A
female
age
,
*ata1l
writes:Oh, where to start? I am 54 years old, work 2 days in a beauty shop and 3 or 4 days as an in home health aide. I am struggling, even working 2 jobs. After going from couch to couch for 6 months last year, I finally saved enough to get my own tiny place. Also, I have been dating, if that is what you call it, for about 2 1/2 years. First I did nothing, on the philosiphy that you should not try too hard. Noone asked me out. Then I put ads online on 2 dating sites, and went on dates with several men, none of which worked out. 2 of the men, in my age group, did not have a job and lived with their mother, and one of them had not worked in over a year. So I gave up for a while again, told I was trying too hard. For a year nothing happened. Then I put in more ads, and met 3 men, all 3 of which I found out did not work and live with their mothers! WTH? It seems like most men in my age group are slackers and lazy. In the meantime, a young 30 year old neighbor in my new place, who I know from the beauty shop, helps me install a light at my new place, comes up and helps me after I have an abcessed tooth pulled, and helps me with other things around the house. He is cute, sweet, and has a job. Now he does live with his grandma, but only because she is disabled and he takes her to the dr, does her shopping, etc. Long story short, I developed feelings, even though I know that it was inappropriate because of the age difference and also he has a girlfriend in another state. I behaved myself and kept my feelings to myself. I also put another ad online to distract myself. IT seems the only men that answer my ads are losers and men seeking friends with benefits. I live in a community where a lot of people don't even speak english and there are not a lot of people in my age group, so meeting people in my neighborhood has been a bust. In the meantime, this young man's girlfriend came down to visit him, and every time I drive by his house and see her car, it is like a kick in my stomach. I do not interfere in any way, cause I care about him and he deserves a nice girlfriend, and I am sure that he is not interested in someone my age. But I am lonely and no matter what I do, I can't find someone to at least go to the movies with or out to eat. All I require is that they have a job or some kind of income, and a good attitude. I am very frustrated right now. Please help with advice.
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female
reader, kata1l +, writes (21 June 2012):
kata1l is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, Tisha. Everything that you said is right on, I guess that I just wanted to hear someone else say it. You are right, I do feel stuck. I do try something differnet, like going to festivals, and I did go to a senior dance last month. 40 women and 5 men there, all 5 men married.I probably will give up for a while, and do things on my own. I am good at that. But is it against the law to want male company here and there? I am not desperate, but it would be great to watch a ballgame or something with someone. If I do try, people say I am trying too hard. If I accept it and do nothing, people say that I need to make an effort! Guess it is hard finding that balance in between. I am not looking for perfection, but I would have no respect for a man that is not self supporting, when I work so hard, and I don't do casual sex. So maybe the universe is telling me to move somewhere else. I will consider all your good advice. In the meantime, I will keep on doing things on my own and enjoying life as a single. Also, I think I will look for a bigger church. Want to mention Baggage Reclaim as a great website for women empowering themselves in relationships, it has kept me at least from being in a bad relationship, and it is better to be single than to wish you were single! And I do read self help books plenty. If you have any specific titles that you think are great, hit me up! Thanks again.
A
female
reader, kata1l +, writes (21 June 2012):
kata1l is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, Tisha. Everything that you said is right on, I guess that I just wanted to hear someone else say it. You are right, I do feel stuck. I do try something differnet, like going to festivals, and I did go to a senior dance last month. 40 women and 5 men there, all 5 men married.I probably will give up for a while, and do things on my own. I am good at that. But is it against the law to want male company here and there? I am not desperate, but it would be great to watch a ballgame or something with someone. If I do try, people say I am trying too hard. If I accept it and do nothing, people say that I need to make an effort! Guess it is hard finding that balance in between. I am not looking for perfection, but I would have no respect for a man that is not self supporting, when I work so hard, and I don't do casual sex. So maybe the universe is telling me to move somewhere else. I will consider all your good advice. In the meantime, I will keep on doing things on my own and enjoying life as a single. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 June 2012):
 So the parameters of the situation are that you are in a neighborhood with few dating prospects, a church with few dating prospects, jobs with few dating prospects as well, and not a lot of spare cash, along with a set of friends who don't honestly sound like you enjoy very much.
It sounds like you are getting yourself out there as best you can.
Hm. I can see why you are stumped.
Well, if you can't move to a new place and change where you worship and work and the money situation, I think you do need to meet new people to maximize your potential exposure to potential dates. The young people in church will have older relatives, the people you work with will have friends/relatives/acquaintances in the the age bracket you are looking to date.
