A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with a guy for the past 6 months, he is a great guy but i find myself wanting more than what he wants. I have had a rough childhood and my dad was an alcoholic and never had a relationship with him, therefore i have a problem with drinking. I know i want to settle down and start creating memories but i feel he is not ready for what i would like. I know he still wants to go out and party and drink, which he has been doing 4 years before we met (thinking that would be enough), i try to find a compromise where we both feel like we can agree on but i am still uptight and wanting more out of this relationship. He hasn’t had a real relationship and i know i have a lot to offer someone and i feel like he is scared. 10% of me wants to throw in the towel but the 90% of me wants to stay and help him see what a real relationship is.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (8 December 2010):
 Well sorry to say this but if he cant even bring himself to meet your family or do more things together like going on trips then he simply is not ready for a relationship and cannot give you what you need.
Any time spent with this guy will be wasted - with men like this there is nothing you can do apart from cut your losses as soon as possible and move on.
He will, in his own time, decide when he is ready to committ to a girl. But right now, he is not ready and does not want to. I dont think it is about being scared - I think it is just his age and the fact that he is enjoying being young, and he does not want to give that up. Some guys will be afraid of committment all their lives (trust me, I know a 32 year old man still like this!), whereas some will be ready to committ to their first girlfriends.
Each man you meet will be different, and unfortunately it looks like you have fallen for a classic mr unavailable here.
I know how hard it is (I am currently in a situation with a sort of similar guy) and you want to try and fight for it because you know how good the relationship could be. And that keeps you hanging on, hoping that you will be the girl to tame him, that you will be the one that finally gets him to settle down. And in some ways, yes there is always the chance - but I am 99% certain that you are holding onto the hope purely because you dont want to let him go, not because there is any chance of it actually working out. You are only fooling yourself by clinging on to this hope that he will come to his senses, and you will be the one that gets hurt.
So let go, this one is a lost cause I'm afraid. Let him be the one that is sorry when he loses a great girl, rather than you being sorry you wasted precious years of your life on a man that cant committ.
And one final thing to keep in mind (I have to keep telling myself this at the moment, because it really hurts but makes things more clear cut) - if he really loved you and you were the girl for him - he would have no problems committing to you. You are just not the right girl for him.
I am in the same situation - lovely guy who cant committ, always telling me how much he likes me, how perfect I am etc etc but he has a whole heap of reasons why we cant be in a relationship. Of course he could be in a serious relationship if he just made some concessions in his life, but obviously I am just not quite special enough for him to do so. When he meets his future wife there will be no doubt that he will make space for her in this life, and even though I know we are so perfect for each other it is untrue - I will just have to let him go and keep on telling myself he just doesnt feel that strongly about me to be able to committ.
It really sucks, but if you keep reminding yourself of everything I have just said it will help you to let go of him and move on to a guy who really wants you and can be everything you need.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer.
the answer to those question is simply this.
What exactly do you want from him?
-i want him show me he wants this to give love a chance and to realize how great a relationship can be.
What do you mean by settle down?
- stop living the single life, he is trying to combined a single life and a relationship life and those two will not work together.
What do you mean when you say you want to create memories?
-being around family, doing things together like trips and just enjoying life TOGETHER.
i am not asking for marriage or children, i would love to move him with him, i would love for him to meet my family, i would love for him to just open up fully. I know he wants to but s scared.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (8 December 2010):
If he is not mature enough for a real relationship then you cannot force him to be ready - he has to want a real relationship in his own time. So by staying with him you will just make yourself unhappy, you will be waiting for him to give you what you want when in reality, that is not possible.
His behaviour is typical for someone your age so asking him to stop is not an option - you are only young once and if he wants to enjoy himself, then as long as he is not hurting anyone, then that is just fine.
What you need to learn is that you CANNOT change a man. So many women sit there thinking 'oh if I just stay with him a bit longer, I can make him do this or I can show him that xxxxx is what he wants' - but they are just fooling themselves. Men do not change unless THEY want to change, so you can show him what a real relationship is all you want but unless he decided it is what he wants too then he is never going to change.
What exactly do you want from him? What do you mean by settle down? What do you mean when you say you want to create memories? Are you talking about really big committments like marriage and children? Or just something smaller, like maybe moving in together or going on holiday together?
If you could answer those questions that would help me to give you some more feedback, but overall my feelings are you are wasting your time trying to change a man that is not ready for what you want.
There is no point in staying with a man who cannot make you happy - best to cut your losses after a short 6 month relationship than carry on for a year or two being completely unhappy.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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