A
female
age
30-35,
*intkiss
writes:I am 18 years old. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for two years now, and before that we were best friends. He used to live across the street from me, so my parents know him well. I have never asked my mom if I can sleep over his house, until 5 days ago. Me and my boyfriend wanted to do this for awhile. When I got the balls to ask my mom, "Mom, I am off from work Friday night and Saturday night and I would like to sleep over ***s house." I got the most negative response. My mom yelled at me telling that she doesn't want me to do that and that she doesn't like it. I didn't argue with her and walked away from the situation. Five minutes later, she comes into my bedroom to yell at me some more. Among the things she says include, "It's not normal for someone to want that," "You expect me to be ok with all of this," and also a threat along the lines of "Just because you're 18 doesn't mean you can make that decision. I'll pull the rug from under you fast if you think that's the case." I know the first time that runs through parents mind is sex sex sex. My mom knows that me and my boyfriend have had sex. Honestly, I don't have to sleepover his house in order to have sex because I can do that anytime I want. I believe sleeping with someone you really care about is important and one of the most comfortable feelings. This is all I want to accomplish. We are both off the next two days so we wanted to sleep over and then go to the beach the next morning. Anyways, this is something I really want to do. I have never done anything behind my mom's back (besides an incident a year ago we are now over). I've always been honest to my mom. When my mom tells me that I can't do something, I used to always be discouraged and upset about it (specially if it was something I really wanted to do). I feel like I should, as an adult, make the decision myself. I understand my mom just wants what is best for me, but I believe the situation is truly blown up over capacity. Friends and family suggest that I should just leave tonight, but fortunately for my mom I care about how she feels even though she's done serious shit to me in the past. If I have to, I will pack my stuff and leave. It's just fear that's ultimately stopping me.Advice, a.s.a.p. please?
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 September 2010):
 Here's what I did OP, I moved out at 19 because my dad wouldn't let me spend the night at my boyfriend's house. He, similar to your mother said "My house, my rules. If you can't abide by my rules then there's the door." So I packed my things and lived with my boyfriend and his dad. I also was a part time student and worked full time, didn't have to pay rent but living with 2 males was no picnic. Since I was living there rent free with $50 towards utilities and money spent on groceries they expected me to assume my role in the kitchen. Still it was cheaper than trying to live on your own.They expected me to do everything cook, clean even after school and on my days off. As far as my relationship with my boyfriend we had our ups and more downs. We were fighting constantly because we were spending a lot of time together and I was a little fed up no one helping clean and cook because I still had homework to do. Needless to say I moved back home a year later and broke up with my boyfriend. So, yes it is possible to move out but it's very expensive, and there's that possibility of too much testosterone outweighing your bit of estrogen. Honestly stay home it's cheaper, plus if you move out she may not pay for your schooling or books and we all know how expensive that is. It's really not worth it to move out because you want to sleep with your boyfriend, risk your relationship with your mother, and your schooling to not be paid for. I know you're at that age of where your relationship with your mother is getting strained but your mother will always be there for you, while boyfriends come and go. Us agony aunts can tell you to stay home all we like, but ultimately you're going to have to move out to learn a lesson.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): Q is right, you don't ask if you can move out you just do it. I was 17 when I left home, it's just the next stage of life.
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female
reader, Mintkiss +, writes (11 September 2010):
Mintkiss is verified as being by the original poster of the question OP, here.
I will clarify some things in the air. He doesn't live with his parents, he's lived with his best friend (who is also mine) for almost two years. They have their own apartment together.
Moving out-- a month ago I told my mom I was thinking about doing it. At the time, me, my boyfriend, and three of our friends were planning to move in together. But the plans fell through. Anyways, my mom freaked out about that as well. I told her at night, so it wasn't so bad, but when morning came she had a very nasty attitude with me and her final answer was "Do it, you'll be back. I'm not helping you with anything." Not like I expected her help, but being in college I would probably need help with paying tuition and books. Nothing has come up about moving out again because my mom's reaction would still remain the same. So, I WANT TO MOVE OUT. But this is just one of the MANY things my mom won't allow me to do.
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female
reader, LiveAnnLearn  +, writes (11 September 2010):
 Yes I agree your mum overreacted to say the least plus she already knows you two are having sex for a while, not like she's letting you sleep over knowing you'll lost your virginity on the night. Not sure I understand what made her act the way she did but you know her the best so think about her reasons and do you think they justify what she did; if the answer is yes - try to talk it through with her, if not - put your foot down (as female anonymous said) and do your thing. You don't want to hurt her feelings but you can't let her control you at the age of 18 either, I mean come on, plus I highly doubt it the 1st time you stand up to her she'll demand you to move out. Just think of it as an evolution of your relationship, you got old enough to stop asking her for permissions and she's gonna have to deal with it. Take into account what the male anonymous reader said too, she might be disallowing you simply because she generally disagrees with you having sex, which really isn't so hard to understand.
