A
male
age
41-50,
*non_e_mouse
writes:It has been a while since I’ve been here at Cupid asking questions mainly because other than sorting out my life I haven’t been in any sort of relationship to have any issues. Its a bit long... But quite interesting... And there’s quite a bit of background needed:THE ESSENTIAL BACKGROUND BIT...Back in December, before Christmas, I saw a girl down my local pub. As soon as I saw her I was attracted to her. I went away for Christmas to visit family and returned after New Year. On a Friday I popped into my local pub on the way home from work just for a diet coke. She was there but this time the place was practically empty. Whilst having my drink we got talking. Not only was I physically attracted to her but she seemed really nice, well-mannered, polite and friendly – a proper lady. Anyway, after chatting for a bit I finished my drink, said goodbye and went home to get ready as I was going out on the town with one of my mates later on.After continuing to bump into each other down this pub and chatting a bit more and more each time, one Saturday I went down there to meet up with a mate, who later let me down. L was down there and asked me who I was out with that night. I told her I will be meeting people up town, and she asked me to walk her as she was also meeting friends up town.We went into a bar and she met up with her friends and we chatted for a bit before I went off to find my mates who were also out.Things continued like this for a few weeks where it became a regular thing. One time, while up town together, she introduced me to her ex who happened to be out. After a little chat we went to the bar to get a drink and enjoyed the rest of the night.Without my knowledge at the time she got my number off one of my friends during the week and sent me a flirty message out of the blue. I knew who it was right away, we flirted a bit and that was that.A week later a group of us went out and I saw her ex approach her, talk to her and cuddle her. She seemed to be responsive and, not wanting to interrupt anything I stayed back, after a while they kissed and cuddled etc. I didn’t know what to make of this since I was under the impression “we” were going somewhere and she had already told me they split up as “he’s a nice guy but not for me; the difference in cultures just wouldn’t work, he’s got a crubbish job and still lives at home” etc (he’s a Muslim and she’s not) and she was ready to settle down and couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t support himself.A bit out of place, being there on my own with her friends I finished my drink and said my goodbyes, went over to L, who was sitting on her ex’s lap and put a brave face on, smiled and said, “I’m going to make a move now – are you going to be ok?”. She asked me to wait a minute, so I waited by the bar. Her ex walked out past me, she grabbed her coat and came outside with me and L and I shared a cab.She didn’t (and still doesn’t) know I saw them kissing and cuddling. At the time I felt it wasn’t my place to say anything... Afterall, we flirted a bit, but we weren’t together. Maybe it was just a drunken snog or something? So I put it behind me and thought I’ll wait and see what happens.Over the coming weeks we got closer and closer to the point where she was sharing everything with me. It like we were getting so close. She came to mine and we just got a takeaway and chatted. I went to hers and we got a takeaway and watched films. We were so comfortable with each other just being ourselves and so close it was like we were boyfriend and girlfriend. If anything happened, good or bad, I’d be the first to know. I’d be the first person she spoke to that day and the last.During this time I felt myself falling for her even though we hadn’t been intimate (physically).THIS IS WHEN IT ALL GOES WRONG...She made some comments which really annoyed me... Kind of putting me down, I had this with my last relationship so the alarm bells were ringing, and combined with the whole she-fooled-around-with-her-ex thing I suggested we back off as I feel we’re spending too much time together and getting too close.Saturday we decided to talk about it over lunch and met up. We were fine and it was like it was before. We had a great time and she dropped me off and we arranged to go out later. That night we went out and ended up back at hers and we slept together. It was amazing.Next weekend, on Friday, we had arranged to go out and again had a great time. Up until the point we were about to leave the bar... L sat down just to finish her drink and some drunk guy came over, plonked himself down next to her right in front of me (having made a comment to his mate about going to take her home which I overheard) and started to flirt with her... I was annoyed by this and suggested we go grab a taxi... She told me she wanted to finish her drink. Everyone without a drink was ushered out by the bouncers so I waited outside and could see him flirting with her and although she didn’t appear to be flirting back I couldn’t believe she was even entertaining him with the notion she might be interested. She came outside once she had finished her drink and left him sat there. We both walked to the taxi rank where I made it clear I wasn’t happy at all and wanted to go home seperatel. We talked it over and we ended up going back to her place and slept together again.THE SATURDAY FROM HELLWe spent the day shopping which was nice and we