A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together 8months, I was pulling a silly face he didn't like and to stop me doing it he slapped my face, not hard by enough to shock me a little. He knows how I feel about face slapping (from previous bedroom antics) He was very apologetic when I was visually upset afterwards but continued to get annoyed when I was quiet after and made out like it was me causing tension between usAm I overreacting and should I take it as a joke? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Roboaxe  +, writes (22 January 2017):
 That is NEVER EVER okay.
Break up with him. Immediately. It's only going to escalate and get worse.
You deserve so much better than an idiot who hits women.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 January 2017):
 Hitting is never allowed. If you are upset that he hit you and he is blowing it off that's even worse. HE needs to RESPECT your rules.
HE hit you. YOU got upset (RIGHTLY) and now he's trying to make YOU feel bad about setting boundaries.
I tend to let the first time someone does something wrong slide. I do let the know that their behavior is not acceptable but I will give them a second chance to prove to me that they are able to behave in the manner that is expected. IF they can't accept that then the relationship will end.
HE is trying to make it clear that your boundaries are not in his wheelhouse. Tread carefully in determining if you want to continue this relationship since clearly your beliefs and wishes do not mesh with his and he will probably continue to attempt to mold you to be what he wants and needs you to be which is a woman that accepts abuse....
because no matter what people say a slap will become a punch if they can get away with it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 January 2017):
 Not OK.
I don't think there is EVER a good reason for him to slap you in the face "as a joke". How is that funny?
Even IF you allow slapping in the bedroom for whatever reason (as long as you enjoy it and want, it's all good) doesn't mean he now has carte blanche to smack you around.
I'd be REALLY firm with this. And he NEEDS to know it WILL have consequences. Which means if you DO NOT want your face (or anywhere else) you need to STICK to your guns and leave.
If it was me? I'd really reconsider the relationship because I can't believe there is a SINGLE kid out there that hasn't LEARNED that you do NOT hit as a joke and I can't believe there is a SINGLE boy out there that hasn't been told you can't hit a girl (NOT that it would be OK for you to hit either). Even when frustrated... HITTING is not OK.
And OP, IF you DO NOT like being slapped in the bedroom EITHER, YOU need to speak up. I think if ANY partner of mine had tried that I would have LEFT then and there. Things like slapping (for pleasure) needs to be "PRE agreed" on. There need to be CLEAR boundaries here. YOUR BF doesn't have those and plays DUMB when you got upset about it.
I REALLY think you need to RETHINK him as a partner.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 January 2017):
 OH no. You're not overreacting. You're not reacting enough.
You know how the term "Gaslighting" got its name? Because of the 1944 movie Gaslight, in which in part of the movie, the man made his wife feel like she's insane by lowering the gas lights in the house little by little or brighten on cue. When she would notice it and comment on it, he told her that the lights have not changed and that she's out of her mind. He went so far as to get the housekeeper in on the lie. He very nearly succeeded.
Your boyfriend is very nearly succeeding. He is hitting you as a means of control, all the while manipulating you into believing that it isn't the abuse you think that it should be. He's incorporated it into your bedroom life, and it's gotten little by little worse, all the while he's manipulated you into believing that YOU are in the wrong for overreacting.
You need to leave him. There *is* no good relationship that involves slapping *UNLESS* it's very specifically a part of BDSM and done in absolute trust and is consensual. Obviously, this is not the case here. He didn't like what you did, and therefore he slapped you. He didn't do it hard, but the next time will be harder.
You're being abused physically, mentally, and emotionally. You're being gaslighted. You know how the wife in Gaslight got free of her husband? By changing her environment. Once she got away, she saw the reality as it was and not how her husband has manipulated her to see it. You can only do that by kicking this abusive guy to the curve. THAT is the appropriate reaction. That and no less. If you tell him "Do not ever hit me again", he'll comply for a time. Then the control and manipulation will start up again, possibly in a different way.
This guy is really bad news.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2017): Thanks for your responses
When I say slapping is allowed in the bedroom, it's usually to my legs and butt, and isn't too hard
But I've said in the past no hitting my face I felt like that was an appropriate boundary
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 January 2017):
 A joke is funny. I see nothing funny about this.
Although the slap may not have been hard, it was a way of controlling you - just like the anger when you did not react like he wanted you to after his apology.
This is only a new relationship and already he is showing signs of controlling behaviour? In your shoes, I would run - FAST and FAR. Trust me, it will only escalate.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 January 2017):
 No, you were not over reacting. At all.