PS. I totally disagree with the somewhat general opinion that you have to live by someone's rules as long as you're "under their roof", it's just a socially accepted way of manipulation by parents and there's always a way around;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): I think its nice you care about your mothers feelings. But you're 18! Yo may still live under her roof, but you deserve more freedom. At least its your boyfriend that you've known for a long time, not some random guys. And like you said, you're not going there just for sex. I disagree with your mom when she said that its not normal for someone to want that. It COMPLETELY normal for people to want that. I dont think you should pack up and leave until you're ready. I wish you the best of luck.:]
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): Your mom is reacting the way she is because she cares for you, not because she is shocked that you will be having sex, she already knows you have had sex, and are likely having it from time to time. There is a big difference between her knowing you're doing something you know she disapproves of and her giving tacit approval by saying it's okay. Of course it isn't okay; you may feel at 18 you should make the decision, but are you ready to be pregnant? That is one of the consequences that could occur by engaging in sex. And if you are okay with being pregnant, would he be okay with that. A lot of times people think it won't happen to them, and don't ask these questions until after they find out they are. I'd hate to see that happen to you. My recommendation would be to do what you want, but have that conversation about what if to make sure you and your boy friend are in the same place just in case.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 September 2010):
 My advice is that you give this some more time. You only asked your mom for the first time today, and this was your response. Next time you ask, she might be just as furious. The next time... who knows? My thought is that by each time you ask her she grows more accustomed to the idea, gets to think about it, sees that you are serious but in no rush to get your way, and that you eventually will get your way anyhow. At some point you are moving out of home and she will have nothing to say in the manner. Besides, she knows very well that sleeping next to your loved one is one of the most wonderful things in the world. So she only called it unnatural because she was caught off guard. She knows. She needs to think about this.
So, my advice is that you accept that it wont be this time. But keep asking. By each time you ask, if things go the way we want them to, she'll get more and more used to the idea.
I am worried she would possibly kick you out of the house if you go to your boyfriends tonight. Not sure if you are able to live on your own just yet, Ive heard it is particularly hard for people in the states to live on their own while still studying. And then to add into it all: the cost of schooling, which no teenager can afford on their own. Well, 99% of the teenagers can't anyway. So if you are in the position that you can not afford to move out of home yet, don't go to your boyfriends house tonight.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): You're 18 and an adult. You don't ASK your mom if you can go sleep over at your boyfriend's house. You simply TELL her, and then you go do it. And she just needs to accept it. With the responsibility of being an adult, must also come privileges. I went through something similar with my father around your age. If she truly loves you she will accept you as an adult, who makes her own decisions. It is not right and not healthy to allow your parents to control you for the rest of your life. Put your foot down. You don't have a choice. Otherwise she will keep crossing the boundaries as long as you let her, and you will keep having regrets over things you did not have the courage to do. To live life this way is horrible. And this is not coming from another 18 year old. I'm a full adult 28 years old, who speaks from a regretful past in which I allowed my father to control me. Young people seize your power, don't let controlling parents get to you. You will regret it for the rest of your life, if you do.
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male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (11 September 2010):
 I went through the same thing with my parents when I wanted to spend the night with my gf. Both of our parents said it was ok just not in their house which was a pain because they both said the same thing. There is really no way around this except when either of the parents go away for the night so you two have the house all to yourselves. I did that one once. Or what my gf and I do every year is go camping, just the two of us and we get to spend a week together just the two of us. Maybe you could rent a cabin in the summer if you two don't like to camp or a hotel but that one can be quite expensive.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 September 2010):
How do his parents feel about it? She's not comfortable with you sleeping over there due to the fact, you two aren't engaged or married. I give you props for asking her..I'm a little confused that she already knows you guys have sex and there's nothing she can do to prevent it even though she may not like it, I think by letting you spend the night at his house that would mean she's ok with you having sex. Out of respect to my husband's parents we didn't sleep together in the same bed underneath their roof until we were married. Unfortunately, while you're living under your mother's roof you have to abide by her own rules. You may be a legal adult but you are still in her house...the only way to do what you want is to pack your stuff and move out. Live with a relative, friend, or get your own place. And if you can't do that, and go behind her back think of the consequences..What do you think she would do?
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