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female
age
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*undial
writes:Dear CupidI have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years, I love him dearly. He stays in my house every night except for every other weekend when he stays in his own house while his two step children from a previous relationship visit. He has told me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but that his intention is not to marry me. He says that he would not be ready to live with me until he is finished his responsibility to his two step children, ie seeing them every other weekend, until they no longer choose to visit. I have two children of my own. I work long hours, I have dinner ready every evening when he arrives, I spend a lot of time helping him with his business ie paperwork etc. I am beginning to question what is in this for me... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Chippy2  +, writes (25 February 2008):
Oh! I just read thru your question and we are in very similar situations! I have a bf of three yrs and he has two very ill behaved and maintained girls ages 10 and 12 - He gets them one nite a week and every other weekend - I have three children the youngest 14 and the other two over 18 - My daughter and his do NOT get along - Mine will have nothing to do with him or his girls - He tells all that he loves me but will never marry again and I do everything for him - but I am unsure too - Seems so obvious when you see someone else ask it - Good luck to you and me - All my friends and family say there is someone out there who will treat me much better - I gotta believe it and I am hoping you do too! I just had another b-day with no celebration - as in just a plain card and the words Happy Birthday - I am not happy like this - but it is so scary to make a change
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male
reader, leonard j. Douglas  +, writes (24 February 2008):
Tell you what I'll do there's this bridge called the Golden Gate, that I own, And I will sell it to you for only one dollar,now we know that is a bunch of bull,don't we? Well love without a commitment isn't love,it's called being sexually used. Now there isn't anything wrong with cosental sex between two people,if it's spelled-out. But lots of men can divorce love from sex or never learn how to love a woman. So much like your Friend,Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for nothing. Move on unless you like the arraignments that you now have within your relationship.
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A
male
reader, leonard j. Douglas +, writes (24 February 2008):
Tell you what I'll do there's this bridge called the Golden Gate, that I own, And I will sell it to you for only one dollar,now we know that is a bunch of bull,don't we? Well love without a commitment isn't love,it's called being sexually used. Now there isn't anything wrong with cosental sex between two people,if it's spelled-out. But lots of men can divorce love from sex or never learn how to love a woman. So much like your Friend,Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for nothing. Move on unless you like the arraignments that you now have within your relationship.
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 I can relate to that too.
My recent ex always had 'hassle' going on. Maybe i have had an easy life, but it was so stressful. His ex at first, hassle from her, not his fault he stated, then money, him borrowing from me, a few thousand, then him being let down by someone that was suppose to give him the money to pay me back, once again not his fault. As my mum said, the trouble with him is, his life is always goig to be complicated and its even worse because he doesnt accept responsibility for anything. Numerous other things like him not working because hes self employed and having a quiet time. Blah blah blah...
Too many to list.
I couldnt live like it anymore. Drove me round the twist.
Maybe i'm looking for the holy grail!
Hope things work out.
C xxxxxx
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female
reader, Sundial +, writes (18 February 2008):
Sundial is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear hlskitten,
Yes he is a very nice guy, I love him so dearly. But I have to admit that he brings a lot of stuff on me, a lot of his stuff which sometimes I am not equipped to handle.
God knows what the future will bring, I do wish & hope that you meet a lovely man.
xoxoxoxo
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (18 February 2008):
He sounds nice in the way that he still wants contact with them even if they are not his. I would of liked my ex to do that, even though my arent his, literally because my daughter adored his daughter and they got on so well. They are the same age. She really misses her and always will. Unfortunately because i didnt want him, he would never of gone for that. I guess proving that my 2 didnt mean as much to him as he always put across.
It would be good if in the future you meet someone that all the kids get on. Thats what i am hoping, life isnt always ideal though ey.