I can't speak to the guys who misrepresented themselves or disappointed you, maybe they are doing the best they can too, who knows?
Anyway, if what you are doing isn't working, then you need to change it up, right?
Not all the meetup events cost money, as I recall. Maybe focus on free things, volunteer at events where there would be men in your age bracket, you sound smart enough to figure out what those might be in your area.
Maybe consider changing churches and finding one with a larger congregation?
Perhaps you may even consider if your skills and jobs are transferable and start looking in towns where there are more of the demographic you are looking for.
Alternatively, you could make peace with the situation, accept that you are just meant be single right now and embrace that as a learning experience for yourself right now. Read all the self-help books (I've got some good ones in my profile) and write a bucket list and go do some of the things you can on that bucket list. Create experiences for yourself that bring you positive energy and make you happy.
To be honest, I hear a lot of excuses and not much hope in your post. Your list of friends was kind of negative and maybe that means you need to get them out of your life and find new ones. Maybe the universe is telling you that you aren't in the right place to bring you peace and the companionship you are looking for. Maybe you wrote her hoping for a fantastic solution, but I think you are an intelligent woman who can think these things through herself.
You dismissed the meetup and the senior dances because "most" of them are expensive or unavailable. Not ALL, though, right? Focus on what you CAN do and who you CAN meet and less on what is blocked. Look at the opportunities and not at the obstacles, if that makes any sense. Just a slight adjustment in viewpoint, if you see what I mean.
The guy with the LDR girlfriend? That's a mental distraction. Acknowledge it, say hello to it, soak it up and then.... let it go.
Sorry I don't have the magic answer. I wish I did. All I've got is a suggestion that you take off the lenses through which you are viewing things and try with a new set of lenses, and point your view at the openings, not the blockages.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, kata1l +, writes (21 June 2012):
kata1l is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBeleive it or not, I did join meetup.com and livingsocial.com, but a lot of the activities take money, which I have limited supply of. I do have friends, but one wants to drag her husband along everywhere he go, and he is obnoxious, the other one uses profanity nonstop, a 3rd one only gets out when her husband goes hunting (3 times a year), and a 4th friend has 4 kids, so only wants me to go to her house where there is no chance to meet people. I go to the senior citizen's dances in town, but everyone is mostly paired up or over 90. So you can see why I am frustrated. The last guy I "dated" was 57 and on disability, which there is nothing wrong with that, but he lived with family, and told me 2 weeks ago they are moving out of state, so he is living in his car for a while! He volunteered how much he gets from SSI, and it is more than I get from working 2 jobs, yet he says he can't afford to rent a place only getting that much! In the meantime, he has an expensive cell phone, internet, and other things that he could give up to get a place to live. I am flabbergasted, because part of the money the government gives you is supposed to provide a roof over your head! And, no, he is not moving in with me, like he hinted, cause it is in my lease that my rent would go up for good, even if he moved out. And he gets well enough money OMHO to at least rent a room somewhere. And this is all too common in my age group. Guy before him told me he was a machinist, but turned out he had not worked in a year, lived with his mom, had no income, and no car, and did not seem to be working. I feel that I am at least being productive and trying, and these guys are misrepresenting themselves. If I could afford to move to a more "target rich' environment, beleive me, I would.
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A
female
reader, kata1l +, writes (21 June 2012):
kata1l is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoney with 2 jobs I stay "busy", plus I do volunteer at my church, which has only 35 members and they are all married or under 25. I do karaoke once a month at clubs, and rarely see anyone over 30 there. The demographics of my neighborhood make it hard, not because I am prejudiced, but not speaking English is a huge impediment. I have tried to date 2 guys who did not speak English, and it was very hard. So thanks for the ideas, but I should have mentioned that my money is very limited, also, along with my time. I only have one day off a week (Sunday), and I do also go to my brother's and nephews softball games regularly. So I feel that I am making a good effort.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 June 2012):
To add onto Eyes' suggestion, I have a website that may lead you to meeting people with interests like yours. http://www.meetup.com/ For an explanation of what it is, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meetup
The young man and his girlfriend are a reminder of a life you want to enjoy. So do you have girlfriends to hang out with, or are you more of a social loner?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 June 2012):
 Why not try something else? Instead of online dating site, go join a volunteer group, or community organization, or club that has an activity you enjoy? Those are great ways to meet people plus you stay busy and are "out there" and visible.
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