A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:Hi everyone. (I posted this on my latest question, but have decided to *bump it up* so to speak by putting it in the form of a new question)Just wanted to update you all to say, I think I've let you all, and myself down.Last night, my ex came online via MSN which took me by surprise. We had a nice chat to start with, but then some things started to get me a little emtional: She was telling me that she's started to order an outfit she'll be wearing for her 18th birthday party next month. She was describing it, and I could do nothing but picture her wearing it, and thinking; I'm not going to get to see her.This ran around in my head like an olympic athelete. And soon, I just kept thinking; You've got to do something! I guess I wasn't thinking about the consequences but I went ahead and asked her if I could go and see her in a week or so (as originally planned before the split) She said no, and that she was sorry. But she didn't stop there, she started asking "Why do you do this?? We have a nice convo and then.. suddenly.. you guilt trip me" From there I reassured her that I wasn't intentionally guilt tripping her, I just wanted to ask one more time, I'm sorry, and it was stupid.After saying it, I immediately regretted it. I felt like I lost the control I had, or atleast some of it anyway. I'm still going to hold off before contacting her of course, but now it seems like I have even less.. power, so to speak, and I didn't have much of that anyway.Despite all this, I'm looking ahead as I was before all of this: The chances of us getting back together anytime soon are microscopic. I will continue to contact her every once in a while, and hopefully she will do the same. From there I'm not sure. If nothing else, tonight I found out that I will definately not be with her this summer, as predicted.If you could tell me how things are looking from your point of view, I would be grateful, but I'm very ashamed that I asked for your advice, and didn't follow it. I put it down to emotion and surprise, but that is no excuse.I'm so sorry everyone.
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male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (28 July 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I think you misread me in some fields, doc. The words "power" and "control" do not in the least refer to said "power" and "control" over my ex, meerly the situation itself. I felt like I had some control over the situation; establishing that I would get in touch with HER next. But that kind of blew out of the window, after I opened it up.
I don't think my ex did think we could be friends after this. When I suggested it, she was hesitant in saying yes, but still said yes and that she'd "like to think we could be" (This was something we always told eachother should we ever break up). Keep in mind this was about 2 minutes after she broke up with me, so I was still had the idea very much in my head that I could maybe turn things around at some point. I probably hadn't completely let go of that idea until.. well, last night probably.
You ask why I "want" to handle this break up the later way. I really don't. That just happens to be the way I'm allowing it to be. Tell me, Doctor; Would YOU not have atleast TRIED to get your ex to reconsider breaking up? Your First love, no less? No less the person who you considered your best friend? No less the person who has made your life full for 2 long, wonderful years? And the person whom you did absolutely all you could every waking moment to make things work with them? Doctor, I was not yet ready to accept that. I couldn't help but drag things out in this way, and I'm sorry that I was not ready to take a long fall down from being loved to just being a friend.
I don't mean to sound rude, or touchy or anything, but I feel very passionately about all this, and to me, you're saying that I just shouldn't try at all. I've started accepting things as of yesterday, and it won't be easy, but you are right when you say that it's something that needs to be done. I don't want to be hated or ignored by her after all we had. But I can't stress how difficult that is for me quite enough.
As for the apology. I thought it was necessary due to the fact that good people like yourself took time out of your lives to offer your advice, and it now looks as if I ignored it. The reason I ask for more advice is because I still feel a little lost about the next step (although you have started to let me show myself that accepting is jsut about all I can do) and more advice would be appreciated. If people thought their advice was falling on deaf ears they would just start to ignore me.
Again doc, I apologize to you for seeming a little dramatic, just accepting that your first love doesn't want to be with you is by no means easy to accept, and for me, is absolutely impossible not to try and change her mind. This is what I must do now, but like I said, it will be by no means easy for me.
Anyway, I think after all that, Flower girl deserves a mention; sound advice, as ever, and I will do my best to take it in future.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): Unfortunately, your post demonstrates just why when a relationship ends, to continue to try to be "friends" is a bad idea. No, let me amend that: a very bad idea.Why? Because for one or other of you to end it means that there was something about the relationship that wasn't working. Doesn't mean you, or she, are bad people, or did something horrible when a split occurs; it basically is a question of the two of you (I'm talking generally in saying "you") not being compatible together, and that can be for a variety of reasons.As you can see from your own experience, the one who is told things are finished, often has a hope (no matter how small a hope) that maybe, just maybe, sometime down the road, in a few weeks or months, the ex will come to his/her senses and realize what he's missing and will beg to resume the relationship.Sorry to say, but that hope, while understandable, is a pipe-dream. Something that very rarely happens in real life.So what do you do when a relationship ends? You grieve for a while - unless of course "you" were the one to end it, in which case "you" might feel a mixture of sadness and relief that its over.If "you" were the one who got dumped, however, its harder to come to terms with. But, after the anger, sadness and agonizing about "why did he/she do this to me? "act this way"? the time comes to move on; to look back on the relationship; to learn from it and begin to get a more clear idea of what you want, and equally important, do not want, in your next relationship - then begin to move on with your life.The point of what I'm saying is that trying to remain friends with an ex, makes it much more difficult TO move on, and to accept that the relationship is something that is now history.Don't feel you let yourself - or US! down. You're human, and we all make mistakes and mess up. Forgive yourself, learn from this, and let it go!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007): You seem to bring up the words control and power a fair bit, and I think that says a lot about you and how you view women.
And since you ask how it looks from our point of view, well, to me you come across as excessively needy and it doesn't surprise me at all that she has now accused you of guilt tripping her.
Your ex's mistake is that she thought she could continue being friends with you; your mistake is that you are misreading your ex and assuming that she is still romantically interested in you when it it ended, finished, over!
Breakups can either be done as quickly and as least painfully as possible, or they can be done heart wrenchingly slow. You seem to want to do it the later way. Why? You are bringing so much unnecessary pain on yourself, which I don't blame you for, but it will only end with your ex hating you and never speaking to you again.
You send a miserably apologetic message on here saying how ashamed you are that you didn't take any one else's advice yet you then post another message asking for more advice!
You haven't let us down. Why would we care if you choose to follow our advice or not? You're an adult and adults are supposed to make mistakes, it's how you learn in life. So enough with the apologies and feeling sorry for yourself. Move on!
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (27 July 2007):
 Hey babe, you don't owe us anything.
We all want advice at some time in our life and whether we act on it or not is totally our own decision.
Ok so you made a mistake you pushed her a little too quickly, but thats what happens when you love someone and with her knowing how you still feel about her i think that was pretty unfair of her to go discribing her birthday dress when she knew full well that you would love to be there with her celebrating too.
If there is really any chance of you two being together again in the future you are really going to have to control yourself because the way i see it you are now back to square one again, ease up on the contact babe and give her some time.
Take care.xx.
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