A
female
age
36-40,
*etobe
writes:Dear Cupids,My long distance bf and I are breaking up and it sucks. We met in the summer and fell head over heels for each other.I returned home after the summer and we kept in touch, however at one point we had a fall out,and we stopped talking for about a month. During that fall out he had his 30th birthday and I just sent him a happy bday text. Later on we began talking and we decided Id fly back to see him (15 hour flight) during xmas. Keep in mind we havent seen each other in 4 months.Ive just returned from my 3 weeks of being with him, and I really was a ride. I began noticing things about him I never noticed before. He began picking fights over petty things being out of place, or about the fact that i packed the cooler box wrong. On Christmas eve, I saw a really angry side of him when I forgot my cell phone at the bar and we went looking for it and couldnt find it. Hell broke loose, He yelled and yelled at me all night, and gave me the cold shoulder when we went to bed that night. He comes from a broken home,and lives with his loving grandparents who have taken him in. I know all this pent up anger must be from his mother who abandoned/kicked him out.Im back in my home town (15hours back home) and he called me in tears explaining that his whole world was falling apart since he almost lost his job for having a terrible attitude at work,his mother will be undergoing a second divorce and that she is suicidal, and now he may be losing me. He feels guilty and regretful and apologized multiple times during that phonecall for the way he treated me. I know that Its best for me to move on, but why cant i help but feel like I should be there for him during this tough time for him? I suppose its the female nurturing type. Yes im not his mother,nor am i his therapist. Hes on his way to trying to be a better person. How can I bite the bullet and just move on? Thank u!
View related questions:
at work, christmas, divorce, long distance, lost his job, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2020): [EDIT]:
Typo and spelling corrections.
"They lose track of their own identities and become completely absorbed into his."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2020): It's normal human-emotion to feel an inkling of sympathy for an ex; and you find yourself wondering what they're doing and all sorts of stuff. Just don't dwell on it too long; or you'll do something dumb like text him. Then you'll have a total relapse and you're back to square-one. I never suggest that people not have compassion. That would be very ungodly and unchristian of me. I wouldn't dare!
The problem with women who finally free themselves from harmful or toxic-relationships, is they have an addiction to and emotional-dependency on these losers. They loose track of their own identities and become completely absorbed into his. Instead of being concerned of your own welfare, you're thinking of him.
He has become a complete rescue project. You have to stop looking back! You know, people do overcome hardships and abuse from their pasts. They do it with determination, the help of mental-health counseling and therapy, through spiritual-worship and prayer; and by building the faith to conquer their fears and trauma. You can live a lifetime blaming your parents, blaming society, and just whining all your life away; and keeping a fan-club of mourners and sympathizers around you. If it doesn't make you any better, they're all wasting their time. He has given-up, and he has let the past consume him. He is full of darkness.
Sorry, my dear, but you are not God. Your presence in his life didn't heal him. He survives on pity, pain, anger, and regret. He doesn't want to let-go of his pain; because he doesn't want to fight for his own survival. Pity is what he demands, but he repays the kindness of those who try to help him with craziness and cruelty. Then he justifies his bad-behavior with the abuse-excuse. We do grow-up, and the past remains in the past. We aren't stuck in suspended-animation. God has given each and everyone of us a present and future. Sometimes we have to rebuild from scratch. Such is life.
The sooner you get him out of your system the better-off you'll be. Stop following-up on him and leave his family alone. He is no longer any of your business. I am sorry to put it so bluntly; but sometimes it's necessary. People get too involved in the drama of others; until they wreck their own lives. They become mentally and emotionally disabled themselves; because they get pulled too deep into the darkness of very sick people. He has his own demons to deal with; and you are better-off keeping well out of his orbit. He loves living a tragic-life, and he will drag you to hell with him! He's a slow-poison in your system, and it's time you move-on so you can build-up an immunity.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 April 2020):
 Good that you are still moving forward.
IT is natural to wonder how he is doing, after all you dated him and at some point cared enough for him to call him your BF.
However, him doing good or bad is out of your hands, that is up to him. Feeling sorry for him, is more for you than him, because it doesn't do ANYONE any good to feel sorry for someone.
He will be fine, at some point. You will be fine too at some point when you have TRULY let go of him and the past. He wasn't good to you or for you. ACCEPT that and think about it every time he creeps into your head.
Just remember wondering and missing him is holding YOU back for meeting someone who WILL be a great fit for you. If you are so caught up in "poor ex, I hope he is OK" you mind and heart is closed off for meeting new people.
He was a mistake. Dating him was a mistake. Those happen but some can be avoided by not repeating the same pattern over and over.
