A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a unique situation I am in. Married for 10 years. Never consummated my marriage with my husband. I am still a virgin. We are now separated and heading for divorce. This was not the primary reason for us splitting. There were other issues that came into play. How on earth do I begin dating or even think of a new relationship being like this? Will men run away from me or think that I am strange? Will I be doomed to be alone the rest of my life? This is a hard thing to be going through because I want to find someone new but I am not sure they would accept me as I am. Would a guy even have any way of knowing I have never had sex before without me saying? Could anyone help me on what to do? I am really scared about this! But I really want to be able to experience it. I know I am missing out. Thank you.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 April 2012):
 I would say if you are divorcing mostly over this, you might consider trying to stop the divorce from happening, though if there are other things you should do what you need to. If it is just the sex though, it will be easier to get through this with someone you trust. I do not think either person is to blame, it is simply a medical condition. I think your husband in fact sounds like he has been putting in a tremendous effort.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 Dear Op, the very last thing you need is a powerful man to take you by sheer force !
What you describe sounds just like " vaginismus ". It's a conditions in which involuntary contractions of the pubococcygeus muscle are activated, which causes the vaginal muscles to tense suddenly and makes penetration extremely painful, or just impossible according to the degree of severity . It's general classified in 4 level of severity, but enrolling the cooperation of, basically, a brute to do the deed , could also trigger a stage 5, accompanied by nausea , vomit, palpitations, loss of consciousness and other such good stuff.
You don't need a caveman to ravage you- you need to see an OB / GYN. He'll be able to tell you if this condition is caused by any preexisting physical condition or anomaly ( much less common but it happens ) or if it's a psychological impediment . In this last case, there are many things you can do and many ways to approach the problem , from hypnosis to relaxation techniques to different types of talk therapy,etc. but, - it's not a " do it yourself " situation. Talk to a good specialist first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): It's the OP again. Thank you. You've all been helpful. I do agree with the last two posters. I guess I am still afraid and have not dealt with the phobias in order to get past it. But I want to more than anything and this is why I am reaching out for help. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have missed out on sex for all of my life. I am 36 years old and have never experienced it! I feel so inadequate and like a failure as a woman. I so desperately want this to change but I just don't know how. I will take the blame here but I also feel my former husband has some blame in this. It does not matter now because the divorce papers are being signed but what does matter is that I truly want to start a new life and be able to enjoy a sexual relationship with another man. Any advice on how not to be scared would help me. I am starting to think now that I am doomed forever to live this way.
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A
female
reader, Lucky786  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 Some men will care that you are a virgin and not want to have sex.
Some men won't care and will still want to have sex.
Some men will care that you are a virgin and will still care during sex. This is the guy you want to meet.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (11 April 2012):
In contrast to what person12345 said, I believe it is generally younger and/or inexperienced men who suffer from retrograde jealousy. That's they type of guy who will be thrilled by a woman with little or no sexual history. More experienced and older men are generally thrilled about good sex, which is more likely with an experienced partner.
Also, many men would be able to tell that a woman has little or no experience in bed by how she acts. Trust me, I can tell instantly when I'm with a woman that knows what she's doing and what she likes, and whether a girl is more kinky or the conservative type.
Some guys will definitely be up for the challenge of teaching a woman the ropes and helping her explore her sexuality. However, I personally would not. I have a high sex drive, so I'd consider it a non-starter entering into any type of relationship with a woman who has gone into her mid-30's - especially one that was married for so long - and had yet to have sex. That's not the "freak between the sheets" kind of girl that would hold my interest. But I'm sure there are guys who see this differently and will appreciate being her first.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 April 2012):
 I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, OP, but given what you said to us in your follow up, you are no longer a virgin.
Legally, penetration, however slight, is enough to complete the act. If he even got a centimeter in, then you are no longer a virgin. Orgasm doesn't have to take place, nor does he have to go "all the way in" in order to change status. This is emotionally backed up in the fact that you gave yourself willingly to him.
I agree with person12345 -- it's a medical issue as well as a psychological one. You were terrified, and it's extremely common for someone who's scared to tense up and make it more painful and difficult to enter. You don't need a guy to power past your fear. You need to not be afraid.
This guy you were with didn't cross you. I don't know whether or not you have a strong and forceful personality he didn't want to clash with, or if he was very timid and anxious himself. He truly loved you though, that much is obvious.
A stronger man isn't what you need. You need to overcome your fear. You aren't taking pills or using an IUD. Your fear keeps you from other options. In short, you have hangups, yet you do, in your heart, want to experience the joy of sex.
This would be like a person who desperately wants to go to Hawaii, the land of their dreams, yet is terrified of both flying and the water, and hasn't done what's necessary to overcome these phobias.
You want the land of sexual paradise through intercourse, but you're terrified of the penis inside the vagina, and the breaking of the hymen. YOU have to learn to overcome those fears. Of COURSE the muscles will involuntarily contract!
