A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 29 years old and I am so much in love with a 40 year old married man. This has been going on and off for 3 years. He is in love with me as well but he has a problem with starting a future with me. He does not want to start over --- house, cars, finances. I am single with 3 children of my own. He has 3 children of his own. I know it will be tough in the beginning but I am willing to conquer it. I am willing to go through rough waters. Then he starts saying that because I am young, I may end up cheating on him and he'd be alone in the end. That he will regret leaving his wife and family for me. I assure him that I am not that kind of person to cheat on him. I believe that him cheating on his wife with me is between them...not me. Yes, she found out a year into this. She has used these 2 years to try and salvage their marriage. He is there physically but emotionally, he is with me. His wife has many times kicked him out and each time, he went back home and she forgave him again and again. It is so frustrating. He claims that he is thinking of everything he has built and fears losing it all. I've told him that he will not know until he gives me a chance to prove to him that we can have a great relationship. I want to settle down with him in my life. His wife hates me to death and it don't matter. His marriage is between the two of them. Our relationship is between the two of us. I will not give up because I know how he feels about me. I know he only loves his wife because she is the mother of his children and the history they had together. But he is not in love with her anymore. Everything happens for a reason. Us being together for 3 years now happened for a reason. While my friends say I need to let him go and be free. I just can't. It is not easy to let him go if we both are in love with each other.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): Same story over and over..i was once in this situation but i left him. I haven't heard from him since. One thing you must remember, if a man really wants you, he will do anything to be with you. If he really wanted to make a life with you, he WOULD HAVE LEFT HIS WIFE. Please get this in your head! This man clearly only wants you ON THE SIDE. Please leave him. You deserve better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): Anon. Thank you. I really try to be a person that my mother would be proud of. She was a good mother to us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): flowerbt, not a problem, sometimes we all tend to get a bit overly sensitive but we have to just ask our questions anyway. i also read your other posts, you are a good woman. and i am so glad there are mums like you taking good care of your 2 kids and yourself. sometimes a good, single home is better than one with both parents fighting like cats and dogs, just too much pain. you go give your kiddies a big bear hug from me.
peace and hugs
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A
female
reader, mummamia  +, writes (18 April 2009):
Women are so foolish! He is never going to leave his wife because this man is what he owns. He is nothing without his assets, end of story. This man has brains. He has the security of a marriage and all the sex he wants.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): i'm sorry if i sounded mean or ugly. i was just asking. I'm not trying to start a cat fight. there is no point in that. fighting never gets you anywhere. that statement just hit a nerve because i live that way. anyway i just wanted to clear that up. i am a very positive person. i do see your point about the original poster and the MM. i myself can almost promise her he will never leave what he has worked for over the years with his wife. I hope you do let us know how this situation turned out original poster. Good Luck. and again I'm Sorry if I came across wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): hey, i think the anon male only tried to point out to the OP that she has 3 kids and she expects this married man to now fend for her kids as well. it's like offloading her responsibility onto him. i also think the male was questioning whether the 3 kids were fathered by the same man or different men. i thnk he was trying just to make a point specifically to the OP's situation.
please let us all not get into a cat fight about this. it is not really worth it. a war of words is something we should not even consider.
if the OP has made a decision about her affair with this married man maybe she should be kind enought to advise us. then all this can be put to rest.
peace anon male and flowerbt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): I'm sorry original poster for asking permission to speak with one of your responders. to the anon. male who last posted. please explain what you meant when you said "you are single with 3 kids, what does that say for you". I am single with 2 kids,what does that say for me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): You are a home wrecker, pure and simple. I cannot sympathise with you. Everyone seems to be saying 'he's using you" but if you are going to screw around with a married man with 3 children, YOU ARE USING HIM. You are single with 3 children....that says something about you. Why can't you stop fucking around and find a single person to settle down with - maybe the father of one of your kids? Or were they all fly by nights / married men?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): so many people has posted their invaluable insights here yet sadly from what I read the original poster will not act on this advice. she has convinced herself that this MM , who is just using her for sex, is in love with her. she will obviously learn the hard way, sadly it is the only way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): well said Senthereng and right to the point, maybe you have experience of this and I hope others take note of your answers and you help others who are here to be helped,please carefully read each of your replies they all say the same thing to you so I hope you can find their help your strength and as said before read some other stories I just read the one by Mae5 mentioned hear and months later she is still posting about hurt and pain, don't end up like her and do as people say, the last post sums up a cheating husband but you are also cheating yourself out of life no person is worth that kind of love,lust or pain, set yourself free and enjoy the life you once had.
