A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey my ex broke up with me about a month ago. Everything was going really well we'd made plans to live together when we'd both finished uni as I finish this year but he has one year left. He said that he never had a connection like the one he had with me and that he's never loved anyone like the way he loved me. He didn't break up with me face to face but did it rather over facebook. We were very serious but this was his first gay relationship as it was being with me that allowed him to come out. Everyone accepted it really well and were brilliant with me. Everytime we spoke after the break up he would say that he was hurting so much, that he couldn't get his head round the fact that we were over and couldn't deal with staying in his house as it just reminded him of the relationship. Anyway last week he finally agreed to meet up to speak about the relationship as I had a lot of unanswered questions and still had a lot of feelings for him. We both spoke for hours and we both said that we'd never felt this deeply or had a connection like it with another person and he said that he'd never stopped loving me and couldn't see himself with another person.We then kissed and he tried to initiate stuff but I said that I didn't want it to be just that as I still loved him and only wanted to be with him. He then told me that he wanted to make it work more than anything and asked me to meet up with him for a date a few days later. I then stupidly let stuff happen.Anyway we met up ad everything was brilliant, he said he wanted to get back together but to take things slowly and said that it felt like home being back with me. Stuff happened again between us and I left the following day with assurances that we'd see each other again and that he wanted to come round to mine so he could try and fix things with my family. The last thing he said to me was how much he wanted to make it work and how he hoped so much that I knew that.Anyway the following day we were chatting over text (as he wouldn't re add me on social media because he didn't want "aggro off his family")and he asked me what my plans were for that night and so I said that I might be going out to meet some friends as one of my oldest friends had just messaged me to see if i wanted to do something with her (play pool or go for a drink) as the details weren't set I just said I might go out. He went off with me and said that I was being vague on purpose "to get in his head" I tried to explain to him the reason why I seemed vague but he refused to speak to me and said that I was trying to mess with his head which wasn't the case at all, I ended up staying in that night as he'd made me feel so bad. Anyway he told me that he was going out with two of his straight friends and so I left him to it and went to bed. I woke up the following morning to see a very suggestive picture of him and some other guy I had never seen taken half an hour before I'd woken up (he'd re added me on a more private social media) I then saw this picture and some of my friends who still had him on Facebook sent me pictures of him that had been posted on his facebook of him with another guy looking very cosy (even though he hadn't said anything about going to the gay district) I felt awful seeing these pictures as from past experiences they don't usually bode well. He didn't strike me as the kind of guy to run around with other guys but the fact that he snuck off out and then kicked off at me when I asked him about the pictures (which I thought I was well within my rights to) has left me seriously confused and hurt.When I confronted him about the pictures (I didn't accuse him of anything I just asked him who the guys were as I didn't know them) he got incredibly abusive towards me and basically said I was possessive and not to speak to him again. He's since completely ignored me and has blocked me on everything.Was I in the wrong for asking him about the pictures and did he only tell me he wanted to make things work so he could have sex? I'm really struggling to get my head around this so any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): Thank you. I know it looks like a chunk of the story is missing but that is exactly what happened, when I got in touch with him after he broke things off he just gave me a load of rubbish about not feeling as happy anymore and just basically used really petty excuses. It's really getting to me especially seeing as I've since found out that he's just adding lots of different gay guys and going on nights out with them. I'm just worried that he's putting himself at risk :/
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 May 2016):
 He sounds like a very petty and manipulative person (from what you write) and I agree with Cindy, there is a good chick of the "story" missing, bur regardless...
If I were you, I'd accept that he wasn't such a lovely guy as you thought. That he used you, and then proceeded to play mind games. So I'd let him go. I'd block him back on everything and move on.
Talk is cheap. Actually it's free. A person can make ALL kind of future together plans, but keeping them... that is a whole other level of commitment. A level he REALLY wasn't interested in. It just sounded really good.
Fact that he had a second, more "private" Facebook where he kept you... kind of hints strongly that he wasn't as into you as you were into him.
Sorry, he sounds like a immature craptastic BF. You can do better and deserve better.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 May 2016):
 I guess to answer your question it would help to know why he broke up with you.
The way you tell it, it 's a strange story.
I mean, you still are attracted to each other and you still love each other and you still feel a special emotional connection to each other, and the coming out went well and nobody went berserk....well, then WHY if everything was so peachy and mutual you aren't still together ? Why did he feel that he should break up ?...
It's as if there's a part of the story missing. Like, if his reason had been " I like you very much but I am not ready for committment, I want to go out and experiment ", well, then you'd knew it was about sex because he TOLD you : Ok, feelings and all that jazz,.... but no relatiosnhip and no monogamy.
Anyway .... things are seldom all black or all white, so maybe your ex did not mean it like a shameless lie when he talked about feelings and did not totally use
" feelings " as a bait to get sex out of you: NEVERTHELESS, it's evident that he is thinking only about himself and what works for him, not for you , and that your " thing " is unbalanced. Big double standard here. He does not like the very idea of you being possibly up to something, and likes to know that you are nice and quiet sitting at home and pining for him, while as for himself he wants to be free , go out , have fun, and approach guys in circumstances that in the past led to mischief... no questions allowed, no comments.
In short : yes , IMO you are being royally screwed up and getting the short end of the stick regardless. Yeah he might not have been totally lieing through his teeth, he may still have some lingering feelings... but what does it matter when in practice he does not treat you as his equal and does not give you respect ?
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