A
female
age
41-50,
*ntrstina30
writes:Hello, I really need some advice/help fast my as boyfriends mom tells me Im running out of time..JOY! Ok heres what happenned, I live with my boyfriend and his mom for the last 6months. We've had our ups and downs..Im having some stuggles due to finding crap from his past..well I made the mistake of taking it to his sister-in law-thinking I could trust her. I found 2 numbers which I showed her. she took the paper looked at it and said one number looked familiar so she started dialing it and no it wasnt a number she knew. anyways I had confided in her with that cause it was numbers I found in my boyfriends phone -and yes he hasnt acted like we used to,and we dont make love at all..anyway..his sister in law told his mom. well now his mom is mad at me and told me that I need to tell him what I found,and she said its going to hurt him soo bad..Im just like really..its stuff from his past,and I confided in his sister in law thinking maybe I was the one being hurt! She told me to write a letter..Now me and my boyfriend are getting along, he hates drama and fighting and talking about stuff from the past..what do I do? Or write in this letter? Help!
View related questions:
sister in law Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mntrstina30 +, writes (11 June 2012):
mntrstina30 is verified as being by the original poster of the question ok ,we are still together-working on things-I wasnt snooping on this one but ..Im not sure what to do.the other day-he was on his game-like usual-and lately his phone has been on silent...He went upstairs to get something and I noticed on his screen-he was chatting with people..and he told someone my phone will be on quiet=and i hope you have a gn-goodnight.I asked him if anyone flirts with him or anything on there-he said people try but he claims he tells them he's just there to play the game-i feel like i'm being played-he is still always on the game and is always chatting with someone/people-plus his phone is on sillent when he's home....:(
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (6 February 2012):
 mntrstina30 got to tell you, damn girl you is brave and you got balls. That's a good thing in a woman.
I know your housing situation aint good, and you need to spend some time concentrating on that.
I know you wished you didn't ask, but this problem has been bothering you for a long time and it's got to the point that you can't ignore it and it's made you suspicious enough to snoop on him. It won't go away by saying nothing.
You tried and you tried, now you know for sure that there is a problem with sex and your relationship. You need to go and talk to him, because he's rejecting you, pulling away and avoiding sex. He can't deny it any longer, after the last attempt there are no more excuses.
You may not like what he has to say, and it may be the end of the relationship. But all you two got is a whole pile of lies and excuses... that's not a relationship, it's a whole pile of torment. A woman like you deserves more than that.
...............................
A
female
reader, mntrstina30 +, writes (6 February 2012):
mntrstina30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK..I tried and nothing..then in the middle of the night he gets turnned on so I think ok do something..I go to he rolls over and falls asleep!!! Then we got in a huge fight he said that Ive been a problem in his life since the 3rd day I was here..:( I was like Seriously! we were at a stop light and I was sooo hurt and mad I got out and started walking home in 15 degree weather-felt colder then that-and it we had just got hit with a snow storm ..i thought I shouldve just kept my mouth shut and got my ride home..lol..but I was so hurt..he came back for me 25mins later we havent really spoke..he did tell me this morning he loves me..what do I do?
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 February 2012):
*Big Hugs*... sorry babes
I know it's hard, but I want you to try again. The way your trying to attract his attention is good, he'd have to be a blind man not to see that you want to get sexual. One more time, but this time make sure it's earlier enough that he can't he is tired and has to go to bed. Make sure that the next time there is no reason that he can give why he can't make love to you.
If he turns you down again, then don't get angry (I know that's hard) but ask him what the hell his problem is. Maybe he does have a reason he's not telling you, including being unable to get an erection with his mother in the house.
One more time to be sure... but damn, you do sound very sexy to me... maybe his dick doesn't work.
...............................
