A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Very long convoluted story here and in all honesty I think it is over and put to bed. It was a complete non event in reality, but it did affect me quite a lot at the time. I am in a happy relationship now so it’s not something I am going to actively pursue whatever conclusion I come to. Its purely because I’ve recently bumped into the person in question that all of these feelings have come flooding back and I feel I need to dissect them with people. At the time I think I came to the conclusion that this was a harmless flirt that was, in essence, meaningless. I took it too far in my head and was expecting something to come from it. I don’t think I’m after any “answers” really, more just someone to hear me talk through everything that went on confirm to me that I was the problem!!So context on our environment - yes, this happened in the workplace. I know, I know.... We work in theatre and he was one of the visiting artists. So someone I known for about 5 years now but see very infrequently. Possibly once a year at most for around a 6 week period maximum. To begin with I didn’t look twice at his man. He is quite a bit older than me and although he speaks English convincingly enough, there is still somewhat of a language barrier there. We easily misunderstand each other. He is from one of the Balkan countries. This is a married man who of course never talks about his wife. From first meeting he flirted haaaard with me. So much so that I started seeing him differently and attraction began to grow. I will say he is generally a very tactile person. Also a real joker, so is often playing jack the lad, attracting the attention, laughing and joking etc. He is well liked by all that come in contact with him. So although he is quite tactile in general he really did touch me a lot and quite inappropriately. Touching my hair, my face. Complimenting me and calling me beautiful. In my eyes he was coming on strong. In an active way. Not just situational flirting, but approaching me with intent. In the theatre context I am very used to egotistical married men thinking it is their right to behave and treat women however they like but the attention from this man was not like any I had experienced. Not a huge amount more than this intense flirting happened the first year. When I saw him the following year, the level had upped considerably. By this point I would say the sexual tension between us was huge. At one point he kissed me. A very long but closed mouth kiss that I found weird. I was shocked by that move did feel uncomfortable that it was in the work place, but like i said, working in the theatre, the barriers appear to be a lot lower than say an office environment. It’s now started to be cracked down on but only in the last year or so. After “the kids” he pushed me up against a wall and was holding his face very very close to mine. He really was teasing me hard. I got annoyed at this and called him an asshole. He didn’t react but subsequently, when I saw him a few days later, was very apologetic. I didn’t find it sincere though and couldn’t work out his motives. I felt irritated and used by him. I don’t know if I was reading it right but I usually think initial gut feeling is the way to go. So I became more cold with him and he tried harder and harder but was not as sexually aggressive. We left it in that tone when saying goodbye and when he arrived the next year things felt slightly different. It felt like things had deepened and there were more caring vibes than purely sexual. I wasn’t as warm with him as before and kept him at arms length. He was intent on taking me out for dinner but not in the manner than you would assume. It wasn’t an “asking out”. I can’t remember how he worded it as it was about 2 years ago now but he seemed to want to apologise. It was extremely weird behaviour. Not like a normal interaction at all. He asked me outright a few times but I was being evasive as I didn’t think I wanted to meet up with him outside of work. I think I would respond with “maybe” or “I’m not sure”. In the end he sat next to me in the green room passing notes silently, with other people in the room, asking if I would have lunch with him. I acquiesced. When we met he wouldn’t greet me with a hug as he said he had a cold. To me it seemed a clear message. Like this is not going to be affectionate, don’t get the wrong idea. The conversation about over lunch was strange. He wasn’t direct enough for me to take a clear message from it. He was worried he had upset me. I was annoyed at that because I felt like he was pitying me. I told him it was frustrating because I felt there was a build up of sexual tension to an extreme and there was no culmination, and that was all I felt. And that there was no need to be “sorry”. He then said that he had thought about me a lot, very often. And that I was the type of girl to marry. He alluded to the fact that he had been unfaithful to his marriage before in the past, then hesitated. But it was all very confusing. He seems a confident enough man so I took him at his word and my thoughts afterward were - he’s attracted to me enough to flirt with me, that’s it nothing more, maybe he thought he took it too far and got scared (by what, I don’t know. Repercussions at work? Or maybe he actually cared about my feelings? Who blooming knows?) I told a male friend at the time and his first reaction was that he was coming on to me, but I really didn’t see it like that. Anyway, left it at that. When I see him the next year things are similar but I try to be a bit less cold. Still very civil between us. He is still touchy feely and verbally flirty albeit less than before. He insists he wants to hear me sing so we have a brief one on one “lesson”. All is mostly above board. As he was leaving at the end of the run of shows he asks me to please come and see him next time he is in town. I don’t respond. It has been over a year since then. I am no longer working at the theatre but bumped into him in the vicinity and we say hello. He touches my face then grabs my hand and puts his forehead on mine. I have never had this sort of intense interaction with any other male that doesn’t lead to something romantically. It doesn’t bother me at times, then at others I feel like shouting WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I don’t feel he should touch me like that if he doesn’t want anything further. Of course afterwards I wished I had told him that but am always too shocked in the moment. He is out of town now and out of my life and we have no way of contacting each other or being in touch so there is no problem to solve here. I am more interested in having an outsiders perspective on this weird series of interactions that has lasted years. Is the problem mine or his? Was he confused about his intentions or did I misread the situation? Is his behaviour acceptable? Sorry for the ramble but I have had several disturbed nights of sleep after this last encounter as it brings strange feelings back to me. Thanks agony aunts.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 February 2020):
 One thing I forgot to add, OP
Don't be passive in your life. You were just going along with whatever he got up to (to a point) but why? IF you knew he was married why even participate? To what end?
