A
female
age
36-40,
*ove_r_Lust
writes:I have been dating this guy since September. We're not boyfriend/girlfriend we're friends and it tears me up inside because I have deep feelings for him. We have had sex a couple of times and it's like the way he treats me, no other boyfriend I had has treated me this way. He has met my family and everybody likes him (even my brother) and I never take guys to meet my family but he wanted to. He told me straight up that he doesn't want a girlfriend right now but he treats me like a girlfriend and he uses words like we are gonna have a future together. I have been thinking of telling him about how much I like him and unless I'm gonna get more out of this relationship/friendship or whatever you want to call it then I'm just gonna have to find somebody that wants me. Is this a good idea? What do you think? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): The thing is there are two types of problems with people one is an insight problem and one is a motivation problem.
I think men really hate "the talk" where a girl who is not in a committed relationship with him yet sits him down and puts it on him to define the relationship, a where is this going talk?
The thing is he probably likes you very much, he is only dating you casually though, you are giving him sex without a committment so he isn't motivated to make you exclusive and official, you haven't demanded it by your behavior....he assumes you are OK with a casual sexual relationship that is all about having fun, but has not future goals.
If this is not what you want, you really have no other option but to start dating around and not put all your focus into this one man.....this may in fact be the motivation he needs to claim you if he loves you before someone else claims you.
He doesn't suffer from an insight problem, he knows what you want from him, a relationship, he knows, OK...your asking him and giving him the talk may serve to push him away unless you know something about him that we don't....he probably is not in a place in life where he wants to be tied down, read between the lines, he is keeping his options open, he will date another girl that strikes his fancy and may already be doing so, why don't you do the same and see how it goes......time will tell, heh?
Don't let him take you for granted....if he does reward him with backing off, or distance....don't allow him to cancel dates and get away with it....he doesn't want a doormat, trust me.
A
female
reader, Love_r_Lust +, writes (26 January 2009):
Love_r_Lust is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know.....I have met the important people in life and he has in mine. We share one thing about our family the most important person to us has passed away which is both of our mothers. We make plans to go on dates every weekend.(One weekend he treats, next weekend I treat). We both seem like we are on the same page in life. Both very active in school (we go to rival colleges). I know giving an ultamatium is childish but what do I do. How can I tell him how I feel without sounding needy?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): I like what Run with Scissors had to say, I couldn't agree more....that said a guy who is telling you he wants a future with you and is not wanting a girlfriend right now may be either trying to string you along or he may be wanting to be independent like pvtguy says....sometimes when girlfriends start acting like girlfriends, they get demanding and controlling according to the guy.....it is all in the way you handle them....don't tell him what to do or get mad when he doesn't call, but don't let him take you for granted either.....
Guys get to commitment much slower than girls do and they go about it in different ways....too....
My take on it would be this....don't give him an ultimatum, decide for yourself if you want a commitment from him and if he doesn't step up to the plate and ask for one himself, then tell him he can't have you all to yourself while he decides and you are going to start dating other men, not to make him jealous, but because he hasn't claimed you and he can't expect you to cut off your dating life for him if he doesn't want to be your boyfreind. Don't get mad, he has been honest with you and you have accepted the relationship on those terms....
Has he introduced you to his parents or the people who are important to him? Does he take you out on dates? Does he call you every night before he goes to sleep? (If he does that is a big sign that he sees you as someone who is his girlfriend or will be soon), but don't use sex in order to make him fall in love with you...in fact you might want to say no to sex, you can still do that even though you have had it a couple of times.....if he really likes you, he will be happy to just be in your company, if all he is after is sex, he will stop calling you....and then you'll have your answer.
Don't call him, let him pursue you and move on and start dating, not sleeping with other guys...you may find one who will claim you as their own that you like even better than him.....
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A
female
reader, RunsWithScissors +, writes (23 January 2009):
It sounds to me like you're "friends with benefits". My advice is not to have sex with someone who will not commit to you, it strengthens the bond and reinforces any feelings you have for him. I think there is nothing wrong with admitting that you want more...a commitment. While I don't believe in ultimatums, you have a say in what you want and where you want this relationship to go too. If you know you want a relationship in your life, say so. But be prepared for him to break it off with you. If he does, then either he is afraid of commitment (which you would not want anyway) or he is not in the same place as you. If the latter is the case then you need to decide if you're willing to wait for him to be in the same place as you. If not, admit that to yourself and move on. You're better off finding out sooner rather than later. The key here is to be honest with yourself, admit to yourself what you want and what you can put up with and what you can't. You have to figure this out while you're young, otherwise you'll always let someone else steer your relationships and destiny.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (23 January 2009):
 You probably do not want to hear it, but you are still very young and your attraction to this guy sounds more like infatuation than anything really meaningful, especially considering his rather flippant attitude toward the relationship.
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