A
female
reader, mntrstina30 +, writes (3 February 2012):
mntrstina30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so last night before bed -we kiss eack other goodnight-standing up- I thought to myself ok put a move on him..mind you I also was wearing lace panties and a really cute top - we kissed-I started to move my hands around-ya know let them wonder..:) we stopped kissing and he says I gotta go to bed got work tomorrow-So I turnned around bent over getting into bed slowly thinking maybe..alls he did was say mmmm... and I got into bed we said goodnight I love you gave me another quick kiss,I was like REALLY!!!!! WTF!! And Valintines Day is coming up and then on the 20th I have to have back surgery so I know after the 20th Im not getting any for a while-not like Im not used to it-but still I told him I wanna at least get some before hand and especially on Valintines Day..I just dont know what to do,and also when we were eating yesturday -out of no where he's like dont get all touchy feely when we're eating -I looked at him and was like seriously I never get that way first of all and if I do I might just hold his hand or smile at him,I told him I wont touch him every again-S**T that hurt my feelings too...I just dont get it..What do you guys want..I mean really? I dont cheat,I give my heart,and 100+ % to everything in a relationship,and If i mess up Ill tell you-no one is perfect..Im just so sad right now..
...............................
A
female
reader, mntrstina30 +, writes (2 February 2012):
mntrstina30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agreed to take it slow,and we fell in love-there is no reason why we shouldnt be making love??? And I agree the computor should be off at least once or twice a week and have us time-thats alot of my problem and causes me to have insecurities..:( I am Sooo wanting to make love its not even funny!And he knows it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 February 2012):
Ah.. so your problem is he likes playing computer games and you get no sex...
Yep, that's enough to make any woman feel insecure.. but the snooping thing, as everyone has said is just not right.
Can't work out why your not having sex, or why it's a problem, or why you and him agreed not to have a lot of sex.. this is strange for me.
The game playing.. fix it by making one day a week.. no game day, it's the day for you and him to be together and play. Or gaming on weekends only.. whatever amount you decide, there has to be time for the couple with the computer turned off.
...............................
A
female
reader, mntrstina30 +, writes (2 February 2012):
mntrstina30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood morning,
Ive suspected it,not sure, with him not being affectioniate and etc, it just makes me feel insecure,I told him about it and he tells me well Im the one thats gonna ruin us, and I told him Its not a sin to give me a couple hours out of your time and away from his game he plays all the time even when he comes home,he told me you can tell all over my face I want to make love! And how is that bad!!! The things that are awesome about him - he does have a good heart,he helped me get out from where I was,I do see he loves me for me,he makes me smile and laugh even when Im down and crying,I do love his cuddling when it does happen-hes smart,nice looking,works hard,he doesnt even care if I work or not,but I have to find something or ya its gonna drive me crazy...Do I play hard to get as far as making love goes?? what do I do?? And In the beginning we agreed that we were gonna wait till we fell in love to have sex more,etc,well we told each other we love each other,and he talked about marriage a couple times in a year or so,and still no sex,no four play? and still wonder why or what I need to do to get him to look at me again,and fix our problems,in bed I even rub his back at night he falls asleep,even on weekend,hes gonna start traveling for his job soon too,and In the back of my mind I just think..whats going on???
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 February 2012):
 Let me address your most recent update. Thank you for the information…
You say you love him dearly. I get that you love him but can you list for yourself what it is that he does that makes you love him? Because so often we SAY we love someone but with an long list of why we are unhappy as part of that I wonder what good is outweighing the bad.
If he’s cheating then he’s cheating and you should be done. I must be missing the part where he’s cheating. Or do you just suspect him of cheating? If you do, and you have solid reasons then maybe it’s better to end it now?
If the underwear changing just started have you asked him why since it bothers you so much and you clearly suspect the reason is cheating.
If my partner did NOT tell me where he was going when he went out, I’d not be happy either. That’s actually a deal breaker for me.
I am not seeing what is GOOD about this relationship right now. Once we move in with someone however it’s HARD to get out….
...............................