finished the day by having a nice late lunch in a restaurant together. After a great day we went our seperate ways and arranged to go out later. A few of us met up in a pub and went on to a club.Who did I see there? Her ex? Now I know this wasn’t arranged... He usually goes to this club but what follows is what finished things for me... I went to the mens room and the place was so crowded I couldn’t find her so I just stood by the dancefloor. Then I see her walking from the ladies and going to talk to her ex. They chat for a bit and then he cuddles her. The look on her face as he cuddled tore me apart. I couldn’t make out whther he was kissing her neck but her face said it all.Once they had finished she told him she had better go find her friends and eventually found me, claiming they had just been talking and he actually helped her to find me. As we continued the conversation I told her what I saw and she said it was nothing more than being friendly. I told her not to go there and I saw her reaction when he cuddled her and not to treat me like I’m stupid.I was fuming and told her I was going home and she can stay with her ex.That was Saturday just gone.QUESTIONS...Why would she do that? Why the games? Surely, I’m not the only person who thinks cuddling an ex is not normal? And especially kissing and cuddling?I feel like I have been strung along and kept there as a sort of fallback or plan B and she was keeping her options open in case something better came along. Perhaps I was nothing more than a “friend-with-benefits”.What do you guys think?She has made some efforts to get in touch the last few days but I haven’t taken the bait. My train of thought at the moment is “you’re an idiot and you blew it” like others before you.This is what happends to me time and time again. I get mucked around and taken for granted.My friends tell me I’m the guy girls meet before they meet the guy they settle down with. Wish someone else would do that job!
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christmas, drunk, flirt, her ex, kissing, lives at home, muslim, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (8 April 2009):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi Serenity,
Thanks for your reply.
"... some girls just like to be hurt or have been hurt soo much that they become use to it...in other words when they run into a guy who is nice (as yourself) they don't recognize that this is what love is supposed to be like"
I think what my friends mean is the girl/s that have had bad experiences in the past don't appreciate me but take it for granted... Then it goes wrong and ends (usually by me).
Second time around they appreciate a nice guy and settle down.
To be honest i find most girls around my age have had bad experiences (I'm 30). This particular one had a fiancee who she was with for 6 years before she caught him having an affair. Then she went out with this ex in my article for "a while".
A
female
reader, Serenity1  +, writes (8 April 2009):
 ok...firstly this paragraph that came out of your post: My friends tell me I’m the guy girls meet before they meet the guy they settle down with. Wish someone else would do that job!is ridiculous. and if they are any kind of friends they wouldn't let something like that come out of their mouth. some girls just like to be hurt or have been hurt soo much that they become use to it...in other words when they run into a guy who is nice (as yourself) they don't recognize that this is what love is supposed to be like. your a good guy and there is a girl out there for you, who will except you for who you are...in contrary to what your "friends" tell you no i don't personally think girls intentionally go out with you to keep them occupied until they find their true love...they just aren't the "one" for you. but be confident in the fact that you don't need a girl that can't make up her mind...moreover...your friends ex obviously doesn't want her or he'd be with her...i wouldn't let her use me to make him mad because this seems to be what she's doing...and he's already let it be known that he can have her but obviously doesn't want her...join his club and not want her either...call her or answer her calls when your bored...best hopes...don't give up...you'll find someone who is only for you...try a book store (barnes and noble), library, museum, instead of a pub. im assuming pub is equal to bar or club. these aren't the best places to meet girls that have genuine and sincere feelings as yourself....
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (8 April 2009):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Honeypie,
This is what I suspected to be honest and why I've told her where to go. I just wanted to hear it from an "outsider".
:)
Anon-e-mouse
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 April 2009):
 Urgh. I'm sorry but she seems to be playing the field - enjoying being single and attractive.
First of, She isn't over her ex. He might not be what she wants long term, but she still "snogs" him when they met.
Secondly, she isn't that into you. You are there, you are a nice guy, it's convenient.
Thirdly, you deserve better.
I know you called her really nice and a lady. A lady don't snog ex's or sit on their lap. They don't bask in the "glory" of the attention of some drunk stranger - certainly NOT i front of you.
I think you were just her FWB or rebound guy :( Sorry hun.
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