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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi there, Thanks everyone for your advice on my last question... A rollercoaster ride.. Well, we had our first therapy session today. It went OK, but the focus was more based around what we are to do about going overseas rather than the matters at hand, i.e. my b/friend dating other people. Although as far as he's concerned we are no longer b/f, g/f - but he still thinks that we will go away together. I'm relatively happy about that, I do believe the time apart now (we've agreed not to speak until our next therapy session) will be beneficial to us both. However, I suppose, what I just can't get my head around is the fact that on Thursday night (last) he told me we would get married next year and that he was really excited about our future together. Bearing this in mind, why would he want to see anyone else in over the next three months before we go away? I just don't understand it, maybe part of it is, his last few months of freedom before he really settles down? Maybe he's afraid that if we do get back together before going abroad, all the problems we had before our separation would still be there? I don't know, but he's not really making any sense, all he's saying is that he's not ready... I can somewhat understand that, but I just don't understand his need to see and sleep with other people. It drives me insane so putting a distance between us over the next few months is probably a good thing - but what's to say that he won't feel the same in a few years time - that again, he'll need to sleep with other people? It all just feels such a shame and I do blame myself and some of my actions for putting this in place. When we separated I also dated a couple of guys, but it was different. I honestly believe that the reason I did was to provide me with a distraction from my b/friend, to prevent myself from thinking too much about things - now I think maybe I should have thought more about everything and resolved it before it got to this stage. When I came to the realisation he was the one for me after 4 months separation he's not ready! I just don't really know what to do for the best or how I should be feeling. Last night I was round his place and we had a huge row, the girl who he's been seeing (3 dates) is still on the scene and she texted him last night. It was late and we were almost asleep. He didn't want me to look at his phone, which of course made me ten times more anxious as to what it was I shouldn't see. He threw it out on the floor, I grabbed it, read the text from her asking him out for dinner, went absolutely psychotic and threw the phone at him. It was dark and I hit his face with it, obviously that brought me back down to earth, I never meant to really hurt him. We argued some more and I ended up hitting my head with the phone so that I could feel the same pain I inflicted on him! I know, I know, it sounds pretty crazy, but I just didn't seem to have any control over my emotions whatsoever (that's the scary part). From there I go into a shell and cannot help crying for ages. My b/f tried to calm me down and forgave me for throwing the phone at him - but still, this is not proper behaviour. Sorry for the rant, but I suppose my question is: Why would someone promise to take care of you (as I won't be able to work overseas), to marry you, to go to therapy for us, to always be there, yet still be interested in seeing other people - am I missing something here? Many thanks for getting this far...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2006): Don't continue with him.Surely your counsellor doesn't feel this relationship is going anywhere?
If you put up with unfaithfulness now you will put up with it forever, always trying to find a reasonable reason for it.
Marriage? forget it.
Just think, out there somewhere is a really decent guy you could love and be loved by properly. You and he will laugh at the time you put up with this morron who promised you the moon but gave you planet heartache. Don't accept crumbs.......
A
female
reader, Ainley +, writes (18 May 2006):
 wow! i can see why your so confused sugar, you need to tell him what you've just said well not exactly but just that you want to know if hes just getting the single/freedom thing out of the way, because this is a big step for, your willing to change your whole life for him the least he can do is say whether after you've gotten married he'll be ALL yours because if the answers no then you need to find someone else who'll only want YOU. personally i hold my hands up to you for putting up with the OTHER woman. as for your anger i think either get a stress ball/time out corner or personal therapy so you can learn to control out bursts. i really hope this has helped some how but best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (18 May 2006):
 The problem you have here is that you are recieving completly mixed signals.....Does your b/f seriously know what he wants or how his behaviour is affecting you, sorry but he is being completly selfish!
You cannot tell someone that loves you that you want to marry them, spend the rest of your life with them, convince them of your sincerity by go to couples councelling and then expect them to accept you sleeping with other people, it's a ridiculous situation that has left you feeling understandably upset and completly confused. I suppose he considers that you are "on a break" and that this excuses his behaviour, well that's for you to decide, but from where I'm sitting this looks like a classic "have cake and eat it" situation!
It's no wonder you're going crazy, all this and I assume you are still sleeping with him too.....lucky guy!
You have to have a good think about what your future will be like with this man, he seems pretty mixed up to me, if he wants you as just a friend and travel buddy he would be wise to be honest and tell you this, but if he really does want you to be his wife he should think about how his actions are affecting you and the damage he is doing to your relationship by having it all his own way!
Sorry, but you need to toughen up and tell him what YOU want, don't accept being treated this way, the guys treating you like an idiot.
Good luck, and keep us posted.x
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