Never lose sight of the fact that it wasn't your husband's complex. It was yours.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 April 2012):
"My muscles contracted involuntarily."
There is a disorder that causes this too, you should go see a doctor to make sure that isn't the problem, rather than that your husband wasn't forceful enough. It shouldn't take force or power to have sex physically. I don't mean to say that shouldn't turn you on, I just mean that in order to get it in that shouldn't be required. Involuntary painful muscle contractions when you try to penetrate the vagina are a physical condition that can be worked on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): It's the OP. Thank you everybody for your answers.
Well, at first it was because I was afraid of the pain and I made it hard for him to get in. My muscles contracted involuntarily. We kept at it and it turned into him always going limp when it was time to enter because he was afraid of hurting me. He could never stay hard enough for intercourse. This would happen all the time. I don't use pills so he had to go get a condom and that didn't help matters because he found he lost it a lot more easily when he had to put one on. I am experienced in every other way, just not intercourse.
My husband is the type that worshipped me. Whatever I wanted is what I got and he has never had his own mind. I think he had me up on some pedastal and was afraid of doing anything to me that would hurt me, upset me etc. I know it sounds strange but this is what I think. Could never get past that complex he had. So we just eventually stopped trying because it was the same old thing.
I need a man who is a MAN and is not afraid to take my virginity. He has to be firm and know he is the one taking the lead. I don't mean rape me or not be loving but I mean take charge. I won't be in charge for sure, at least not the first time or two. My husband just could not allow himself to do it.
I know. It is crazy, isn't it?
But I am so open and willing to have a sexual relationship with the right man. I have been missing out on so much and I don't want to live my life this way anymore.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 It depends on why you never had sex really. What was the reason for it, and do you plan to have sex and intercourse in the next relationship you enter? If you plan to keep your virginity in the next relationship it might pose a problem, as most adults in adult relationships do want sex to be part of that relationship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 April 2012):
The Aunts before me make good points, but I think this actually could be an issue with guys you meet in the future.
The *reason* why you didn't have sex during the 10 years that you were married is a big issue. If it was for medical reasons that would be one thing. My aunt married a guy who was a quadriplegic before he passed away. Everyone loved him, and she always says that there was no one she loved more than him. They were married 16 years until his death, and they never had sex. If it was for medical reasons, or if he refused to have sex with you, then I think, like the other aunts have said, that there would be absolutely no problem.
However, if *you* refused to have sex, and there was no medical reason for you to do so, then I think it will be a problem. You say that you want someone to accept you as you are, but marriage is mutual acceptance. A natural expression of love in marriage is sexual, and if there's no medical reason to withhold, then it's withholding.
I think it would throw off the jerks if you wanted to only have sex within marriage, but I think it would throw off many good guys to know that there would be no sex during marriage either.
Otherwise, if there's some emotional component to why you haven't had sex, if you're asexual or you have anxiety or a past trauma that makes you phobic of sex, then you may want to consider marrying a guy with as fervent of an aversion to sex as you do, or who is unable to have conventional sex.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 May I only say that some people would not believe you're still a virgin. So don't say anything and let it happen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): I think guys will want to know why it never happened during your marriage, something I wonder myself.
I don't think it would bother too many guys, it wouldn't bother me. You being a virgin wouldn't be strange but 10 years of marriage and still a virgin is.
Being a virgin is not a handicap at any age OP, as long as that doesn't mean you won't have sex or aren't willing to have a sexual relationship. That's where the reasons you haven't yet even though you were married ten years are kind of important.
Would a guy know you haven't had sex before? Yeah because you should tell them, for the simple fact that they might just think you're crap in bed if you don't tell them. There are just certain things experienced women do when having sex, little tricks that make the process easier, better and more convenient they know that in most positions they have to guide us in because we're using both hands already, they know from the feeling of you lifting them which position you're putting them into, they'll assume that position automatically and correctly, or can be adjusted slightly. There are just lots of little things that you can only learn by doing although you could just ask some of your girlfriends or ask here for some of the basic tricks. Saying that there are plenty of women who are just crap and/or selfish and never bother doing those things.
No guy would really mind any of that if they know you're a virgin beforehand just as long as you don't make your virginity a big deal then guys won't either.
It will only scare off douchebags OP so don't worry about missing out on a good guy because of this, if at your age he's not able to handle a woman being a virgin then he's not for you anyway and you're not missing out by him walking away.
Just go out and date OP when you're ready, there's nothing scary about dating nor sex. Just go have some fun.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 April 2012):
With all the questions we get about retrograde jealousy over past lovers, I think many men would be absolutely thrilled with a woman with no sexual history. And no there's no way they can tell, but I don't see why you wouldn't tell them. Just be sure that they know a vague reason as some might be concerned about religious reasons. I really don't think anyone would find this a negative in a woman.
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