A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know why I can't get over an old "FWB"/casual relationship.We were "together" on and off for almost a year, and it ended about a year ago. It was emotional torture for the entire time because he would tell me how much he liked me, then back away.. over and over and over again... hardly contacted me unless he wanted to hook up or he needed me to do something for him, until he found someone he found worthy to care about. It felt awful. I don't talk to him anymore, for the record.But every so often I get these "flashbacks" that just make me feel so low, like a worthless and ugly person, both inside and outside, because of this situation. I've been doing everything right - going out with friends, working out, working on lots of projects, having a great career, even talking to quite a few guys, but I can't seem to shake this from my head. I don't feel comfortable being serious with someone because of this. Does anyone have any advice? Am I crazy?
View related questions:
a break Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): You didn't say enough about yourself to answer the "am I crazy?" question so I won't address that. On the front of why you feel bad, it's because you feel rejected and that you weren't good enough to be cared about, and that isn't what happened here at all. We don't know what he was thinking, but what happened is he found someone to help fill a void that he had that wasn't being addressed in your sex fwb relationship. Even though he is a guy, he still has emotional needs and those are real; yes, sex is awesome, but if he found someone willing to give him everything he needed and emotionally committed to that based on your fwb status that makes sense. I would recommend not getting into a FWB relationship, I think they can be bad, and many times one of the people get hurt when the other one doesn't want to continue. My best advice, find someone who loves and cares for you like no other and helps you realize that you are a wonderful, beautiful person inside and out, and then go enjoy the rest of your life.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (11 September 2010):
Hi there. The old friendship with benefits routine.
I have to say that in the last couple of days, I have been reading quite a few of these threads from different females.
It seems like it's very convenient for the guy, because he gets what he wants (the sex), but it's no good for the girls, as they start to get emotionally involved and begin to want more. Especially the longer this type of friendship continues.
For the guys who do this FWB routine, all it is, is sex without the commitment. Apparently a lot of men (or some at least, to be fair), are happy to have sex without ties. They don't want the responsibility of having to treat a lady well, taking her out to nice places and really getting to know her properly. And I guess they don't want to be spending too much money either. So for them, it kind of fills a need - at least for the moment anyway.
On the down side, even as good as this casual sex might be, it can be very short-lived, as beyond the phsyical side of things, there is absolutely nothing. It's very shallow and meaningless, and has no substance.
Perhaps during this time you and him were seeing each other (on and off as you say), he was probably doing the same FWB thing with a few other girls, so that he had the variety - but still no strings attached. So he didn't get bored, just being with one single girl all the time. A pretty free and easy way to live, I suppose.
So I'm guessing that when you said - "till he found someone worthy to care about" - that he rang you or after the last episode of FWB contact, he said that he'd met someone he wanted to know better and get serious with eventually, so called it off with you.
That would be shattering for you, I'm sure.
The problem with having sex too early in a friendship, and especially if it happens at a night out with the girls, you meet some good looking guy at a bar, like each other, get drunk and go home and have sex. It's like what they used to call a "one night stand". Meaning you have sex with someone on the night you meet them, then you never see each other again. So there's no rapport with each other. A lot of these hookups, happen predictably after a few drinks and people let their guards down.
Perhaps this might be how you both met each other. But look, it doesn't matter if that's not the way it happened, maybe it was going out with him on an actual date (after the first meeting), you were all attentive and showing you really like him a lot, so one thing leads to another then at the end of the night - you have sex! That's how it all starts.
Some men are like that. They can see you are really interested in them and will probably do almost anything to keep seeing them. So they say a few nice things to you (because they know that's what you want hear), and it keeps your hopes up, if you think it might lead to something more. They might even throw in the "L" word (I Love You). Some men will say anything to get girls to do what they want.
It would make you feel used and abused, that's for sure.
The one thing you need to do now, is to start believing in yourself and that you deserve better than that. You always did deserve better than that. It's just a rut you got into over time. Don't equate your self worth with that past FWB friendship. You are already worthy, you just have to believe it.
The best thing you could possibly do now, is to promise to yourself that you will never let that kind of thing happen to you again. Don't ever let a man take you for granted or mistreat you, like he did. Don't put yourself in a situation where it could happen.
