A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone help?To cut a long story short, I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. 10 months ago he asked me to marry him but it turns out he just wanted a wife to live with and look after his parents.I told him I didn't want to get married for that reason and it was all called off. Sighs of relief all round from me, my family and friends. I know if I had married him, I would have made a big mistake.Anyway we still see each other and it is pretty much like it was before he proposed. EXCEPT he still thinks we will get married one day but he won't buy his own house and still wants me to live with his parents who really don't like me and whom I really don't like. I cannot see this marriage happening at all, EVER and I have told him that but he still continues to delude himself that it will happen.Can anyone please explain to me why everyone else around him, including myself, can see that we won't get married yet he persists in this delusion? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 April 2012):
 Are you sure thats why he wanted to marry you? This IS 2012 , there are homehelp agencies galore for his parents situation. He doesn't NEED to marry somebody to replace his sister ,thats very drastic .
He may possibly be in love and want to share his life and future with you.
If that IS the case you should finish the relationship so he can then be free to find a woman who loves him and wants to marry
and you can find your ideal man.Your friends and family dont seem to approve of your 'thing' with him so i bet they will line up replacements
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think I am giving mixed signals. I have been brutally honest.
One of the reasons I won't marry him is that his sister who currently live at home wants to move out and he needs to marry and bring home his replacement (seriously) and that's why he asked me to marry him. I don't think his heart is in it so it's not right.
In 5 years time we won't be together. He will be married to a wife who he won't love and that's fine by me. I enjoy his company and going out. I accept that we won't get married and I want to live for now.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (11 April 2012):
Hi
Your sending mixed messages your saying you will never marry him but still carry on the relationship. Relationships do tend to go somewhere.
Until his parents are no longer here his situation will remain the same ,as time goes on they will be more dependant on his care. He may inherit the house eventually which is possibly why he wont buy one for you two.
He like most men would will think you will give in and marry him as your still together. If you dont want to be with him as a wife what do you want Where do you see this relationship in 5 years time?
Do you not want to marry again ever or would you marry another man, is this what your waiting for, a better offer ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses. We are both divorced and this is how clear I have been:
"I don't want to marry you,"
"Just to be straight, you and I will never get married,"
His response:
"I don't believe that,"
We do love each other and I am happy to carry on as we are as I live a life independent of him and vice versa.
I do not believe he will move out and make his own way in this world and he has told me his family come first which is fine by me. I'm not waiting for him to do anything. I have even told him he should get married to someone who will look after his parents but he won't. He just keeps on with this idea.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 So, my understanding is that you want to marry him, but you do NOT want to live with his parents and assist in caring for them? That's understandable -- you want to start your own family instead of just being free labor.
The issue is whether or not he will make that move to become independent and strike out on his own.
I know you love him, but you have a choice as well, and it isn't just based on his choice. If you don't care about getting married at all, then you need to be direct and tell him that you will not marry him.
However, if you *do* want marriage and are waiting for him to "get his act together" and move out, then I think you'll wait a long time, because family obligation is way too strong to break in some people, and he may see it his sworn duty to stay and care for his parents at the expense of his own wants.
So, your next action is based on what you want out of YOUR future.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 You told him you didn't want to get married for that reason, but didn't leave him. Naturally he expects that at some point you will give in.
If you are so sure that marrying him would be a big mistake, why not end the relationship? The differences with respect to marriage are very slight anyways.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 Perhaps you haven't been clear enough and perhaps all the others who know it wont happen havent actually told him yet.
Have you tried telling him where YOU believe the relationship you have with him is going, marriage is often the logical end for many relationships, where do you see the relationship going?
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