A
female
age
30-35,
*unner4ever
writes:My boyfriend and I were together for 2 years. We broke up this summer because he said he was too young to settle down this early in his life. All summer we had no contact, but we go to the same college and run on the same cross country/track team. When we got back we first ignored each other and then both of us went through a rebound relationship. Both of our new relationships hurt each other, it was a jealousy game. He came to me and told me he still loved me, so both of us called it off with our new relationship. We started hanging out again like we were dating, but when I asked him to commit he said he needed more time. He always tells me that I’m the love of his life, but he just doesn’t want a serious relationship in college. He told me he wants to end up with me in the end but I should try to move on so it doesn’t hurt me so bad. So I cut off all communication with him and tried to move on. He wrote me a letter saying how much he loves me and how bad it hurts him. All of this was so painful during the semester. I started going to counseling and taking anti depressants. Now I am debating whether or not to go back to school this semester. We went out to dinner last night and he told me I have way too much talent and potential to give up. He said that this semester will be different, no jealousy games or anything. He says he loves me and I tell him it right back. Our plan this semester is to go out to dinner on the occasion, to not be friends (we still love each other to much), and just try to live single and independently. He said he doesn’t know how long he needs, maybe like 2 more years of college, or this summer?. Regardless I said I would try to move on but no matter what, he said he’ll let me know when he’s ready. So now I am stuck, I want to be with him no matter how long I have to wait, I know he’s the one for me. But it hurt so bad last semester that it was hard to go on every day. Should I go back this semester with our new plan, or should I go away? I want him back more than anything! What could speed along the process? Moving on is not an option. Please help!
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (7 January 2011):
 Ok. What is the purpose of him not being together right now, being single for a couple years before he settles down? It has to be to date people. It has to be that he can feel "free" to do whatever he wants, be it sex or random dates. Now ask yourself, do you have any interest at all in random dates? Or random sex? No. Because? You love him. If he really, truly loved you, he wouldn't want to date anyone else. Or have sex with anyone else. He would want you. The same way you feel for and want him. He doesn't feel the same way. I'm sure he loves you, but not in the same way. He wants to be able to get out and see other people before having to settle down with you. It hurts but it is fact. And I am sure he does feel too young to settle down. But it is a fact that if he truly loved you then he couldn't even think about sex with another girl. And saying to give him 2 years is to have you as a back up so to speak. He has feelings for you and thinks perhaps he could settle down with you in 2 years, why not? That's 2 years from now. He will be dating until then to get it out of his system. He will meet someone else most likely. Why want to be with someone who wants to be with other people? If it is meant to be then you could meet back up in years. But do not wait for him. He won't be waiting for you. He will be doing what he wants and if nothing better comes along then there you will be. And like I said, 2 years is so long this won't even be on your mind then. I know you won't put up with a few dinners on occassion while he is doing other girls too. And put up with that for years. Unless you have extremely low self esteem.
I would advise you to not go on these dinners. They will hurt you more I can promise you that. You will get your hopes up every time and get hurt every time and wonder why the hell you keep doing this to yourself, every time. You need to move on. You don't really have an option. Sitting around single for 2 years in hopes he may be coming back to you while he dates whoever he wants is ridiculous. The only way I could see you ending up together is if you both dated other people for awhile and somehow met back up years from now and tried all over again. But this simply isn't possible. Cease all contact to help you move on. I know you go to the same school but avoid him the best you can. I wouldn't quit school over the guy, but talking to him only hurts you worse and prolongs closure. It seems impossible to get over him now but you will. We all go through it at one time or another. Him telling you he will be ready in 2 years is extremely unfair by the way. I'm sure he doesn't mean for it to be, but he can't predict the future. He doesn't know who he will meet in this time of dating. OR where he will be in that time. He is throwing some number at you to make you feel better like he really loves you but it makes it worse. Now you question what to do. Move on. Ignore the waiting idea. You broke up and that's it. It is hard. But it's over. It was his choice when he decided he needed to see other people to live life. That's him, not you. I have ideas that can help you move on if you want them. You can always email me. But please don't keep this false hope with you. Can you really handle hearing or seeing him date others while you have this false hope he will marry you in 2 years..? You have to know it is ridiculous. Stop contact. Move on. If it is meant to be then it will one day. Don't wait in the mean time and don't have dinner and talk to him further to hurt yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): i havent commented on a quiestion before but i just wanted to say that alot of my guy friends are in this situation right now. theyre with girls that theyve been with for 2 years etc but they feel too young to settle down, even knowing that 'shes the one' it feel claustrophobic and dont want to know that theyre set for life so early ! i dont think theres any hidden agenda here or that hes playing with your emotions. i really do think he's telling you the truth.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 He sounds like he is being honest with you. If you can't cope with what he is suggesting you may have to leave the situation all together. I can't understand how he can have a big gap like that, act as if nothing is happening and say he will be with you 'later', how does that work exactly. He must have a hidden agenda. Are you sure you know him well enough to trust what he is saying. He says he doesnt want that relationship 'yet', but he found someone else in the meantime, i wonder what he told her. Something is not laying flat here. I hope he isnt playing with your emotions.
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