A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years, and it has always been important to us to wait for marriage to have sex. After being together for a little over a year, we started to be sexual. After a while, it got to the point where we just decided that, "okay, it's okay with us if we just do 'everything but' have actual intercourse." This is fine with us, and we like that we are saving something special for our wedding night, and that there is no chance of getting pregnant.But lately I've been a little worried. I know that majority of women don't orgasm just through intercourse, and I've heard that the best part for a women is the foreplay and clitoral stimulation. I've even heard of the man getting the women to orgasm and THEN having sex basically just for his benefit. I know that isn't the case for everyone, but I'm starting to worry that I've already done all the best parts.. and sex won't be any better than what we already do. Of course, it will be awesome for him- I know that, but I'm worried that I've already done the best part.Should I be worried or will it really be that much better?
View related questions:
foreplay, orgasm, wedding, wedding night Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): if you think its mental thing um suspect you might be doing it wrong....
Oh congratulations by the way
- if you have time afterwards (lol) maybe give an update -I don't meant the details - just how it was. If mental or just emotionally super...as well as orgasmic.
Very happy shagging.
Star.x.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone, these answers are all wonderful! I won't worry anymore, and they reminded me how it's going to be more of a mental thing, very intimate and special, giving ourselves to each other.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): good on you for deciding to wait until marriage. its something I've always wished I had done. Your man will want you more, if you decide to wait. Sex is the most amazing thing you will ever go though, especially if you know its with the right person. Don't worry, and just wait a little longer...
...............................
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (1 May 2009):
Will you accept a response from a guy who went through a similar situation? (OK - to be strictly correct, I guess I should say that my WIFE went through the same things you are dealing with.)
We "waited for marriage" to have intercourse. The time period wasn't as long for us, since we were married about a year after we met, but in the last 6 - 7 months of our engagement we did pretty much "everything but intercourse".
Overall I think that was a good thing. It made us work together to achieve a goal we had set (wedding-night virgins), it provided a degree of intimacy and bonding, and it taught us a lot about each others' sexual response. During that time my wife experienced her very first orgasm. It happened while I gave her oral sex, and the event is as memorable (for me) and almost as significant as our first intercourse.
To answer your question directly, married intercourse may not be much "better", but it will probably be "different". To explain that I must say that there are mental and emotional aspects of sex as well as the physiological mechanics. Some of the responses have pointed to this. Your question, on the other hand, seems to emphasize the physiology.
The article written by "satindesire" (mentioned by "OtherStarfish") is very informative; I posted a response in the thread that tried to show a guy's perspective and expand on some of her points. For my wife and I, "the first time" was perhaps some of the lousiest sex we have had over 34 years. It was painful, inept, and inconsiderate. (Your first time may be quite similar!) Our first time was also one of the most significant and meaningful events in both our lives. (Your first time may be quite similar!)
{For the record, we were 23 when we exchanged virginity. The story is in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night...", at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html ]. (Scroll down the thread to find my post.)}
When you get to the point of enjoying married sex, I hope you build a better understanding that sex isn't something you do "to him" but rather "with him". It's something you do to benefit yourselves as a couple, not just "his benefit" or "her benefit". Part of your early marriage experience will involve discovering the techniques and patterns that are most pleasurable and satisfying to BOTH of you - and discovering that they often change from day to day.
Many couples - my wife and I included - use a lovemaking pattern where, if she has an orgasm at all, it happens before mine, and usually before I enter her. Guys are actually short-changed in the orgasm department since the majority of girls can climax several times during lovemaking. (By the way, we had a LOT of fun - after being married - learning how to give my wife multiple orgasms.)
My (Baby Boom) generation was brainwashed about how "simultaneous orgasm" was the goal and pinnacle of marital sex. Bull! I suspect that the folks who wrote that crap never actually discussed lovemaking with real couples, much less saw how they actually did it. Now, it IS kind of fun when it happens - but it also wrecks the orgasm a bit. If you BOTH give yourself COMPLETELY to the sensations of climax at the same time, it's possible that one of you will get injured - so when we come together I can tell that we are both holding back a little, and not getting to abandon ourselves to the full experience. I find it much more satisfying to remain attentive, and hold my wife during her climax, perhaps applying the right touches in the right places at the right moments that enhance her pleasure sensations. Likewise, she gets special pleasure from holding me as I finish, feeling the contractions run through my body and the twitching inside her. Usually this happens after she has had as many climaxes as she needs and she has started the "coming down" phase.
(That "coming down" - also called "afterglow" - is something we enjoy MUCH MORE at the end of married sex than we did in our premarital "outercourse" activities. From a guy's perspective (at least, THIS guy) it's incredibly intimate to lay together afterwards, in mutual embrace, still coupled and feeling myself go soft inside her.)
You and your B/F may enjoy a pattern of sexual arousal and response that is entirely different from what my wife and I do. For that matter - our own patterns differ from time to time. Especially early in our marriage she occasionally asked that I finish fairly quickly, without taking the time to bring her to climax. At first I felt a little insulted by this but came to realize that she was actually being very considerate and loving toward me. When she WAS more in the mood, and we had more time, I made CERTAIN that she was pleasured in whatever way she desired.
I hope this has helped you understand that sex - between married lovers - involves a lot more than the physiological mechanics of stimulation, arousal and orgasm. Even beyond the mental and emotional aspects, you have chosen to make it something very special that is shared only between you and your husband. Will it be "better"? Perhaps - perhaps not. Will it be "different"? I hope so!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): It sounds like you've created a wonderful relationship together, that you've come to know one another beautifully, and that you're ready for a life together. And that you've saved something special for your wedding night. Good for you, and God bless.
Our excessively sexualized society seems to have created expectations. TV shows like "Friends" and "Sex in the City" focus on "the act". Girl, you've already gone far beyond that. If you and your guy have "done everything but", well good on ya. You've probably reached all the physical heights.
Intercourse can be a tawdry nothing, which you have avoided. It's not about sensation - you've almost certainly gone beyond that.
What you are going to share on you wedding night isn't about physical sensation. The brain, as they say, is the most powerful sex organ. You're going to 'give' yourselves to one another in a way that you've denied each other so far. In a perfect world, your brain is going to revel in something new, whole and pure. You'll 'give' yourself to him in a new, intellectual way. And that's going to be more powerful than whatever you guys tried before.
Don't sweat the physical stuff. In your mind it's gonna be something new. And that can be fabulous!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): Some couples sexual compatibility is such that the man's thrust technique is perfectly stimulating to the clitoris. This may happen for you, and I hope so. There are many ways a man can thrust while he is in you to beautifully stimulate the clitoris. Men who desire pleasing their partner know to practice and explore and focus on that until they get it right.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): stop worrying.... sigh...stop trying to guess... just wait a little longer, then you will know. Then will it matter what you thought before? This is the man you love, who has chosen over all others and he has chosen you. it will be beautiful.
- actually it will be messy and probably go wrong.Don't expect rockets and fireworks (lol) read satindesires post:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/thinking-about-losing-your-virginity.html
most doesn't apply to you....:) but worth reading....
yes a lot of women only climax clitorally never anything else, some after trying find away. hate the statement about just his benefit.
it will take time and practice to become good \ competent\ fabulous. you have a long head start than most... so keep practicing and enjoy... really enjoy.
Star.x.
...............................
A
female
reader, 13AF +, writes (30 April 2009):
Even though you've already done "everything else", there's a certain aspect to sex that will still make your wedding night fantastic and memorable. It's the experience, not necessarily the sensations, that make sex a wonderful thing no matter what your history is.
...............................
|