A
female
reader, mntrstina30 +, writes (1 February 2012):
mntrstina30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK one I dont want to create any issues,I love him dearly,and Im sorry cheatings cheating,Ive been in two past relationships and there is no excuse if your not happy get out dont cheat and yes he was well aware of everything he told me , and his family told me, ITS WRONG!And I dont care Ive been abused and everything I still didnt cheat,and I ve been married and my husband cheated on me..I put up with alot of Crap and Im goin through health issues right now..tell me I can respect the fact we live together yada yada some things are going to change yes,but after a month or so thats when the affection dropped,we dont make love,and Im sorry for a woman ya it gets me thinking wtf? The underwear thing just started happenning and Im sorry Im not used to seeing a guy do that 3 months into the relationship, also when a guy tells you when he goes somewhere I dont have to tell you everything? no you dont have to tell me every place your gonna be at but when I ask where are you going dont flip or smart off.. that wouldnt make you think...I talked to him and told him if he wants this like I do and I give 100 + percent then somethings gotta give..I dont want just a fling or some BS relationship..Ya I have my insecurities an Im trying to work on them..but some crap isn't helping..and Im trying here..we both agreed when we got together if we didnt want this we would tell each other and break up..as Far as his past his past is his past it better stay there,cuz Im leaving it alone..Im even done with putting his clothes away for him..he can do it..:)
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 February 2012):
 OP what you want from him is completely understandable, its a human need and all over the world people long and crave for the same things, everlasting love and companionship. Just make sure that you person you want this from is capable of giving you these things.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): it's completely normal and to be expected that once a relationship has gone on longer and certainly if you've started living together that he will not call you nearly as often just to say 'hi' or 'i luv you' and all that! to expect that is to be expecting and demanding what would be abnormal behavior from most people. Is this the basis for you having trust issues with him??
and no technically his past relationship with a married woman was not cheating if he was single. She's the one who cheated, and you don't know what she told him. maybe she told him she was already divorced or getting a divorce. or even if she didn't, it's her choice if she wants to live her life that way, maybe her hb was already cheating on her so their marriage was already broken, who knows. but your bf he didn't cheat if he wasn't attached to anyone else at the time.
and what does him changing his underwear in the morning have anything to do with anything??
It sounds to me like you're just looking for reasons not to trust him, and if you don't find any then you will create them.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 January 2012):
You’re right if it’s only 5 months (and you are already living together) and he’s not touching you then perhaps there is a problem. For sure things settle down after a while and after you move in but I can say that we’ve been living together pretty much full time since July and we don’t have sex as often but we still cuddle and kiss EVERY DAY!
You do love him…. Make a list of what it is about him that you love. Make another list of all the things you want that you are not getting… compare the two… while you may want a lifetime partner with love and affection and trust do you have that with him?
...............................
A
female
reader, mntrstina30 +, writes (31 January 2012):
mntrstina30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo its not about the phone calls ( but it is nice to get an answer after 8 hours) or wheather he changes his underwear after he showers- again in the morning-,etc,Im glad he is a very clean guy,trust me on that,but when you are only 5 1/2 months into a relationship and he barley touches you like he used to and things have changed some-wouldnt you think whats wrong?? and yes I do have some self esteam issues and he knows this he knows about my past,yes we live together but sometimes it seems like Im not even there... I love him I do and I want to fix the situation not hurt it.. I did come clean an told him about what I found,etc..I want a relationship and a lifetime partner,love, affection, trust,etc...
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 January 2012):
Wait wait wait… this is all about the fact that he doesn’t call you as often…. And changes his underwear often??? Wait wait WAIT. He doesn’ t have to call you all the time YOU LIVE TOGETHER….
And as for the underwear… I put clean ones on after a shower and in the mornings.. my man changes his socks twice a day… some people just like clean stuff next to them all the time.
IF he was single and having an affair with a married woman, he used poor judgment but HE was not cheating SHE was. He was not attached at the time and I think that while it’s lousy that he did that and enabled HER to cheat, technically he’s not a cheater… at least that’s my skewed view of it.
If you can’t trust him, do him a favor and leave… seriously… if he’s done nothing to not trust and you are bringing your own baggage to the relationship he can’t win.
...............................
