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starismine1
writes:Wanting Guys to Lust After UsIt’s like an addictive fix, wanting a guy to lust after us. There is an adrenaline rush of pleasure when they lust after us; it makes us feel beautiful, like we are the only one on the planet. But there is a down side to needing to be desired and lusted after. If that’s what we need to feel good about ourselves, we’re giving an awful lot of power to guys to make us happy in life, aren’t we?As women, we often feel the need to compete with other women for a guy’s attention. But what is that all about? Why is it we only seem to want to date the guy who gets all the girls? It’s almost as if it's more important to win a guy’s interest in us over other women, (and feel superior to other women and good about ourselves), than to actually feel loved by a guy.And those reality shows don’t help any. They're always about women competing and battling for a guy. The guy's ego just basks in the pleasure of watching women fight over him. It’s as if women can’t just have a normal dating scenario, we have to have a blood bath of competition with other women to get a guy to want us, and only then do we feel good. How did we let guys have all this power over us? Why do we care more about competing with each other than being loved by a man? Guys sure don’t compete with each other for us. As a matter of fact, most guys will shrug their shoulders and say to their buddy, “Hey, she’s yours if you want her” without even caring. They don’t need to feel good about themselves by winning some girl’s attention over their buddy. And that’s why they hold all the cards in relationships. Because having a girlfriend doesn’t make them any more okay with their life tha they felt before dating her. Their sense of self worth isn't wrapped up in being wanted for sex or lusted after or told how handsome they are (okay, it's wrapped up in work and money which is just as bad, but at least they don't give women power over them to make them feel good about being alive).The only way for all this to stop is for women to start seeing how ridiculous all this competition with other women is just to get a guy’s interest. We deserve to be desired, but we also have to feel “We are okay if we don’t have a guy wanting us”. We have to stop judging each other based on whether we have a boyfriend. Needing a guy shouldn’t be like wearing the newest designer handbag, something we have to have next to us to feel special.All this competition among women is costing us our self esteem and making us settle for unfulfilling, shallow sexual relationships with guys just to feel okay with ourselves. It’s making us do things like give guys random blow jobs, just to get them to date us. If we have to do that to feel important, something is very wrong with our lives! How important can we really feel about having a guy just because we cater to his need to ejaculate? WE HAVE TO WAKE UP! We are our own worst enemy. It’s time we started realizing we have to stop letting guys have all the power in relationships, just because they make us feel good because they lust after us.
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reader, michelleAKAmandi +, writes (15 September 2008):
 Star, this is why my 3 children are home schooled, why their TELEVISION viewing is very minimal and supervised, no matter their age, mine are 10, 14 and 16, there is too much else to do that is better for them physically and mentally!!
As far as girls thinking this way, I think it may have some to do with their upbringing. I've taught my girls to be leaders, not followers, to ALWAYS respect themselves and EXPECT NO LESS from anyone else. This I hope will help them along the way out there in the big ugly world. I know I can't protect them from everything and everyone, but it seems the years of me constantly driving this into their young minds, it's actually going t make a difference. To teach them is not to tell them once, but to tell them over and over and to be consistent until they are faced with those decisions. Wow!! I have so far to go though...lol
I definitely read your post wrong and I apologize. When you have to read font, sometimes it makes it difficult to know exactly what they mean without expressions and tone of a voice.
This generation is scary... but we have to do our job and make a difference where we can.
Have a wonderful up coming week!
