A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 21 year-old woman, and I've never been in a relationship, or on a date, or kissed, and I've been comfortable with that. But now that I've met somebody I like, and I'm interested in pursuing something, I find myself at a loss. He's my age, and we're friends who work in the same place (part-time at a movie theater, nothing big). We talk a lot, at work, or on AIM or texting when we're not there, and we've gone and done things together, away from family and friends, just had fun together. We have also hung out occasionally at home and fairly often at work. Both of us are shy, and so while the friendship part is easy, expressing our mutual interest is not. Sometimes, we'll wind up talking about relationship related things, but I think both of us are uncomfortable with the vulnerabilty that comes with opening up. He told me that he's interested in dating and stuff, but he's waiting for me to relax. Here's where my lack of experience, combined with my shyness, becomes an issue... While I want to move on to maybe something more than friends, I don't know how to show him. I've made little gestures (not intending them to be purposely be such), like bringing him dinner one night when he was working, and I wasn't (I'd been in the area), or giving him a bag of his favorite candy. But when it comes to stuff like hugging, or touching, or holding hands, I get stuck. I'm not very big on people touching me in general, but I've tried to show him I don't mind when he does. He hugged me once, and when he did, he caught me off guard (he later joked that I'd looked startled, and asked if I'd been scared). I guess that my problem is that I don't know what to do, how to show him I like him. I don't know when to hug him, or even to touch him. It sounds weird, but I'm an introverted person, so that kind of interaction comes more difficultly for me. As friends, we're cool, but there's that whole underlying thing, a kind of unpursued boy-girl direction that we're trying to set foot in. I'm thinking he wants me to make the next move, but I don't know how to do that. Any advice?
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female
reader, Carina  +, writes (6 June 2007):
 It's tough being shy. It sounds very much as though this guy would like your relationship to become more, and he sounds as though he's being very cautious. He's probably wondering if you really like him or not and doesn't want to make a move in case you reject him.
Try to identify what you're afraid of. Imagine hugging him or holding hands. How would it make you feel? What's the worst that could happen? Often, if you take a bold step and do what's in your heart it all happens very easily.
If I was you I'd try to arrange to be in situations where you can start by sitting close together. Perhaps watch a DVD together and snuggle up to him a bit. The chances are he'll put his arm around you and you're on your way! When you're talking to him try to touch him in a casual way: a hand on his arm, a spontaneous kiss on the cheek to say thank you. Try just holding his hand when you're walking along somewhere....and ask him if he minds. I'm certain he'll be delighted.
The main thing is to relax and be yourself. The more you touch the more comfortable you'll be with it. I know, because I was the same myself. Nothing bad will happen because you show your feelings...in fact it helps the other person relax and show their feelings too. Someone has to go first though! It's useful to remember that most other people are feeling just as shy as you do. I hope this helps a bit. Let me know how it goes!
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