A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hey all, I am in a bit of a dilema, Me and my fiance' have been together for 2 and half years. We met on the computer and a little over a year later I moved to be with him. About a month and half ago I found out he had a one night stand with his ex a few months ago. He was very appologetic and we have started counseling and he has completely turned around about most everything that bothered me in the past with our relationship, like lying to me and not be very affectionate, and feeling like he was always right about everything. The problem is I am still getting over the betrayal. I truely see the change in him and know he is trying so hard to be a better person. I believe he really does love me and I know he wants to be with me and only me. The thing I dont understand is last night I was having just a insecure day. I seem to have those more now that I found out about him cheatin on me. I just wanted him to hold me and give me some attention, not a long drawn out talk or anything like that. He told me he was having a bad day and was tired and sore from work and didnt feel like talking or holding me. I tried to push my feelings aside for him. I had him lay down in my lap and rubbed his head and tried to help him relax, but I was still needing some attention myself. Looking for him to help me over my insecure moment. I asked him again later to hold me. And he got so frustrated and told me he didnt feel like it and that I needed to stop pushing him. That all he wanted to do was sit and watch tv with me and relax. That his arms and body hurt from work and he just didnt feel like holding me tonight. I got very upset and told him that I was feeling rejected. That him not wanting to spend a few minutes holding me made me feel like he didnt care about my needs and that I was being pushed away. So my question is, was I being totally selfish and clingy or was it to much to ask of him to hold me and show me a little of comfort. To reassure me of his love for that moment? I know that I am more clingy now than ever before and I know we all have days that we just want to be left alone, but I know in my heart that if he ever came to me and said that he needed me to hold or comfort him, that no matter how I felt I would have done it. Please help me understand how a man's mind works. lol. I know he loves me and he has made so many changes to make our relationship right but I am just so confused as to what happened last night.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): You are not being too clingy at all, it is quite okay to want to be reassured of his love and to want his attention. This is who you are and all you wanted was to be conforted. I feel for you, that kind of a refusal hurts really bad and I am so sorry that you you have to feel that. If he continues to treat you like that, I would think twice about this relationship. there must be someone out there that would want a woman to love in the right way. You seem to be very loving , caring and sweet. You do not deserve this kind of treatment. Hope that he comes to his senses soon. All the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all the great advice. I guess I just need to be more patient. He has been more affectionate in the past month and a half than he ever has been, I guess I'm just more insecure. Now he wants to go out tonight with his friends which is the first time he has been out by himself since I found out about the ex. I'm honestly quite scared. One side of me trust him not to cheat again as I have seen the remorse he has but the side that needed held and feels rejected from last night is now scared that he just dont want to be around me. I am a mess arent I? I am so tired of this roller coaster that my mind is on. Should I bite my tongue and trust him to go tonight? How do I let go of my insecurities and just have him go and not worry while he is gone. I'm sick to my stomach from all this stress and I'm having surgery Tuesday which isnt helping. God I sound like such a whiney baby huh?
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A
female
reader, queenerin  +, writes (19 October 2007):
Girl, I've been in this situation before and I can tell you that it's HIM not YOU. I'm the type of girl that needs to be touched often. That's one thing I like about my boyfriend right now. He is very loving and would never turn me away if I wanted to be held. For some people, affection is important. I'm sure your boyfriend cares about you, but you need to realize theres lots of men in the sea. IF THIS IS A HABIT.. that he isn't satisfying you emotionally.... it is only going to get worse. I say, be strong and if he really wants you, he'll come for you. Get independent. Wait for the right guy. Don't settle for this one... BUT, as that's like insanely difficult.. I know.. but, before I tell you i told you so... you need to just realize you want more emotional satisfaction from the relationship here... right?
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (19 October 2007):
 Stress and depression can make someone more tense and less able to be emotionally available. It may not mean that they don't love you or that their is anyone else. Sometimes we push away those most important in our lives because we are in such a frame of mind that we don't even know how we tolerate ourselves. Give him a little space from time to time. Don't be nagging or pushy when he doens't respond. Try to understand that he just might not have the enery to even get motivated to do anything. Sometimes stress or depression will make someone feel so empty inside they don't even have anything left to give to anyone. It's not necesarily your fault, nor his. If you love him, be patient and show him love and respect. If he isn't willing to cuddle just now then accept it for the moment and when he is ready he will come to you. If he can't sleep or rest while he holds you then try holding him as you sleep. If you are uncertain that he is ok with this ask him "Is this ok with you"? Even if you only do for a little while. It will make you feel better and it could be a boost he needs to know that inspite of all you still love him. It will surely pay off in the long run. Best wishes and may God bless you both
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies. In my question I stated that I layed his head in my lap and rub his head and massaged his temples for quite a while. Then asked again later for some comfort and he refused. I did try to put him first last night. Yes cuddling in bed would have been fine but he refused any touching or holding at all.
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A
female
reader, Jayne1983  +, writes (19 October 2007):
Hi,
I don't think that was unreasonable of you to ask him to hold you even for a moment you must make sure that he shows you the same respect and caring that you show him, you need to ask yourself if this is what you want from your relationship and if you can trust him even though he is changing now how long will it last your feelings matter just as much as his and feeling loved in a relationship is important.
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A
female
reader, Its_X_ +, writes (19 October 2007):
 A) What you asked for was not clingy or selfish in any way whatsoever. Do not feel like you did something wrong. And its right to feel rejected. He's your fiance. He should be glad you even want to be with him.
B) Everyone has bad days. He was just having one of his and you'll have to accept it, but being tired or having a bad day doesn't mean you can't give a little bit of your time to the person you love. And I think he ought to be giving you what you want from what he did.
Don't be down or feel insecure about what happened. It might've just been one of those days where he wants to be alone. I know I have those, and I'm positive everyone goes through them. Don't sweat what happened. It doesn't mean anything.
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A
female
reader, ladysuzanna  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 if he already cheated on you once chances are it will happen again and this business i to tired i could have to broken arms and when you love you would still be able to show that love how hard is it to lye in bed and put you arm around someone and beside you are not 100 sure you can trust that guy anymore find someone new i will give my thoughts about meeting someone over the computer that is not the way to find a man meet him even before he knows your watching him stand back and watch how he acts you be surprises what you see i don't think you ever feel secure with this man again becomes your love is to deep for a man like him i don't think he cares about the real love between two people good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): My wife and I are just the opposite. A couple of months ago we were having daily discussions about a problem I have with her past sexual behavior (I have written about it on this forum). Sometimes the discussions would be somewhat hurtful for both of us and one of the other would begin to cry. If I hurt her and she starts to cry, I have this need to hold her and kiss her, even if I am angry with her. However, if she is angry then she does not care much that I am sad. It's not that she isn't loving most of the time. She is. When she refuses to hold me, I feel even more sad and rejected, but that is the way she is when angry. In another 15 minutes she will get over it and want to hold me.
You said that your fiance' was tired from work. When my wife and I go to bed, I like to cuddle most of the time. Usually she also wants to, but if she is tired, she just wants to be left alone to read. I have to accept that. I know that it is difficult being rejected, but that does not mean that the other person doesn't love you. My wife shows much love for me, but sometimes she just doesn't feel like being close, even when I need her. People handle these kind of feelings differently. We may not like it, but we have to try to accept it if otherwise there is love there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): Maybe he is getting fed up of compensating for his error.
It sounds like he was stressed... you should have offered to give him a massage or something to chill him out and help with his pain. Maybe then he would have wanted to hold you.
On the other hand, you need to get over this betrayal if you ever want to have a solid relationship with him again... you cannot hold it over his head.
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