Yes, go out and have fun with your girlfriends, but don't have so much alcohol that you lose track of your wits. Instead, limit your alcohol then switch to soft drinks, so you don't get drunk. That way you will stay completely alert the whole night and not be taken advantage of.
Try to not have sex straight off, no matter how sexually attracted you are to the guy. Just don't go there. Instead, make friends with young men, find some common interests together, likes and dislikes, music, movies, tv shows etc. Laugh together and have fun. Build up a good friendship with them and see how you get along together, then after a few weeks think about whether you want to take it a step further. This way you start to genuinely like and respect each other.
Another important thing to do is, become independent, confident and make your life so interesting and exciting that you actually DON'T need a guy at all. What I mean by that, is be so much of your own person that your life is so fantastic with or without a guy in it. It would just be like an added bonus.
You don't have to be in a relationship for your life to be wonderful. You can be self-sufficient. Then if a nice guy comes along, that's great but if he doesn't for a while, no big deal.
Another important thing to keep in mind, is once you do find a lovely guy who genuinely cares about you, that you are not always trying to please him by doing nice things for him and always being available for him. He needs to know that you also have a life of your own, which you love and that you are not there just for him, at his beck and call. Otherwise, he might start to feel that your whole world revolves around him and it will start to make you look needy. That's not a good look, because men then feel as if they are responsible for making you happy. They can feel pressured to stay up on the pedestal they've been placed on. It's at that time that some men get scared and back off a bit.
So it's really important to keep your own friends, independence and your own interests and hobbies. Be happy and have fun. Otherwise, you lose yourself and your own identity.
Happiness is entirely our own responsibility. It is up to us - no-one else. Only WE can make ourselves happy, it's not up to our partners.
There's a very good book I read back in the early 1980's which has made a huge difference to me personally. It felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
That book is called - "Your Erroneous Zones", by Dr Wayne W. Dyer.
It's all about living in the present moment, and not feeling guilt or worry, blame or justify, and so much, much more. It's a great read and it's light reading as well. It's also very entertaining and quite funny also, during it. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It makes perfect sense.
It's also the type of book you can read more than once. I try to read it about once every year or 2 years, just to refresh the ideas in my mind. Most good bookstores should probably sell it. Under the category of either - Motivational or New Age or Self-Help.
In any case, if you can pick up a copy, it's so well worth you while reading it. It is a very helpful book. I'm sure you would still be able to buy it, it's such a great book.
You might also like to try amazon.com, or do a search for book your erroneous zones, and I'm sure you'll see amazon.com come up and go into that site, and you can have a look at the book before you buy it.
Hope this has helped you. Good Luck and best wishes.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): i understand what you are going through.
i am still involved a man(until i hear differently)for several years and during the time I have known him hid the fact he had a GF.
I had to find all of this out on my own and even told the Gf what he was doing behind her back.
He cursed me out,left all kinds of nasty,hateful messages and haven't spoken to him in more than 4 wks.
Will he contact me again? He probably will when he needs something or whoever he's with something goes wrong etc..
These men are no good.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Dear Anonymous,
I feel your pain. This exact thing happened to me. We were off and on. I couldn't take it. One second he loved me with all his heart and the next he couldn't even kiss me, nor look at me. i just couldn't take it. He was a jerk. He was a horrible man. And so is your ex. He doesn't deserve you. Your in love with him, and he's not. If he ever wanted you back, don't take him. He really,truly doesn't deserve someone as nice as you. Find someone who loves you, who can't stand not being with you, who always says "I love you" and is truly,deeply,madly in love with you.
-Giana
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): my heart goes out to you sweet heart.
i know the pain that you feel because i to am in a similar situation the only difference is that the man i have been involved with never told me he had a live in GF.
I had to find out on my own and even told the GF what he was doing behind his back and I was the one who got cursed out.
He left all kinds of nasty hateful messages on my voicemail etc..
I haven't heard from him since and that was about 4 wks ago.
Does it hurt? Sure it does but what can I do.
He'll probably one day try to look me up just like yours will to when they need something or something goes wrong with who they are with and if they don't your life and mine will go on.
...............................
|