A
female
reader, mntrstina30 +, writes (31 January 2012):
mntrstina30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk here is an update since last night..and this was before I even got to check your guy's answers, I told him what happenned, He's mad..which is to be expected..I also told him that I was sooo sorry and that it wont happen again,he asked me how can I ever trust you?? Well crap I told him I moved here because he asked me to also because of the situation I was in with my own family/also I was homeless,I have been through alot the last 6 yrs in2 abusive relationships and one really good one that he allowed his family to control and I got out of,yes I am 30,he is 36, I moved in on Sept.10th last yrs we ve been together since the 7th,the things Ive seen just Im like ok wtf! I ask him what is happenning to us,why arent you as affectioniate,he claims he is,he tells me he loves me, which Im not saying he doesnt,but,yes I do have some trust issues when you go from you used to call me several times a day to maybe once and the converstaion only last 1.05 mins,you get a shower every night which duh clean underwear,but then in the mornning you change them again??I
call you a couple times during the morning thinking maybe he'll answer-just to say hi i love you/or even text I get no replys and no answers..and when I did snoop and saw those numbers they were other girls-and they were from his past one was right before me-actually I saw a text it was while I was here..I told him about it..he said he would never cheat on me, yet his mom and him said he had a relationship with a married woman for 3 yrs...isnt that cheating..I think it is..I feel better I told him but I am still a little stressed,dont know what to think,do..I told his mom I told him and her and I are back to talking and shes glad..so thats a plus..but do you think he's cheating? or he's hiding something? Or should I just sit back and trust him and see what happens..
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 January 2012):
I agree with Anonymous 123, you must tell him and take your lumps but the bigger question is WHY are you with a man you don’t trust? And why is this family so enmeshed? You are in your 30s I assume your BF is as well WHY ARE YOU BOTH LIVING WITH HIS MOMMY???
To recap:
1. You live with a man who lives with his mommy
2. You can’t deal with his past so you don’t trust him
3. You spied/snooped on his phone
4. You brought his sister in law in on the shenanigans and betrayal
5. He’s not acting like you used to (assuming this means he’s not being affectionate or paying enough attention to you)
6. You are not having sex at all
7. You are AFRAID to talk to him….
I don’t see why you have to WRITE A LETTER if you live in the same home…..
So tell me what’s GOOD about this relationship….
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (31 January 2012):
Tell him before the mom does, because by the sounds of it, she will. Tell him upfront that you made the mistake of checking his phone and told his sister-in-law and she sneaked on you. You are sorry and you would never do something like this again. Be prepared for his reaction, he has a right to be mad at you, and probably will be, fueled by his mommy, of course.
What I dont understand is, if you dont trust him, what are you still doing with him? You obviously still doubt him, you've had to deal with stuff from his past, you're not even confident enough to share this incident with him, because you're thinking this might aggravate things....you know, to be honest, you're just walking on eggshells and hoping things work, while the very foundation is missing. Not a very good place to be in. Why are you still living with him if things are this shaky?
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (31 January 2012):
I think you should talk to your boyfriend, he has a right to know, and you should apologize to him for:
(a) breaking his trust by snooping through his phone
(b) that when you found something that worried you, you went to someone else first instead of to him whom you're having the problem with.
these are both trust-breaking behaviors, and I think it means that not just him, but you also need to develop better ways to behave in this relationship. Especially if you've been having "ups and downs" this kind of behavior is going to contribute to more "downs"...
...............................
A
female
reader, LovelyLemon +, writes (30 January 2012):
 Snooping is never a healthy thing in a relationship. I've been a habitual snooper in the past because of my bf cheating and the trust issues that ensued. It is a strong temptation though.My advice to you is to tell your boyfriend in private, and in person. Don't write a letter. Letters are like writing notes in high school, and you are past this stage. Let him know that you are sorry for invading his personal space, but that you had some insecurities, and that you were wrong for being so invasive.If you found anything that bothered you , you should talk about it. Couples should be open about their social lives, their friends, the phone numbers they have, etc. I'm sure that if you admit that you were at fault, and that you won't do it again, then he will probably understand.For future reference, never involve family in your disputes. They will always have a bias, and are known to hold grudges long after the issue has been resolved.Much love and Best wishes
...............................
A
female
reader, kouimet04  +, writes (30 January 2012):
As much as this isn't any of your mother in laws business, she's right. You need to confront him about this. Snooping through his phone wasn't the right thing to do. This tells me you have some trust issues with your boyfriend. But you need to tell him before anyone else does or he's just going to be more upset with you. Tell him you're sorry you did it, and why you did it. Tell him it won't happen again. Ask him to explain whose phone numbers they belong too. If he gets angry, let him. He has a right to be angry with you. Give him time to calm down, and explain to him that you're having a hard time dealing with the other issues you've found out about. Have a good long talk about it. Hope this helped:)
...............................
|