Michelle
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reader, starismine1 +, writes (14 September 2008):
starismine1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I guess I really stirred the pot on this one! My article was to bring attention what I find an ever growing problem for young girls today who have low self esteem: they feel the need to so desperately fit in by getting a boyfriend to the point of doing things to please guys like giving BJ's. I believe that for many young girls, especially high school age, there is a huge pressure for them to be attractive and popular with guys, due to female competition, and many feel pressured to use sexual favors as a way of achieving this end. There are so many reality shows that encourage this mindset subliminally by the way women act with each other and towards the guy. I've seen one where each girl gave the guy they were competing for a lap dance! For some women (and I agree not all women thankfully) self esteem is often wrapped up in being desired for their body and physical appearance by a guy, or envied for how they look by another woman (wanting those compliments on your designer bag for example). I agree men do compete with each other as well for women, and some do have a low self image and feel they can't get the girl (as the questions on this site show) but I do believe that for many young girls, (and some not as young), their need to be lusted after to feel good about themselves is very real. Yes, guys want to get the girl as a competive thing, but their self image is not wrapped up in how women think they look. They want to be lusted because they want sex. That's what I was trying to say, perhaps I could have said it better...but I do appreciate everyone's responses.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 September 2008):
 I tend to agree that those reality shows like 'The Bachelor' which show women competing with each other for the love of the guy are rather ridiculous and sad, that's why I don't watch them. But they must sell to someone, otherwise they wouldn't be getting on the air, they'd be getting cancelled.
It's kind of in line with the magazines that are targeted at women. "Get fuller lips by using these products! Lose weight in 7 days! How to make your breasts look bigger! Learn how to catch his eye!" Stuff like that is designed to sell to the insecurities, just like toothpaste ads suggest you'll never have friends if you don't use their super-duper special product. It takes self-confidence and self-awareness to ignore the hype and be true to your own self.
Men's magazines, and I'm not talking about the nudie ones, I mean the ones like Esquire and GQ and Men's Journal, also deal to men's insecurities, which are different from the womens. "How to pick up a girl! Here are the latest gadgets that no self-respecting man should be without! If you don't have this status symbol, you're a loser!" Well, maybe they don't exactly say that, but that's the subtext. Again, it's just a way of selling magazines.
Anyway, back to your point about blowjobs, I tend to agree with Ask_oldersister that girls are giving blowjobs because they have low self-esteem and are afraid of losing the guy. I wouldn't put it down to competition as much as their buying into the notion that the most important thing is to be 'liked' by the guy.
There is a lot of discussion about the loss of self-confidence that girls seem to suffer about the time they hit puberty. Girls who are doing well in school and are just fine seem to suffer a loss of self-confidence and struggle with 'fitting in' and being accepted and they often don't do as well as their potential suggests. Most of us grow out of that and regain our footing but maybe some stay caught in that cycle of trying to feed self-confidence by trying to hard to be pleasing to others rather than working on their own strengths.
I think those are the women you're addressing in this article, not the ones who are comfortable in their own skins and know what they're about in the world. It's a kind of wake-up call to women to value themselves.
If you spend some time reading posts here, you'll see that there are plenty of young men 15-25 and even older, who are writing in because they can't get a girlfriend. They too feel the social pressures to fit in, to be in a relationship, and I expect they find the world just as competitive as the young women of that age. Let's face it, growing up is no picnic! The best that you can hope for is that you come out of adolescence and young adulthood with all your limbs intact, most of your brain cells and a sense of where you're going in the world. It's a journey, after all.
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reader, michelleAKAmandi +, writes (10 September 2008):
hmmm... I just read your comment to troubledtoomuch. Ok, so are we are talking about girls in school/school aged girls? Same question oldersister asked I think.And I have to ask...has some school girl given your boyfriend/husband a blow job in an attempt to take him from you? or the like happening to someone you know?Honestly, we need to know where you got your information or more about it so we can help you find an answer to your question. A few more details maybe....I'm throwing things out there to help you and probably pissing you off at the same time. Sorry if that's so.I'm dieing over here Grrrrr... fill us in with more information so we can get to the bottom of this for you.Michelle
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): OK, perhaps things are much different these days than they were when my wife and I were younger (63 now). I read the entire article to her and asked her if she felt that she ever competed for men as you wrote. I already knew the answer and she said no, as I expected. I did know some women sho seemed to do that when my wife and I were dating in our 30s after our divorces, but not many. The women who I dated were just looking for affection, having a good time and having someone to be close to. Yes, that meant sex, but they never seemed to be competing for the purpose of showing off their guy. As a matter of fact, all of the women who I dated at that time wanted to keep it under wraps for a while in case it didn't work out so that she wouldn't get a reputation. My wife also kept all of her other boyfriends before me under wraps very well. I knew nothing about her past sexual life before she told me and I worked at the same place that she worked. We had been dating for several months before she started to spend a lot of nights at my house and started to care less what people at work knew about us. It was only after she thought that our relationship would continue that she didn't care what people knew.