Chin up.
...............................
A
female
reader, Metobe +, writes (22 April 2020):
Metobe is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi ladies, thank you all for your most honest answers.
Here's a 3 month update. Still have gone my separate way and have not made contact with each other since I left.
Recently though, he's been on my mind, I wonder if he's OK and what he's doing. His aunt spoke to me recently and told me that he lost his job, which I'm sure devistated him.
I miss him, but I keep myself busy as much as I can by writing in my journal about it and doing my online work.
I know that speaking to him wouldn't change anything, I just feel this sometimes compelling feeling inside me to want to know how he is.
Rather than resist these feelings I just go on about my day, and see these feelings as just some feelings I am dealing with like an adult and trying to move on ??
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2020): The bottom line is it doesn't really matter *why* he treats you like crap. It only matters that it does. And you can't help him through it. It's not a rough patch, it's obviously an ingrained pattern of behaviour to the point that he got fired for his bad attitude!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 January 2020):
You DID the right thing in ending it and you know it.
While I GET that you also feel that perhaps you should support him during this hard time in his life, YOU don't OWE him anything.
You being there for him won't make him do better at work, won't change his mother's life etc. etc.
He is USING his "bad luck and family drama" as ammo to "emotionally blackmail" you into STICKING around. He needs to stand on his own two feet and not USE other people like verbal punching bags, because he feels his life is shit right now.
Bad things happening in his life DOESN'T excuse his behavior, and you know it.
Wish him well and cut all contact and focus on YOUR life.
You feel in love over a summer, so it was a short enough period of time that HE could be on his best behavior around you, when you went to see him you got a glimpse of the REAL him. How badly he handles stress and dumb stuff. That should tell you RIGHT away that YOU definitely made the right call when you ended it.
Think of him as a summer romance, nothing more.
Cut loose, Move on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2020): "How can I bite the bullet and just move on?"
Just by doing that. Bite the bullet and move on!
He lives hundreds of miles away, and he's a grown-man.
He may suffer anxiety and a variety of other psychological-issues; but you don't need all that drama in your life. He lost his job, because he's a 30 year-old man dealing with "mommy-issues!"
Let him find a professional-therapist. There is nothing your pity can do for him. It's okay to feel compassion and mercy; but it's wise to get the hell out of the way of an oncoming freight train! Any relationship with that guy would be a total trainwreck!!!
Sweetheart, know when you've ducked a bullet! Too often women see rotten-men as pitiful rescue-animals; or they're overcome with a Florence Nightingale complex, thinking they can cure a man's troubled-soul with love. Somehow they could miraculously nursemaid him toward being a better man. That's the fiction you read in romance novels; or the theme of love-stories, chick-flicks, and fairytales. If you kiss a frog, it will remain a frog! Besides being gross!
In the world of reality, you have to use good-judgement and discernment. Run when you see the boogeyman!
If you've spent the majority of your life living by the values passed-down by your parents, earned yourself a degree, and found yourself a career that has set your life in forward-motion...why oh why would you bring a hot-mess of a man into it to screw it all up??? WHY???
You've gotten yourself a full eye-witness account of his temper, impatience, and totally erratic-behavior. His mother abandoned him, but she did not abort him! Life was all she could give him. She sent him to her loving-parents. As you yourself described them, as good-people.
His mother obviously has her issues. It is most unfortunate that she was not ready, or could not find it within herself; to be a good mother to the child she brought into this world. How old was he when she "kicked him out?" Why did she kick him out? She apparently suffers from anxiety-issues herself. The lady is suicidal!!! That doesn't seem like someone capable or rational enough to properly raise a child. He's a grown-man now. Mother has her own life to live, and he has his!
He decided to react to his past-life in the worst-way. What about the love, care, and shelter he received from his grandparents? The people who gave him what his mother couldn't? His repayment for all their efforts is anger? Oh please! Man-baby, get a grip! Better yet, get professional-counseling to help you get a grip!
After seeing his true-colors, your emotional-response is a bit off-the-mark.
You should have been shocked and awed at such audacity! He yelled at you!
Block all means of contact, and get-on with your life. You don't need that drama! Thank God for the distance!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (13 January 2020):
 Each time you feel yourself weakening, remember how he made you FEEL. We forget what people say or do, but it is much harder to forget how they made us feel.
You are being sucked in by his "poor me" stories. Many people have bad relationships with parents but they don't turn out to be jerks like this guy.
Thank your lucky stars you are so far away. Use THAT as an "excuse" if you need one and stay away from this guy. His abuse will only get worse over time. You deserve better.
...............................
|