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A
female
reader, Senthereng Matlakadibe  +, writes (7 April 2009):
With the risk of sounding insensitive - woman you are doing yourself a great injustice!!! He clearly isn't into you my dear! You know what just let it go. It's not easy but doable. If you are hoping to live happily ever after with this man, then you are fooling yourself. You are both after different goals and you will end up HURT!!! This man definitely values whatever he has with his wife and tells you exactly what you want to hear. And sadly you buy into it which turns you into a fool and a rather sad fool. If there's one thing you should do if you want to be a fool is to rather be a happy one. This man is bad news. It pains me that many of us still remain so naive to believe every word that comes out of a man's mouth, while half of the time what they really say is not very different for faeces! They will destroy you with their smoothness and if you let it you are finished. I am sorry that you are going through so much pain for an undeserving man. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is be a strong woman that you are and a good mother to your children and forget about this mad man! He is mad and you are perpetuating his state of his insanity because you trust him. All signs are there that he is just a manipulative scum and yet you still reckon you have a future with him. Spare yourself from further pain and just walk away. He is not worth it. And you should have known in the first place that when entering into a relationship with a married man, you stand to get heartbroken. Because unfortunately most of us women think through our hearts. No matter how hard you'll try you'll never be able to maintain a no-strings attached relationship is not humanly possible. I'd like to say that it is not allowed to fall in love with a man who's already in love with someone else because if he ever leaves her for you he'll do the same thing to you one day. Yet, we do fall in love, stupidly, but we have got to know that a line needs to be drawn. Sister, get up and dust yourself up and take on the world. This man does not in the least deserve you. And please listen to your head - think and think very hard!!! You are convincing yourself that this man is the love of your life - he is not! Once you get this to your head
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): OMG I can't believe I'm reading another tragic case of a woman allowing herself to be used and as others say being sloppy seconds to another man,HE is not going to ever leave his wife and be with you as he can have you anytime he want's without the commitment, take note of what the Aunties here are telling you as many people speak from experience, read other stories and how woman are left to feel like Mea5 "My paramour used me for sex" September 18 last year do you wan't to end up like this,don't be someone else's leftovers another mans ego trip, something he can look back on and be proud of his achievement while you are left with NO dignity giving your body to him for his pleasure, you will get a temporary fix then bang you are left eith a whole lot off mess to clean up, where will he be then, back with his wife S------G her,you are being used so he can feel good about himself,tell him where to go and take some dignity back from this, he may even tell you it's not like that but at the end of the day facts are facts and he won't commit to you apart from an odd hour here and there to releave his tensions.WALK AWAY and say good ridance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): OMG - "He does not want to start over --- house, cars, finances. I am single with 3 children of my own. He has 3 children of his own" I also realised this of your MM, HE DOESN'T WANT TO BURDEN OF AN ADDITIONAL 3 CHILDREN, WHY ROCK THE BOAT, HE HAS 3 ALREADY.
How stupid i was not to also make the connection. He is worried about finances. You also expect him to meet your financial obligations, he has invested so much in his marriage. He doesn't want a woman who has 3 additional brats. Which man wants to be saddled with 3 more = 6 in total. That is why he also goes back, to his wife and his 3 children. ONLY.
Real bummer for you not to see the situation for what it is
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): I am not going to tell you to leave him BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE IT CLEAR THAT YOU ARE HAPPY BEING HIS FUCK BUDDY.
You have been with this man for 3 yrs, he goes back and forth and you JUST ALLOW HIM TO USE YOU AS A SEX CALL. Where is your pride, dignity and self respect. You are allowing him to treat you as sloppy seconds and that is just what you are. A booty call, someone who will just use you. You may think you are in love with this man, but her sure is not. What do you love about him, that he lies, that he cheats, that he told you he doesn’t want to leave his wife for you? What is there to love, some some odd moments stolen for a booty call, his shameful secret that is all you are.
You say that he is with his wife physically, so you know that he is having sex with her too. Do you expect him to just be a presence in his wif’es life without any emotions, you got to be kidding yourself. Ask yourself some hard questions. What does he expect from his mistress. To be there emotionally, to be his sex pot, to give of herself totally while he uses both you and his wife. As the OW, you have accepted your fate of just being his screw. As the OW, you have accepted your fate as being a sub standard human being. Why ? Have some respect fro yourself.
He has told you in no uncertain terms that HE DOESN’T WANT YOU IN HIS LIFE, HE IS ONLY USUNG YOU FOR SEX. You are deluding yourself by separating you and him, and him and his wife. Realise this the 3 of you are in bed together. You are deluding yourself by saying “I believe that him cheating on his wife with me is between them...not me.” Wake up and smell the shit for what it is! Why do you separate this. Because then you can BLUFF/ delude YOURSELF into thinking that you are not doing wrong.
Why are you so frustrated/ Because he goes bak all the time. WHY/ Because he wants to that is why and also because he can. Where does this leave you. Just the pitiful mistress waiting with open arms every time he wants a sex session.
‘His marriage is between the two of them. Our relationship is between the two of us. I will not give up because I know how he feels about me. I know he only loves his wife because she is the mother of his children and the history they had together. But he is not in love with her anymore.’ On what planet are you living? He goes back to her all the time. Does that not tell you something. You want o believe that he has no feelings for his wife. He wants you to also believe that . Foolishly you believe that , since it is the only way you can have him.
