A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I'm feeling really down on myself at the moment. I'm generally a very bubbly, nice person. My friends all tell me how kind I am and I just like to smile and be happy. However recently I've been the total opposite, mainly down to feeling heartbroken over this guy.. kind of like an unrequited love situation. I would say I'm an attractive girl, but the way I see this guy.. he is also beautiful. I've liked this guy for about a year now but recently it's been getting me down. He's flirted with me a few times last year, then drunkenly kissed me on a night out after chasing me all night and acting crazy about me... then the next day he acted like nothing had happened. We continued talking as acquaintances and never spoken of it, then on another night out, I kissed him back and told him I thought he was cute.. but he knows I was drunk. Again, we didn't speak of it the next day and acted normal. I told my friend, only because I really needed someone to talk to, and she told someone else... there's a possibility he knows I told someone about it, although he's a very laid back person and hasn't said anything. He hasn't been flirty at all, but there's been times I've thought he has given me mixed signals (sometimes on nights out he acts a bit flirty and asks who I have a crush on, but he also just acts normal a lot.) He just acts like a friendly acquaintance with me, but has been nice to me and helpful to me. I built up the courage to follow him on Instagram and he followed back, then I noticed he always watched the stories that I posted. Well recently, we went on another night out with friends. For some reason he didnt even say hello or speak all night to me. I was quite busy laughing with friends all night (some of them are guy friends) and I just thought, well if he isnt going to say hello then I wont either. I wish I had now, as it was strange us standing around the table but not even acknowledging each other, I dont know why it happened .. I was quite drunk and just having fun all night, he seemed quiet but he did speak to everyone else except me. Anyway since then, I've posted 2 stories and he hasn't viewed either of them, which is the first time he hasn't viewed my stories. I'm not sure what I've done, but I just feel like he's acting distant. I've been making myself ill worrying whether he thinks I'm a massive flirt (because of how I act with my guys friends,I like to laugh a lot) and if I've ruined my chances... if indeed I ever had any. I feel like I made it quite obvious I liked him so part of the reason I kept my distance is a didn't want to be creepy or all over him, but I wish I could have just acted normal. He just makes me so nervous. At the same time, I sometimes ignore him or end a conversation quickly when we see one another... I only do this because I'm so nervous, because i like him so much and dont want to make it obvious or be creepy, so I definitely avoid him at times. We dont see each other often or talk outside of our friendship group, and I dont want to make things awkward. I haven't told anyone that I actually like him. Should I send him a message online? Is there anything I could say to 'test the waters?' Please be kind in your response, I know it's silly but I've barely slept all weekend in heartbreak over the situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2020): The only way I can convey my advice is very matter-of-factually.
Stop acting like a love-struck teenager!
The only time either of you make any sort of contact is when you're drunk. It's meaningless; because bravery fueled with alcohol borders on foolish and risky. You're not yourself, your inhibitions are down, and your judgement is impaired. You'll most likely end-up having sex, and nothing meaningful will ever come of it.
I just don't know what to say about this game you're playing with not speaking and ignoring each other. It's immature and kind of silly for two people your ages.
"Unrequited-love" is a soapy/romance novel type of foolishness where people hide their true-feelings; wanting and longing for somebody, while the other party is either oblivious...or not the least interested! It amounts to nonsense!
If nobody makes a move, whats the point???
I gather he wouldn't mind a roll in the hay, but he doesn't want to you to grow feelings; because he doesn't want a relationship with you. You're so afraid of his rejection; you'll dither-around with this guy, drunk-kissing and ignoring each other every fortnight. You can't find a fruitful and fulfilling relationship due to a childish-infatuation for him. It's time you snap-out-of-it!!!
You're too old for crushes. Either you genuinely like each other, or you're just building up sexual-tension; until you have meaningless-sex (while drunk), and then awkwardness sets-in!
I suggest you should ask him why he won't ask you out on a date? Be mature and woman enough to deal with an honest answer. Maybe it will break the ice, and settle this matter once and for all.
Either he is romantically-attracted to you, or just wants to have sex with you?
No more drunk-kissing!
I recommend you don't have sex with him while either of you are intoxicated. You have feelings, and you'll get hurt if he doesn't reciprocate those feelings. AWKWARD!!!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 March 2020):
 Don't "test the waters" - obviously he doesn't take hints or clues... as to whether you are interested or not.
I have to agree that asking him out might be a option. Because if he says no, thanks - well then you know the guy isn't interested and just kissed on you for entertainment and it might help you to NOT do that again, and look elsewhere for a partner.
However, you might also considering to NOT ship where you eat. (or, to put it in a more gentle manner, DON'T try and date within your friends group as it can cause a lot of awkwardness if things don't work out, not just for you and him, but for EVERYONE).
Being a "massive flirt" can be perceived as a she isn't serious about anything or anyone or.. she lacks morals. It's all in the eyes of the beholder, isn't it? But I don't think it has ruined ANY chance you had, IF you indeed had one with this guy. You didn't SNOG any of your other male friends right in front of him, I presume? You just had some laughs, banter and teasing? Correct? Which I will ALSO presume you did before you got kissed by this guy. So you being friendly and a bit flirty in social settings doesn't signal anything concrete, other than perhaps that you like attention from guys.
Do you think someone who is BOLD enough to KISS you on a night out isn't BOLD enough to ask you out? My guess is no. He might enjoy your company and lips ... (occasionally) but not enough to just simple ASK you out. And since you willingly participated in these "kiss-capades" but don't seem to really want to talk to him and get to know him, he might presume that you are also totally OK with just kissing here and there. See where I'm getting at?
But if you do ask him out for coffee or something minor - not a date-date, you can gauge his interest and not feel bad to still be in the same group of friends, if he tells you no, thanks.
So it really comes down to WHAT do you think has kept him from actually asking you out or trying to get to know you outside of your lips?
Think about it and go from there.
And if someone who was/is interested in you.. were to approach YOU HOW would you like it to happen?
And lastly, remember this, you can't change the past. So having regrets you ignored him when he ignored you... it's pointless. If you don't WANT to ignore him, then don't. Get over the teenage games of does he like me? How can I test that? Would making him jealous? etc....
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (2 March 2020):
 You know it's silly so STOP. You 2 are behaving so immaturely and you're almost 30. Send him a message, apologise for your childish behavior and ask him out on a date. His answer should tell you how he really feels.
It would put you out of your misery. All these games people play with each other because they are afraid of rejection is exhausting I'm sure.
There is peace of mind by being direct.
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