your triggers are.Mental illness IS an illness, so your thoughts are distorted- you said your guy keeps his thoughts in, isn't vocal about his feelings etc etc. But in a rare moment of openness he TOLD you upon departing that he loved you! Just because you are dating doesn't mean your problems are his problems. You are overrelying on him to fix you and the only person's job that is is YOURS, so take some responsibility and own up.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (30 August 2018):
 Wow! I felt exhausted just reading your post!
At first I thought you were worried that he had had an accident or fallen ill but it appears all you were worried about was that he wasn't reporting in on a regular basis.
Are you getting help for your mental health issues? It is not fair for you to put the whole burden of your anxiety onto your poor boyfriend. He is very understanding and supportive but, after 5 years of this, he must be exhausted too.
To answer your question: yes, I do think you were WAY too harsh on him. We are all responsible for our actions and words, regardless of how we feel.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2018): Hello, it's the lady who posted the question. I'd like everyone to know that both my bf and I are single. Thank you for the good advice so far.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2018): Post script:
If what CindyCares says is true, that this man is a "married-man?" Then keep it up! Drive him back to his wife where he belongs.
She and I agree on the fact that you are very selfish.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2018): Oh my dear, my dear...he has been quite patient with you; and you have to be as patient with him. Our society is filled with people with their mental-health issues and general insecurities. They place a heavy burden on those who love and care for them.
You expect others to be patient and understanding. Why don't you think you owe him the same in return?
Is the relationship all about YOU?
I would venture to say you are so used to blaming your anxiety disorder for your poor behavior; that you don't stop to use courtesy, consideration, or kindness. You're being selfish and a little overbearing. You're behaving more like a spoiled-child. You know right from wrong; and you know what's fair and unfair.
He made a misstep. He is your boyfriend. He is not your 24-hour on-the-job nurse and security service. If your anxiety is out of control; then you need to see your psychologist. Perhaps it's time to be re-evaluated for a different medication; or to try a new type of therapy that will help you to gain better control over separation-anxiety and panic.
Don't be hard on yourself or your boyfriend. Now when it comes to hearing affirmations of love and expressions of endearment; I understand that is very important to people. It's important to me too. Simply tell him how good it would make you feel to hear him say nice things to you. If I had to go by your post, I'd say that might be hard to do right now.
You contradicted yourself when you said how he has supported you through it all;and you also said he does things for you. Then you turned right-around and said he isn't demonstrative of his feelings. What?!! Where I come from, actions speak louder than words. You know you're a handful, and you also know you overreacted. You said he made you feel like shit.
I think it was the other way around. Thats water under the bridge now. Lets back-up!
Most people I know work an 8-hour day, and don't always have access to a phone or time to check-in; while in the middle of their work-responsibilities. We all need personal-time/alone-time to decompress, think, veg-out, and rest. You apparently have a rule he has to check-in with you every other hour to make you feel secure.
Girlfriend...I mean seriously?!! The man is a saint!
I think you need to take your medication, or see your doctor. Before you drive this man out of your life. I understand the most effective treatment used these days is
CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.) If you are not receiving this form of therapy, you should discuss it with your doctor.
If you can't see how unreasonable you're being; maybe it's because your anxiety disorder requires more intense therapy, or a more effective medication. Many people go to the same doctor for years; and remain on the same prescriptions that eventually become ineffective. Maybe you should see another specialist, and consider other updated treatment options. It doesn't seem like your anxiety is being adequately managed.
He didn't really do anything wrong. In your mind you've created drama and unnecessary concern. He didn't jump when you snapped your fingers. Now you're going to blame him for your anxiety. Come on now! That seems very manipulative and quite self-centered. You had better calm yourself.
You have managed to keep a relationship going for five years. Perhaps your anxiety is getting worse. He's only human. He deserves time to breathe, and not be constantly on-duty keeping watch over you. Or checking-in like a teenager who is out past his curfew.
If he hasn't shown how much he loves you. Explain how and why he has been so faithful for five years, in spite of your anxiety disorder? Sweetheart, you need to take an extra-strength chill pill. Your boyfriend may not be a Romeo; but he is as loyal and patient as they come!
God bless you, my dear!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 August 2018):
 I may be wrong, of course, but you totally sound like a regular poster on DC, a lady that, after 5 years, still insists in calling her married lover " my boyfriend ".
If you are this person, or if you are another person involved with someone who is not free , the answer is : anxious why ? By now you should have well figured out that a married man is not in full control of his time, even when he's got quite a lot of leeway. Let's say that he was binge -watching Netflix sat next to his wife, and you can see how he thought better to contact you later on.
If instead you both are free agents, pardon me but yeah, your narration makes one wonder WHAT mental health you are aftaid someone will take away from you, - it does not seem there's a whole lot of it left anyway. OK, I know this is mean ,sorry, but, seriously, you are not a teenager , you should be way past the stage where all the world revolves around you. In other words, you have a problem of rampant anxiety, and obsessive thinking : and ? What are you doing to keep it under control, what are you doing to heal ? Are you seeing a therapist, are you on meds, are you doing any conscious, continuative , substained effort to alleviate the symptoms ( whether it be through physical activity or meditation or sheer will power or whatever ) ? Or the fact that you are " anxious " is a good reason enough to act irrational, stir up drama, guilt trip your loved ones, demand the impossible, and make people around you miserable ?. Is it " I am anxious , so I can do and say anything I want no matter how crazy and entitled " for you ?
Think again. Anxiety is not like Ebola virus, or the plague : something which you get it, and there's not much that you can do about , but hoping in the support and kindness of people
you deal with.
You need to take things into your hands and make changes !
Unluckily, it seems that your bf is enabling you, - when you freak out he soothes you, pleases you and begs for forgiveness, in the intent to calm you down. Perhaps he should show more guts ; he should be the one to read you the riot act and threaten leaving you for good , if you can't behave rationally and respectfully.
I notice another thing, without which I'd be much more understanding toward your anxiery. You were NOT worried about him, but about yourself. Some people get irrationally anxious when they can't get in touch with their loved ones, because they feel that something might have gone horribly wrong. If X does not answer his phone, then it must be because he had a car accident, or a heart attack, or has been robbed at gun point… Your is not THAT kind of anxiety, though. You get all hot and bothered ...because it makes you think " he had something better to do ". Well, and WHAT if he did have something ( temporary ) better to do rather than answering a rainstorm of texts ? Like, having a little me time and devoting ONE night to watch his favourire shows- after having given YOU his time, affection and attention the whole day ?...Do you always have necessarily to come first, no matter what ?
...............................
|