“Everything happens for a reason. Us being together for 3 years now happened for a reason” Yes, for 3 yrs you have allowed him just to have sex with you. Why doesn’t he just use a prostitute, because that it all you are providing him. Verything happens for a reason, for 3 yrs you have been delusional, for 3 yrs you have had no self respect, for 3 yrs you have given him sex on a plate. Being together for 3 yrs meams that for 3 yrs he has taken you for granted. For 3 yrs he has stolen your life. It is so easy to blame the wife, it is so easy to blame someone, obviously not your lover or yourself. You are either just too naïve or too stupid to realize it.
You will not leave your MM, why because this relationship works for you. You have chosen and the life you have chosen is that of a mistress. You do not see the errors of your ways, you merely make excuses about why he is your life and vice versa. You have wasted 3 yrs, welcome to wasting the next 30 yrs on this man who will not leave his wife. Everything in life has a reason and a purpose, your purpose in life is now just as a mistress/ OW, no self worth, just existing and deluding yourself into believeing what you wan to believe. I cannot see you walking away from your MM. You are waiting for something that will not happen. He has made his choice –HIS WIFE AND YOU HIS MISTRESS. His wife is saddled with him, even though she has kicked him out. I really admire her, imagine throwing him away time and time again, yet he goes back Ummmmm, I wonder why? . Full marks to a woman that lets a man go, full marks to a man that comes back for more. Remember he is going back to his wife. ALL THE TIME. Yet, you are so scared, you will still remain his sloppy seconds because you have allowed yourself to be seen in that role. Well, for your MM, he just have the best of both worlds. Lucky him. My darling, just where is the love, again? You just go on believing what you want! DELUSIONAL
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A
male
reader, Flashbacks +, writes (3 April 2009):
Get out while you still have the chance...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): I honestly question your integrity. My husband recently had an affair with a friend of mine so going through this and my husband staying with me I know what I am talking about.
You are not welcome! You are doing the wrong thing and lowering yourself. How could you destroy lives just to benefit yourself? Do you not think if he ended up leaving his wife for you that he would not do the same thing to you? You could never be happy knowing this? If he truly loved you and wanted to be with you he would have left his wife a long time ago.
The reason affairs happen is because there is something that is lacking in a marriage and an opportunity has presented itself. Being with you makes him feel like he is in love with himself all over again, a sense of being young and free of responsiblity. When he returns home the guilt sets in and he is probably difficult to his family because the high has come down (This is because he is experiencing a surge of PEA - like a drug). I suggest you read up on what this means.
If he hasn't left it means he is probably still in love with his wife, the real kind of love which is a mature love.
If you destroy his family he will never forgive you and look at you as a disgusting mistake.
Get out of it, move away and do what you can to move on with your life. You are playing with fire and you will get burnt.
I suggest that you go and speak to a professional counsellor because what you are doing is morally wrong and it goes against all vows of a marriage. Look up the seven deadly sins!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): It is so hard because I know how he feels about me. I just can't break free and I've tried so many times.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 April 2009):
 Why are you settling for another woman's leftovers?
You are being HAD. He is having his cake and eating it too. He is not going to leave his wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): DON'T go there.
A relationship with a married person is asking for trouble.
Wait until he's divorced, then take it from there, that's the only sensible way to go.
Use your common sense, don't accept second-best, which dating married people is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): What can I say to him in giving our relationship a chance? We have stuck it out this long so it must be for a reason.
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male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (2 April 2009):
 But he doesnt want that with you hon. If he really did then he wouldn't care what the cost, he would be with you. You said it yourself, it's been 3 years. What makes you think it will be different now? Look lets be honest. You made a terrible mistake getting invoved with a married guy. But enough is enough. You know in your heart you need to move on. You are still young and you can meet someone better who will want to be with you. It is what it is, an affair that should be over. Don't make a mistake of wasting more years on something that will probably never happen.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 April 2009):
 So what do you want from us?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): The biggest loser in this thing is you. It's probable that he will not leave his wife, but even if he does, are you really going to sink another couple of years of your life waiting for him to sort his stuff out? Even after he divorces (he won't) you will still have to deal with the ex wife and his kids.
If you listen closely enough, men will tell you everything you want to know. This man is TELLING you that he doesn't want to throw away his whole life that he built with his kids, even though they are in a rough patch. He is even making excuses about being worried that you will cheat. This from a cheater.
What he really wants is for things to be easy. He wants to have a solid, comfortable family life and a mistress on the side. This arrangement is working for him, as much as you can't see it, and changing it will make it worse for him.
Don't forget that you only hear one side of the story. He may say everything is over with him and his wife and you're the only one, but you don't know that for sure. He has lied to his wife, why are you so special that he won't lie to you? It's great that you are ready to sacrifice everything for him, but be aware that you may get nothing in return.
My advice is to run for the hills :)
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A
female
reader, Charlotteannex  +, writes (2 April 2009):
 Hello.
if i was in your situation, I would talk to him about it. ask him if he will ever leave his wife, and if he says there is no chance that he will leave his wife, then I'm sorry, but you will have to move on, and just be free for a few months. and if he changes his mind, then go with him, if he doesn't change his mind, then you know it is time to move on.
hope this helped.
xx
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