A
male
age
30-35,
*lwayswondering
writes:Good evening,I have thought of something that rather disturbs me and has for quite sometime. I'm currently 22 years old and I'm a virgin. I know I shouldn't feel embarrassed by it, but it seems that virginity is lost in highschool to the whole "trial and error" or the notion of "you're a loser if you don't before highschool ends". I just get this vibe for some reason. I also feel like if I end up dating someone, and she has had sexual experiences because it seems that most people my age has already had sex, it doesn't sit right with me? What I'm saying is, if I end up dating a girl who has had sexual experiences, and I end up having sex with her for my first time, why doesn't this sit right with me? It's not because I'm scared that I will be horrible in bed, or because she has more experience than me. Perhaps you guys can help ease this dissonance? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 Constantly wonder if your partner will cheat on you, DUE to her vast sexual history ?...
There's no cause-effect direct link.
If it's being cheated that you worry about, alas, it's not your partner's virginity or scant experience which will protect you from someone who WANTS to cheat .How many letters I have seen on DC from people who married young and (relatively ) unexperienced, and at some point they feel they have been " missing out ", they are " curious to see if the grass is greener ", feel they should be able to compare etc.etc.
The choice between cheating or not is a matter of personal integrity and loyalty, not of how many penises exactly you have met up close.
A
male
reader, Alwayswondering +, writes (16 September 2011):
Alwayswondering is verified as being by the original poster of the questionanonymous:"But modern sexual rules respect people with casual sex habits more than people who live by more chaste habits."-I don't want to believe that every girl I meet has had a vast sexual life. I don't think casual sex is right. There has to be others with this ideal. I can understand if a person was sexually active a lot, but the relationships were meaningful. However, will she admit that it was just empty sex? It would make her sound like a slut. I guess I have to trust her word for it. My response was directed to anonymous. He does bring up an interesting point. It does seem that casual sex is more accepted. Who knows, perhaps in a few years it won't be called casual sex, but just sex.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (16 September 2011):
 I'm sorry but with due respect that's not what people have been saying. You have two premises in your followup. First, that you have to accept that any girl you're interested in will have had casual sex, and second,
that a girl who has had sexual experience cannot settle down and be faithful to one person. Neither of those premises is supported by evidence, nor by the replies you've received.
There are plenty of girls who eschew the concept of casual sex. We see them here on DC all the time, asking whether they can find meaningful relationships that include their waiting until marriage. You don't have to conform to anything. If you want a girl that doesn't believe in casual sex, wait until you find her. She and her sisters are out there in droves, as much as they might not advertise themselves.
At the same time, girls who have played the field and find the 'right guy' won't cheat. They already know what's out there, and so know quality when they find it. If that girl isn't for you, that's perfectly fair and entirely up to you. But I think it's unfair for you to state categorically that if she's had experience she'll cheat. Sometimes we princes benefit when she's kissed a lot of frogs.
...............................
A
male
reader, Alwayswondering +, writes (16 September 2011):
Alwayswondering is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should specify. If that history is in healthy relationships, then that's fine. Will she ever tell me the truth though?
...............................
A
male
reader, Alwayswondering +, writes (16 September 2011):
Alwayswondering is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I guess I have to conform to the notion that mostly everyone has casual sex. And that I need to be okay with this. I don't think I can. I think I would rather remain alone, than constantly wonder if my partner is cheating on me, due to her vast sexual history.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): The problem is that you are a normal healthy male, who has normal healthy feelings, that are politically incorrect these days.
You want someone whose values and life experiences and choices are like your own. If we were talking about virtually anything else besides sexual history this would be seen as perfectly healthy and normal. But modern sexual rules respect people with casual sex habits more than people who live by more chaste habits.
...............................
A
female
reader, hannah76  +, writes (13 September 2011):
 Hi,
There is nothing great about losing it in a worthless fling. I got duped at 17 on holiday and never saw him again. I felt the loser by the way. You should get to know a girl first and not place a big emphasis on the sexual side. Get to know her and enjoy things together. Don't rush into sex. If she wants to rush in, then she is not the girl for you. When you enjoy seeing a special girl, you will find that
it really is not a problem if she has had sex once or twice or even a lot. If you get on well and enjoy company together, then you will find that she is special because of her experiences. She will like you so will not look at performance, size or anything else. All fine.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (13 September 2011):
I'm not quite clear what you're asking. Are you thinking that you'd be better off losing your virginity with a girl who is also a virgin?
If you didn't 'lose it' in high school in some meaningless fling, you can count yourself lucky. The people who did so (and called you a loser) will very likely one day reflect on how they gave it away in a meaningless circumstance and be sorry for it. You on the other hand still have the opportunity to make it a meaningful event. You've held out, presumably because you want it to be meaningful. You're suggesting that you want to build a relationship, get to know the girl, and to know that sex is something special as a pinnacle of the relationship. Good on ya, that's the right way to do it. Patience will be a reward.
...............................
|