C xxxxx
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female
reader, Sundial +, writes (18 February 2008):
Sundial is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn answer to hlskitten,The reason why I dont have anything got to do with his step children anymore is.I tried for the first year, had them over, indcluded them with my children, but after them stealing personal objects, breaking musical instruments, being totally distruptive, name calling etc, I had to make a consious decision that I could bring them into my life. My boyfriend knows and accepts this and does not blame me for my decision. Its only because that he married their mother that he feel obliged to the children (they were only together for a very brief period)I realise its very admirable of him to feel this responsibility, and especially that they have moved home and lived with 4 different boyfriends of their mothers in the past two years.
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reader, hlskitten +, writes (18 February 2008):
How can you have anything long term then if you dont have anything to do with his kids. I would find that insulting. I wouldnt find him not wanting to marry an insult, but then i was with someone for 9 yrs and we both didnt want to get married but loved each other loads. But that was just my situation.
Its horrible to split from someone you love, i have done it, takes a while to get your bearings again i can tell you. But you do eventually.
I hope it all works out ok for you. Its a tough road to go down.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, Sundial +, writes (17 February 2008):
Sundial is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers I really appreciate your perspectives and feedback.
In answer to hlskitten, the reason why he does not bring his step children around is because they are sukly, rude & badly behaved and he does not correct them as when he does their mother his exwife complains not to correct her children, however he feels responsible for them. Infact he does not bring them around to anybodys home. Anyway thats his story & Yes I do have to make my choice here.
In answer to Tisha-1, thanks for the book recommendation & for the suggestion of asking what I want, am I happy with his response, and the answer is no I am not happy with this situation, but it is exactly the way he wants things. I am also not happy with any man who would tell me that he had no intention of marrying me, but wanted to spend the rest of their life with me, even though I have not got any aspirations for marriage myself, I would never tell anyone I loved that I wouldnt marry them ever, I find this quite an insult really.
In answer to Laura1318, my boyfriend says that, the step children will grow up someday, and he wont have the responsibility of them anymore...
The mens perspective, Move on......This is what I am preparing myself for, of course this will not be an easy task, as I am very much in love with this man, but their is way too many issues that I cannot afford to take on as my own and imbalances in the relationship.
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reader, hlskitten +, writes (17 February 2008):
Doesnt sound like a lot in it for you. How come he doesnt bring his children to yours then? Couldnt it of been nice if all your kids got on?
At the end of the day, you have got choices, and if he's honest about what he wants and you are honest about what you want, and you cant live with the choices you have both made, then you need to move on.
Its quite black n white from the sounds of it in this case.
Good luck.
C xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 February 2008):
 Okay, I'm doing a little reality check here. He doesn't live with you but stays with you every night minus every other weekend. That would be, um, mad scribbling having to do with math 87% of his nights. That seems to be me to be a live in situation. But yet, he doesn't think he's living with you? "He says that he would not be ready to live with me until he is finished his responsibility to his two step children."
You also said that "he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but that his intention is not to marry me." That is very honest. Is that what you want from him?
If you're happy with the current situation and the future he's laid out, then there's not a problem.
But since you're here and asking, I think you're not happy with the situation.
What do you want for your future? You have your children to worry about too.
This is getting to be a bit of a broken record for me....
A Fine Romance
Judith Sills
published I think 1988
available on line bookstores
I'm not in any way related to her or get any financial consideration from this recommendation.
What do YOU want? You have to figure that out and ask for it. If it's something he can't provide, then maybe it's time to move on....
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 February 2008):
 His step children will grow up and leave some day .When it will be I don't know and whether you have the patience to wait for him or not?
Right now , you have that much of him except the weekends.You may want to have every part of him to yourself but he cannot do that because of this assumed responsibility.
Are you willing to carry on this way ? Do you have an alternative?
It may not be satisfactory to you but do you have a choice?
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male
reader, leonard j. Douglas +, writes (17 February 2008):
I"m think that what you ended with," What's in it for me"? pretty well sums up your awareness that there is not much in that relationship for you, but you just haven't decided as of yet,to cut-and- run. Please move on with your life,as you don't have one with him,sad to say.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): Move on sweetie! I know that you may feel that at your age you may not find another man, but don't settle for this type of treatment. You'll find someone just for you. I would move on from this guy. Best of luck to you.
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