Where I live , we go by the saying " Giochi di mano, giochi di villano " which more or less means :" Who jokes using his hands is a big fat yokel ". And if your bf ever made it to kindergarten ! , forget further education, I am sure he has been taught that you cannot use your hands to " joke ", and this includes shoving , pinching , and slapping. More so since he knows that you do not admit slapping even in the context of erotic play,- so even less, I imagine, in any other occasion.
I think though that maybe you did not deal with the issue very efficiently by sulking. The message he gets is that he can trespass physical boundaries and then you'll pout and give him dirty looks, .. for a few minutes, and then it's all forgotten till the next time. So if he just puts up with you being " in a mood " for a little while,- he can manhandle you at his heart's content.
You should have been quick, sharp and firm and warned him instantly : This is not acceptable. Do it one more time, and it will also be the last time you see me. And MEAN it- make sure he gets that you mean it- and then, act normal . No sulking.
Of course , you are still in time to explain him the rules after the fact. Sit him down, and tell him calmly but firmly what boundaries he is not allowed to cross. It may be that he does not know that there are certain social and personal boundaries , because of the way he had been raised etc. Fine- then you will be doing him a big favour , by helping him to discard a wrong behaviour. After all, not all girls are easygoing and forgiving. And the next one whom he slaps " as a joke " may have a weird sense of humour herself, and press charges against him for assault. Jusr for the fun of it !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2017): I think maybe he interpreted your funny faces as mocking him, and couldn't handle that, so slapped you (albeit lightly).
No question it is a red flag. With that being said, he is quite young (in his early 20s, right?) so he may not have developed in maturity or boundaries fully yet. You are hopefully opening his eyes that that was not appropriate, even if it wasn't a true "hit", it was still threatening and made you uncomfortable.
Does he have an LD or perhaps aspergers? Why I ask is that sometimes perceived mocking can be a definite trigger...not excusing it at all but sometimes the sensory input is overwhelming and their reactions can become extreme because they feel out of control and want to shut it down.
IF not, sometimes even us neurotypicals can just find stress too much and crack under pressure.
He needs to show you that he can control himself in future. I would wait and see if it was just a one-time incident, but if it repeats I would leave.
The bedroom thing is concerning- under what circumstances did that happen?
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (20 January 2017):
If I may can I ask a a qs or two , only answer if you want too.
1. You said he knows you don't like this face slapping from previous bedroom antics ?
So am I correct in thinking he slap you during sexual intercourse ? If I'm wrong please say .
I'm sorry but slapping something isn't funny .. it's a way of control, it's a form of bullying .. like next time I tell you to stop something i don't like ; this is what you get and what If next time . It's harder ..
I think you need to let him know the next time he physically puts his hands on you in a manner that causes alarm or fear . As I something feel you were fearful . Then it's over .. whether outside the bedroom or inside the bedroom .
He also manipulated you into thinking you were to blame because you didn't readily accept his lame excuse ..
Take care
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 It doesn't sound like he hit you out off anger, I think he was doing it as a joke because you where making faces. He got angry then as men do if we give them the silent treatment. Best just to have told him it was unacceptable to you and leave it at that.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 I think he did it as a joke, and is immature enough to not know how to handle it when he's being told it's not allowed. Like small children will hit each other in kinder garden, you know? Then you tell them it's not allowed, and they sulk about it for a while.
So, maybe no one told him that hitting, whether to be mean or to try and be "funny" isn't allowed? And this was the first time he was told so? But then you say he "knows how you feel" about slapping... I don't know exactly what you mean by this. Do you allow for slapping, but only under certain bedroom circumstances? You need to be VERY clear that slapping, whether for fun or for seriousness, is NEVER allowed in a relationship.
Then let him sulk, but he will get over his hurt pride. To me it sounds like he just haven't had anyone set boundaries before, or maybe he comes from a household where hitting and slapping has been the norm. He learned it from somewhere, and he's young enough to not have had the time to learn otherwise. But being FIRM in NOT ALLOWING IT AT ALL, should be enough for this to never happen again.
And just to be clear, you slapping him is equally bad. So physical violence of any kind, whether for fun or not, is ever allowed in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 January 2017):
 I'd dump him. What you were doing was immature at most, but slapping is not okay. He will not change this behaviour. Leave him before his slaps get harder.
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