Your article was about women. Perhaps it is just a matter of semantics, but I don't consider young girls in high school as women. If you are talking about young girls in high school, then there has always been pressure to show one-upmanship in this area. That is also the case for boys in high school. Most mature adult men and women don't act like that.
To compare real life women to reality show women is not realistic. Most people don't act like reality show participants, no matter what the subject of the show is about. That is the reason that reality shows are so popular. They aren't reality, they are an escape to something that is not reality for the majority of people. They are reality in that the action is not scripted, but they are not how the majority of people act. Of course, I find them boring and unreal, so I have only watched a few times. Perhaps too many people actually think that real people compete like reality show participants. Comprtition in the real world is normally much different.
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reader, michelleAKAmandi +, writes (10 September 2008):
At very first, I'm not one of "us" as you refer to women in this instant. If I feel I may have to compete for a mans attention, I'm outta there. If I have to compete for it, I don't want it.I'm not sure why you are feeling all women must have men lusting after them.It seems maybe you have an underlying issue because there are some men out there 100 times worse than these women you are speaking of.I do know of immature, younger women giving into men for whatever they want because they have no respect for themselves, but that is not in what you are speaking of either. I'm not saying there aren't women out there that will compete for mens attention, but it's the same with some men. Good lawd the men I've had hit on me to see if they could get "one up" on their buddies, so maybe you're just not aware that men DO THE SAME THING. You can't title all women because of something you know about one or a few women.Are you one of them?Have you done what you are fuming about and that's why you are so angry?or do you merely know someone close to you that does this and it upsets you?Not sure this helps, but I hope it does somehow.
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reader, starismine1 +, writes (10 September 2008):
starismine1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are very fortunate to have had such positive experiences in your life but you missed the entire point of my article and perhaps you are missing what's going on with young girls today high school age. There are many girls giving guys BJ's just to be accepted. And I am not suggesting that men don't care about losing a girlfriend to another guy, of course they do. I'm saying that men don't have their self esteem wrapped up in competition with other men for a woman's interest in them the way women do with men. There are many reality shows in the states that are built solely upon this neediness that women have. Seeing the issues I raised in light of your own experiences, ignores the experiences of many other women which are unfortunately different from yours. That doesn't make me bitter, just truthful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): I'm not going to comment on how women feel, as I'm sure that you know much more about that than I do. I can only go by how my wife tells me how she felt about things like you discuss. However, I dont' think you have a clue how guys feel. Take this statement:
"Guys sure don’t compete with each other for us. As a matter of fact, most guys will shrug their shoulders and say to their buddy, “Hey, she’s yours if you want her” without even caring."
There might be some guys that think that way, but not many. Most want to do whatever necessary to keep their girlfriend for themselves.
OK, I will comment on how women feel. The women who I have known don't need a guy to show that they have the "latest designer handbag". They want a guy for the same reason that most men want a woman. They want a guy because they want someone to give them some affection and to not be lonely. The 2 women who have ever given me a blow job did so because they wanted to. My wife continues to do so on a regualr basis for the same reason that I give her oral sex on a regular basis. We do it because we want to give the other pleasure because we care about each other.
You certainly sound very bitter about something. I don't know what it is, but you would probably be happier if you worked on that.
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