A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my ex after 11 years. We had lived together for that time and owned a house together, it was a very serious relationship. Four months later I bumped into an “old flame”. We’d never really “got it together” but over the course of 18 years we had regularly shared a cheeky Christmas kiss and often he would call me after to ask me out – I never agreed as I had always been in a relationship. So I couldn’t believe my luck when it turned out that he was single too! He had split from his girlfriend of three years at almost the exact same time I had left my partner. I honestly could not believe my luck.Anyway, we ended up going out on a few dates and he drove to mine (60 miles) for a weekend and we had a really lovely time. We did end up sleeping together very early on but because we had past history we agreed this was ok – this certainly is not the kind of thing I would normally offer so casually.After a couple of dates he told me that he was not over his ex and that he was not ready for another relationship. He said he felt concerned that we were heading straight into another relationship and that it was too soon for him as he had been badly hurt. I said I understood as I felt the same way and suggested the whole “friends with benefits” thing (again this is not something I would normally ever consider but I did not want to loose him!).He said this would complicate things so we agreed to being just friends. This lasted for about 2 weeks before we drunkenly ended up sleeping together again. The next morning it was clear that he thought this was a mistake and reiterated again that he didn’t want a relationship (I suspect our idea of what constitutes a relationship may differ, I lived with my ex every day for 11 years and he had a long-distance relationship where he only saw his girlfriend at weekends for 3 years).I responded by saying that I thought he was foolish to not want to give us a try as, in his words, we had liked each other for years. I announced that when I leave his house I am going to meet someone else and I hoped that he was ok with that. In retrospect I was not very cool as I ricocheted from saying I wanted a full on relationship to basically laying it all out for him on a plate. He simply said it was ‘bad timing’. At the time I was angry with his rejection but in retrospect I think that my behaviour may have indicated to him quite early on that I was on the rebound from my past relationship. I know I am not adjusting to being single very well and I just thought I could start something new with him and all my problems would be solved. So my question is this: Is it possible he picked up on the fact that I was not over my past relationship, and that I expected I could replace my ex with him (I practically suggested moving in with him on the second date) and if so, was his decision not to pursue a relationship because our circumstances? Or does he simply just not like me? The problem is I really like him but I know that it wasn’t fair of me to have been so needy, especially when he is working through his own split, and now I am concerned I have frightened him away for good.
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broke up, christmas, drunk, his ex, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has never been married, so I was never "the forbidden fruit".
A
female
reader, superrrshawna  +, writes (12 August 2008):
 yes it is possible he picked up on the fact that he was your rebound and you were his. it seems like he liked you just fine. your buddy probably just thought the two of you were better than that. concentrate on being just friends for now and see if it develops into something more later on!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): Sweetheart, I know this is hard, but he's just not that into you. When he was married, there was an excitement factor that made you appealing (you were the forbidden fruit) but all along, he loved his wife.
I think you would be best to try and get over him. He will probably hook up with someone else and that will hurt your feeling all over again, best to be pro-active rather than re-active.
Good luck mending that heart of yours :-) Give it a break for now so it can heal.
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