Regardless of what HE wanted, shouldn't you have some personal standards that include NO married men, no matter HOW charming they are?
A person can only be as TACTILE as you LET them. If you LET a MARRIED guy like this touch in manner that seem intimate YOU are setting yourself up for hurt. Why do that?
It's OK to flirt, I'd say but do it with RESPECT for yourself AND the other person's partner or wife. Which means SETTING boundaries. Like NO touching.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 February 2020):
I too agree, he WAS hoping for a short whirlwind romp, since he knew and you knew he would only be around for 6 weeks, it could be fun to get a "quickie" in, here and there with a cute girl that isn't the wife and who KNOWS he is married and hopefully won't expect more than attention and casual sex.
The guy isn't dumb.
The whole tactile thing... Some people are JUST tactile. Some of it might have been cultural too. And some a "charming personality" he puts on. Why? Because it has previously given him the desired results. I BET YOU. And I bet BEING tactile with (especially) YOUNGER women is something he can and could get away with. Because 1. he is charming and 2. he isn't English. It doesn't MEAN anything DEEP.
I remember being on holiday in Romania (this was 45 years ago, mind you) and people would touch both my brother and my hair, stroke our cheeks, kiss our forehead, bless us. TOTAL strangers. VERY tactile, but I'd say appropriate for the fact that we were kids. But definitely part of the culture. Because it was ALL over. Everywhere we went in Romania (and yes we traveled around a lot in those 3 weeks there).
When I was in Poland (maybe 18 years ago) I was pregnant and people were equally tactile (though women mostly). So again, I think it was partially cultural.
He wasn't confused at all. The reason he in the end took you out for a TOTALLY platonic meal was to MAKE sure YOU weren't going to start trouble with him.
He ENJOYED having you "worship" him 6 weeks of the year. Probably made him feel like a rock-star.
It could also be that he ACTUALLY didn't want sex from you, but to have the knowledge that he could "drive you wild", what an ego boost! And lastly, I BET he does it whenever he can get away with it, whether it becomes sexual or not. Maybe that is how he he tries to stay faithful to his wife, by having "almost" encounters? You just never know what makes someone tick.
The thing is, NEITHER of you acted on it, HE is married and you now have a new man.
In short?
I think YOU read FAR more into it than there was. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2020): This man knows what he wants and he's used to be able to get his own way. He wants what you're sitting on to put it bluntly and he'll act out any scenario that he thinks will get him between your legs.
After your first angry reaction (and rightly so) he realised that he had to modify his approach, hence all the regret and apologies. Not real by the way. He sees you as a game that he wants to win (ie bed you) and as you're on the periphery of his life, then it's entertaining for him to carry on this 'flirtation' for as many years as circumstances allow.
This might sound harsh when you believe that he is being genuine, but it is obvious to everyone here that he's just amusing himself. Seeing you affected by his flirtatious behaviour and knowing that he's got into your head. He's a player and is very pleased with your reactions so far. That he's pissed you off by his aggressive approach, but you still like him enough to overlook that and go out for dinner with him. He's like a cat with a mouse....and you've been giving him headroom.
Take away any of the 'nice' translations of his behaviour in your eyes and see him for what he is...a married man who enjoys the conquest of a woman he can see is vulnerable to his moves. As a man who will aggressively push you up against a wall for FFS. With veiled sexual intent. As the nasty piece of work that he is. I doubt you'll agree with me, but if you ever started an affair with him and gave him what he wanted, I think you'd see a very different person than the one you've got in your head, emerge. He's already shown you that he treats women with no respect and that includes his wife. Poor woman. I bet she regrets the day she fell for his 'moves'.
Time to wise up to men like this. He was only being 'nice', whilst he thought there was some hope he was going to get into bed.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (1 February 2020):
 I agree with the others, it’s clear he wants something sexual. Casual, no strings.
The question here is why were you entertaining him? He’s married. How would you feel if your husband was working away trying to get into other females underwear?
Forget about him and move on with your life. No further thought is needed here on the subject, it’s a waste of time.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 February 2020):
 Oh, I think this guy knows EXACTLY what he is doing - and he is STILL doing it. He has got inside your head and he knows it. You do realize, two minutes after he walks away from you, he has probably forgotten about the encounter, don't you? You, on the other hand, are left with the seed he chooses to plant over and over in your head.
You already know this guy can offer you NOTHING and should NEVER have been messing with your head. You are older and wiser now. See it for what it is: an older predator messing with the head and heart of a young girl.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 February 2020):
 I don't believe this man is confused, he seems very sure what he wants, and that is a sexual encounter with you …. he started off aggressively, abusive in fact, and when that didn't work he modified his behaviour a little.
Then he told you he was the type of girl to marry, like dangling a carrot, even though he already has the type of girl to marry waiting for him back at the marital home.
He is abusive and a cheater. Ignore the pheromones which are simply a chemical reaction and next time knee him in the nether regions, which should cool his fake ardour somewhat.
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