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*irl-SOuth Africa
writes: I have a very dear friend who has been involved in a relationship with a guy for about 18 months now. He has, over this time, become emotionally and mentally abusive towards her, and it is breaking her down. She was always a friendly, bubbly person, now she is depressed all the time. I have told her to leave him, but I need to give her more advice as to why she should, and why he is dangerous for her. Could someone please tell me what I should tell her.
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reader, Wendyg  +, writes (7 June 2005):
 Unfortunately, unless your friend makes the jump, you will not be able to convince her to leave him. All you can really do is be there for her when things go bad. My sister had a similar thing happen to her and I tried with all my might to get her to leave him, no matter how many times he hit her or made her ill, she would always go back as she would say that shes loves him and that he loved her and that she was to blame. I went through years of turmoil watching her being abused by this guy, always being there for her, every time she came to me when he had abused her, I prayed she would leave. Countless times went on when she would leave and then go back as she thought he would change... no matter what I said didn't make any difference... It was only one day that she suddenly woke up and moved out, to this day I dont know what made her do it, but it was her choice the more you badger someone about it they resent you. It is hard standing by, but let her know that you support her and that you will always be there for her, hopefully she will one day wake up and realise hes not the one and that she deserves better. Just be a friend and never turn your back on her... but do let her know that there are other men out there that are not like him, but be gentle with her, she will refuse to see that hes bad until she is ready, but always let her know that there are brighter things in life and she will gradually realise this and one day will hopefully make the bolt.
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reader, psychic1 +, writes (7 June 2005):
What a kind friend you are. You can support your friend while she goes through this, but you can't help her if she does not want to help herself. If he becomes abusive again tell her that as her friend you will not stand by & see her treated like this. She has options. Women's refuge is a wonderful place that can be great for you both to go & have a chat. They can give her really good advice on setting boundaries & help her to develop her self worth. Remind her that abuse dose not have to be physical for it to hurt & leave scars.If she ever goes on to have children & doesn't break this cycle now, she will be teaching her children that this is all they are worth when in a relationship, to be abused. Good luck, & keep yourself safe.
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reader, Your big sis +, writes (7 June 2005):
 Tell her that you have been seeing a guy for two weeks and you really really like him. Then say the guy is so possessive and controlling and he threatened to hit you. Ask her for her advice on what to do. Then tell her to tell herself because that's how much you care for her. Abusive men usually tell a woman that she's weak, she's nothing, she'll never do better. So you have to boost her up. Once she breaks through all the lies he's been feeding her, she'll see.
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