A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance has always been self-conscious about his acne. Bad days are occasional, but they do happen, and it causes him social anxiety. A few months ago, he was in an accident that burned his arm, chest, and face, and it has affected how he looks. His self-esteem has plummeted and has manifested into serious insecurity problems. He's introverted and I'm extroverted, and he's previously always been very supportive of my hobbies, interests, and going out with friends, etc. He recently admitted to me that he feels extremely anxious and insecure when I go out with my guy friends (most of my hangouts are coed groups). He says that he trusts me completely but his overthinking is painful. I've been very supportive and understanding. I validate his feelings and also try to express to him that I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. We normally don't communicate much when I go out but I've been checking in on him and sending him photos just so he feels connected with me. I told him that when he's ready, I want to introduce him to my friends (we recently moved to a new city). Right now, going out causes him a lot of anxiety. I've encouraged him to go out with me a few times but he prefers to stay close to me and I let him. He brought up therapy to me and i was happy to hear that he suggested it himself, so he will give that a try. Does anyone have any advice? How can I support my fiance? Also, should I suggest that we get married sooner? We are already living together and have a joint account. We consider ourselves "married" but were waiting to have a celebration next year to tie the knot in front of our family and friends. But I have no problem getting married now and having a reception later on as husband and wife. I feel like it would make him feel more secure.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 February 2020):
 I too would try and have some one-on-one dates OUT of the house. But I don't think YOU giving up your social life will really help him. Not long term. Marrying him sooner is NOT a good idea. So maybe cut down the nights out with friend to BI-weekly, and have a BI weekly date night.
Part of who you are, are the company you keep. That includes friends. If you go from having an active social life to ONLY stay home with him, it will make you unhappy and not the girl he feel for and started to date. I presume he KNEW you had friends before you got together? That you go out one a week or bi-weekly?
DO not enter marriage with unresolved issues. Or rather with BIG unresolved issues.
Also, perhaps introducing him to your friend one or two at a time can help him feel less overwhelmed and self-conscious. He doesn't have to meet them ALL in one go, you know?
DEFINITELY encourage him to seek therapy/counseling. I have met guys who have lost limbs and turn it into a career for one (he now do talks about military life and prosthetics) and one took courses to become a physiotherapist and now works with "wounded" vets.
Stuff happens. It's not all about what or why it happened but how you move forward. Sometimes people get stuck and need help, like your fiance. There is no shame is getting help.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (1 February 2020):
 What a sweet and caring young woman to are. I'm sure that he realizes those wonderful qualities and realizes that other men find those qualities attractive as well. He's feeling very insecure right now and its showing. Of course its natural and he needs time to heal both mentally and physically. I think you should continue to be kind and caring and supportive but do not play into his insecurities or jealousy. He has to learn to deal with what has happened to him. He either trusts you or he doesn't. Those that love him will love him no matter what. I totally get that he doesn't feel comfortable being around others but he should not make you his whole world.
Counselling is an excellent idea. Encourage him to go. He's been dealt a bad hand and he needs strength to cope. Just continue as you are.
I would NOT rush into marriage though until he is in a better place. If you marry now, it actually might be a subject that one day he might turn it into "You just married me because you felt sorry for me" kind of thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2020): OP here. Thank you for your advice. I want to clarify that I don’t go out with guy friends alone. I go out with friends in co Ed groups, once a week, but guys are present. I didn’t realize that my actions didn’t match their words but when I read it from you it’s obvious. I’m more than willing to sacrifice socializing if it will help him heal. I’ll plan some indoor activities for just the two of us this weekend. Thank you for helping me hear him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2020): FatherlyAdvice is absolutely correct!
No, don't rush into marriage!!! He should seek some professional-help first, to overcome his trauma and insecurities. You don't know how long you can deal with his depression and other psychological-issues.
Take your time, there is no rush about marriage under the circumstances. Once you're married, you can't have second-thoughts or regrets, if he gets worse. He has to actually get into therapy to prove he's serious about it.
I'm also feeling a little apprehensive about his wanting to keep you all to himself; while minimizing your social-life. If you're a sociable and outgoing individual; it will start to feel like you're being held hostage, or smothered. There's a bit of the control-freak hidden beneath that layer of insecurity. Don't get too caught-up in being his Florence Nightingale. If you didn't sense something was off, you wouldn't have written DC!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2020): I served in the military medical corps; and I've worked in a veteran's hospital medical lab. I've seen firsthand how young soldiers dealing with injuries, burns, and amputations had to come to terms with their physical-disfigurement and scars.
It takes time. Most of these men and women were still in their late teens and early 20's when they first saw the battlefield; so it's pretty intense when your handsome healthy appearance is suddenly changed.
I think you're doing a wonderful and loving job.
You are so sweet, sincere, and very compassionate. It is important that you continue living your life, socializing, and treating him like a person; instead of an invalid.
The wives and loved-ones of those battlefield heroes do just as you've been doing. Being supportive, encouraging them, and sticking by them as they heal. As you mentioned, there are good days, and bad days.
You can't pander to his every whim; you have to let him deal with life and his misfortune like a man. You can't accept every invitation as his guest of honor at his pity-parties. He's more fortunate than many I've seen under my care; while they were hospitalized for various physical-injuries. Physically, he can do what he always did; without requiring extensive physical-therapy, or use of a medical-prosthesis.
Yes, therapy and counseling is a great idea. Urge and encourage him to actually pursue it, not just talk about it. You're his mate, not his therapist or nurse; although you can serve in these capacities on a limited-basis. I do it because it's in my blood to heal the sick, even though I no longer work in a hospital; I'm now in the corporate sector. I still get called by friends and family for quick medical advice; but I always send them to their doctors anyway! You don't always require a needle injection! That's what they're avoiding. "Does this look infected?" You know!
He's dealing with his physical-healing, and his mental/psychological healing as well.
Healing from burns is a slow and excruciating-process. Depending on the degree and surface-area; there is a lot of tenderness in the damaged tissue. It is painful and frustrating for anyone who has sustained substantial injuries, or suffer a chronic illness. It will test him on a daily-basis; and he won't be easy to deal with, or to comfort for most of the time. Not being medically-trained, your knowledge and ability will be limited on how to comfort him when he is experiencing pain, and it starts to get to him. That often leads to depression.
You're going to make a wonderful wife; and your patience with him is incredible.
I would be a little careful about submitting to his jealousy. That's unrelated to his injuries. He has dealt with acne, but he still has to work and go out in public. He can't hide, and you can't be isolated from your friends and the general public.
Society has conditioned all of us to be hypersensitive, self-conscious, and insecure regarding our appearance. Things are changing these days! People are more accustomed to seeing scars, amputations, and visible birth-defects; because of the activism of advocates for change in these areas. Bringing people out of the shadows! People are even becoming models in the fashion and beauty industry; showing-off their unique birthmarks, scarring, missing limbs, and disfigurements caused by injury. Everyone isn't skinny as a rail!
He will grow accustom to stares, and those who love him will get used to his scars. It hasn't changed you, and that's most important of all. Once you get used to scars and birthmarks, they become invisible and almost your trademark! Like tattoos!
God bless, comfort, and heal your beloved fiance; and may He bless you for your kind and compassionate soul.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 February 2020):
 Your fiance has already told you what he needs from you. You don't want to give it to him. You should resolve this issue long before any further entanglement.
I would not advise him to marry you at all.
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