A
female
age
30-35,
*ovemylove
writes:I don’t know what to do with my boyfriend! He has everything I could ever want in a guy- nice, very much like me, adorable, caring, loving, funny, hot, fun, and I feel like he is practically my best friend. I can share anything with him and we can be ourselves around each other. First problem...the relationship can be considered long distance. He lives an hour and a half away, but thanks to his age, he can drive to my town. He visits me almost every weekend (since we are in high school) and we just click! We love being around each other.Second problem…I have learned many things about him that he has never told me! I think. His friend I have met, likes me. My boyfriend knows that too. That has been causing a lot of conflict in their friendship since he wants to win me over. So basically, his friend has been texting me lately. And he likes to talk a lot about how my boyfriend isn’t a good guy for me. Very recently, the friend told me that my boyfriend hit his ex (I stupidly didn’t ask details about where she was hit or if that meant a slap or a punch) when he broke up with her. The very next day, his ex girlfriend reached me via internet and told me that she was his ex. She also said that he has many issues and that she hopes I can deal with them. She then said to take care of him.(and yes she is his actual ex, not just someone who made that up). My boyfriend only told me that he goes to a group therapy and that is because he fights with his dad a lot. (Not just verbal). However, he has never acted violent physically or verbally to me.So jeez! I haven’t told my boyfriend I have heard any of this. He is still great and hasn’t changed at all. I am not saying that I want to marry him, but I do love our relationship and want to make sure I’m doing the right thing. But I really wish I wouldn’t have to tell him any of this.
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best friend, broke up, ex girlfriend, his ex, long distance, text, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, not confusious  +, writes (2 February 2010):
You wanted advice and you got it. It doesnt really matter who contacted who, but the fact that you are replying is sending him all kinds of mixed signals which is why he is probably hanging on. And he promised you something kind so you want to stay friendly with him? Of course him and your bf are not 'really' friends anymore, you cant really be friends with anyone if you want their partner?? You were merely giving your bf the benefit of the doubt by not digging deeper into his past, when your bf's mate told you that he hopes you dont end up like his previous relationship. And the mate is giving you a sense of false security.
QUOTE "I forgot to add, his gf said "please don't tell him I'm doing this". At first I just thought, oh she obviously doesn't want him to stop her. Buy then I thought, there is probably fear that he will go finish the job with her, so I don't want to tell him about her because if it's true I don't want him to be violent again."
OR SHE DOESNT WANT YOU TO FIND OUT SHE IS LYING! - im not saying she is, but how do you know if your not going to ask the one concerned? Who do you trust more? Your boyfriend who you have no intention of finding out about his past by asking him...or His EX and so called mate?
You need to talk to your bf, absolutely no reason why you shouldnt!
A
female
reader, lovemylove +, writes (21 January 2010):
lovemylove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother thing, you guys sound like you think I'm gunna go off on my boyfriend. Not at all! I am very understanding and if I haven't already said this before, I don't really want to talk to my boyfriend about it. I forgot to add, his gf said "please don't tell him I'm doing this". At first I just thought, oh she obviously doesn't want him to stop her. Buy then I thought, there is probably fear that he will go finish the job with her, so I don't want to tell him about her because if it's true I don't want him to be violent again. I really just don't want part in this.
And I'll let you know if he ever seems like he's going to break loose. Also, him and his friend arent really friends anymore, but I just haven't told his friend to leave me alone because Of a very kind thing he promised me.
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A
female
reader, lovemylove +, writes (21 January 2010):
lovemylove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone so much!
A lot of you have been saying things like "don't contact his friend". I never contacted him, he contacted me. And I never asked about my boyfriends history or anything, his friend just randomly said "I hope you don't end up like him and his ex" and I didn't even want to know what he was talking about. So all I said was "oh" and I tried to change the subject but he ignored me and straight out said ya he hit his ex blah blah whatever.
Also, to FA, don't worry, he's only a year and two months older than me, it's not drastic (:
-feel free to provide more advice. It's be much appreciated!
3 lovemylove
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 January 2010):
 Long distance relationship, older guy, questions about his past. If I was your Dad, I'd pay for a background check right away. This is all kinds of unsafe.
FA
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): Your boyfriends friend sounds like a right asshole. If you and your boyfriend are getting on well then i'd suggest you tell this friend to stop contacting you. Maybe what he has said is true, maybe it isn't. But I don't think the right way of finding it out is secretly through him. If you really are in to your boyfriend, do the loyal thing and stop communicating with his friend! Concentrate on your relationship, and then as you get to know each other more, you will better know his character and be able to judge him for yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): Maybe your boyfriend did not want to admit what he did - it is something he is ashamed of and he is getting help. So... on the one hand that is good. However you need to stop listening to what other people say about him and open your own eyes wider. You also need to hear him talk about what happened truthfully and he owes you that. Be warned though, if he does have a violent tendency it could be that you have just not hit a 'trigger point' yet. There is often a lot of speculation around violence and his ex will have her view. Do not avoid what you hear but for now be balanced. Keep a watch out for things which relate to how a man can be abusive - the signs. There are websites which are useful on this topic and you are best educated on the subject than avoiding it and regretting it later.
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A
female
reader, allessi  +, writes (9 January 2010):
hey. ok so it sounds like your bf has anger issues. maybe his group therapy is anger management?as for the friend, tell him you appreciate his concern, but that it isnt goin to get him any closer to being with you and you would very much like for him to stop trying to win you by digging up dirt on his friend. surely if your bf's friend really was a 'friend' wouldnt be running to you with little snippets of a seemingly bad past. i know you dont want to relay this info to your bf but maybe it will help? just tell him you have heard things, and you would like a convo on what it is exactly that people are telling you. be sure to tell him you dont doubt him, that you still trust him but you would like to know why you are being told things like this. the 'friend' has proven to be more of an ass to your bf, and maybe he is trying to make you aware of certain nuggets of hidden past where your bf is concerned but it is not the friends place to tell you about it. assure your bf that nothing has changed between you, but you still need to know why people are telling you things, and if there is any truth to them, you and your boyfriend need to sit and talk it through. good luck!!!
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A
female
reader, not confusious +, writes (9 January 2010):
you have to tell your boyfriend about his friend, his ex and what they have told you. You can not make your decisions based on what his so called friend or his ex tells you. The information is hardly credible is it?? I mean dont disregard their information but do some homework first before you accuse your boyfriend of being violent or having any issuse.
Just because his relationship with his ex ended bad or wasnt a good relationship doesnt mean you cant have a happy relationship with him. I think your boyfriend ought to know what his mate is like and you should stop contact with him, especially since he is clearly trying to break yous up.
Have a heart to heart with your BF, ask others what he was like in previous relationships if your that concerned about him, but get to know him properly instead of listening to word of mouth.
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