A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am currently in the midst of a cold war between an apartment mate/friend and I don’t even know why. Some history: She (S) was my first real friend in college and the person to introduce to me to the group. We decide to become apartment mates. First quarter is dandy getting to know her better and her best friend (a gay guy who I shall call B). The three of us become thick as thieves. Second quarter S and another friend (V) decide to pledge for a frat. Frat monopolizes all their time and so B and me become closer friends. We all enjoy ourselves despite less time together. We’re still on good terms (or so I thought)…and then one day out of the blue B tells me that S has been feeling isolated from us. This confounds me. I immediately try to remedy the situation by talking to her. She doesn’t give me the clearest response but she goes back to her usual self. Third quarter my awful, decade older sister crashes my life and does her best to relive her grand old college days (that she didn’t properly enjoy back in the day). We have a very love/hate relationship. Long story short, S and B are the first non-family to witnesses open anger from my part...and for all appearances, my anger seemed pretty nonsensical but if you have ever had an annoying sibling I’m sure you’ll understand…They treat me a little differently afterwards but things resume B always bounces back very easily. S is harder to crack. I would say my sister changed S’s opinion of me for the worse. Then we finally got around to discussing third year, off campus housing. A dozen of us gathered together to discuss prospective living situations…things do not go smoothly and eventually the group is utterly polarized. We separate in unhappy, tense groups of two, three, or four. In my group there were S, B, and V. Unfortunately, I was the idiot who was overly eager to take responsibility in finding housing for us. I found something, fell in love with it, showed it to the others, they liked it too and we agreed to take it. S didn’t seem particularly impressed with the place but she didn’t say anything and was indecisive about other options. I know we failed when we didn’t encourage her to speak her goddamn repressed mind… So those of us who liked the place took care of all the paperwork...and she chose to protest in sullen sour bouts with me…and a rather surprising show of irresponsibility by not making the first month’s rent on time. (a good thousand dollars but we all paid the same price)…B and I agree to split her portion because she said she was having financial trouble in her family (the irony in this situation is that B and I are scholarship students…and well her family refuse own anything less than a BMW but we are nice, passive idiots) Instead of telling me straight up that she despised the housing situation, S starts acting very aloof with me. One-worded answers, and almost deliberate avoidance. She treats everyone else exactly as she normally would and in groups, things are okay. I initially assume that I’m imagining things but as time passed, I couldn’t bear it. And so this one night S, another friend (H), and I study together in our living room, I leave to take a nap in my room but since the walls are thin, I manage to hear S expressing her extreme discontent to H. I immediately go out and ask her why she didn’t say anything before….she goes utterly silent. I breakdown and ask her what the hell was wrong? I start crying…the other friends nervously intervene and do their best to soothe things…S is very put off and looks even more angry and resentful…but out of guilt (perhaps?)…she starts talking to me again and we resume things very awkwardly. We stay for summer school…and things get better. Fall semester comes around this year and initially things are okay. I admit I’ve never been able to feel quite as comfortable around S as I was last year but I still wanted to be friends. Things are on and off…and now things are really, truly off. V and I are roommates this year and we notice she has a tendency to get very sullen with us. She only talks to B. When S and B interact, it’s like they’re in their own world. B is the kind of person everyone likes and so it’s easy to understand why she adores him particularly…but now, it’s like no one else exists. These past couple of weeks, she’s been 100 percent aloof and sullen with me…every question is met with a one-worded answer. V says S isn’t much better with her either..I came across an entry in S’s diary that she probably didn’t mean for me to see…but I saw it before she officially defriended me….and well she thinks that I hate her. This is astonishing to me since I thought she hated me…and well, maybe she does now. And after what looks like a veritable textbook of background, I’ve come to ask you guys what should I do with the situation? S HATES confrontation (and so do I but I do it when I find it necessary). I’ve tried the slow approach and to try and reassure her otherwise (that I don’t hate her, I just don’t understand her at all)…but she rebuffs my every move. What in the heck should I do? V is going abroad next quarter. B is stoutly neutral on this cold war between S and me. I really miss S as a good friend but these days but I am sick and tired of feeling so incredibly insecure and depressed around her…and I know I shouldn’t let other people’s emotions affect me but they do and it’s worse because I live in the same house with this perpetual case of PMS.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Neeraj060  +, writes (8 December 2008):
 It sure is a long story....What I gathered from all this is that there is a misunderstanding somehere.
What I can recommend is as both of you are good friends with "B" why not ask "B" to help both of you out.Sit down together on a special occasion like this coming Christmas and have a talk how your friendship started,talk about things that you liked about her that wants you to be with them.
Ask "B" to help in case of any situtation,where you think something may go wrong.Remember "B" is the force holding your friendship together.
-hopefully every thing will work out for you.
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