| A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hello, I've been in 4 relationships, and every time I get cheated on. And I'm getting so sick of it and I'm almost done with relationships. I would always give my all and give them second chances but they end up doing the same mistake. I feel that I'm just not good enough or I'm not doing great in relationships and that's why they are looking for other women. But at the same time, I feel that they should just break up and tell me that I'm not satisfying them enough instead of putting me through a heartbreak when I find out that they are cheating. My question is, is it someone's fault if their partner is cheating on them? Is it like an excuse to break up? Why can't people just say that they no longer want a relationship instead of cheating? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2020): Now allow me to slip into father-mode; and I will advise you like a good-dad would!
Nowadays many young-people are meeting over the internet, or through popular dating-sites. Too many choices grouped together is an added risk-factor, that increases your chances you'll meet someone who cheats. The easy accessibility to a large pool of people, and the added enticement of variety. Other factors like poor-choices, or an affinity towards a "type;" increases the odds of meeting players and cheaters.
Bear this in-mind, sweetheart. You're dealing with human-behavior and human-nature; which is unpredictable, often illogical, and modern-society allows for less adhesion to manners, rules, trustworthiness, and principles. Western-society is very loose. They want to call behaving wildly and badly..."freedom!" Freedom comes with responsibility, and the expectation of self-control (aka self-imposed restraint.) Ideally, this restraint is based on decency; and a consideration for the rights and feelings of others. It doesn't mean "do as you choose" or "anything goes!" There is a widespread misconception in that area! "If it feels good do it" best describes the common approach to just about everything in our latest generation. Immediate-gratification is everybody's objective!
People live on social media, and porn is considered acceptable entertainment; which keeps a lot of focus on sexuality, and seeking pleasure. These aren't excuses I'm mentioning; these are contributing-factors that corrode our ability to maintain monogamy and commitment.
You also have to face a bit of reality, use logic, and employ your common-sense. Starry-eyed notions of Hollywood love and fairy-tale romance doesn't exist. Good relationships based on reality do exist!
You're in your early 20's. People are fresh out of high school, and still in college. Guys meet girls, and everybody is experimenting, full of raging-hormones, and the main objective is having fun. You haven't quite settled into the seriousness of committed monogamous-relationships; because so many people don't really know what love is, or have very unhealthy notions about it. You have to learn as you go; and even experience pain and loss to learn how to avoid it! You develop survival-skills, or you'll end-up weak, whiny, and cynical. You have to be resilient, and not be so easily defeated!
Too much access to the internet, and addiction to social media; promotes a strong sense of selfishness and entitlement. TV reality shows and the entertainment-industry have such a strong influence on us, that people don't exercise impulse-control, or use filters when interacting with others. It's acceptable to behave like children in a candy store; when you have access to sexual-opportunity.
Lets be fair! Females are just as guilty as males; but tend to be more discrete to avoid judgement. Guys act like male-whores, because male sexual-prowess is considered a rite of passage. Females who are still virgins out of high school, get a relentless going-over from peer-pressure! You can almost presume they get more persecution from other females than from guys! That creates the pandemic of promiscuity that makes it very difficult for couples to stay true to each other. Being very young also has it's pitfalls. Having poor-judgment, and being inexperienced; especially when there is a shortage of positive role-models, and so many people come from dysfunctional-families.
You have to be patient. You have to weed-out a lot of losers; and dodge a lot bullets in the dating-world.
You have to be ready to drop a guy when you see too many red-flags; and not be so quick to fall head-over-heels, before you really know whom you're dealing with. You have to use discernment, and not blame yourself when you find yourself dealing with an assh@le. It's normal to go through a string of misses before you hit the target. You're young! That's how you learn, my dear. Sometimes we hit the jackpot right off the bat; and sometimes we can't seem to stop tripping over a long-line of "freaking tools," before we meet somebody decent and caring. You need the experience to strengthen you; and to teach you how to deal with personality-types. Therefore, you'll make better choices and decisions.
Don't fall so quick and deep for guys; and you'll maintain some objectivity. You won't overlook obvious-warnings and glaring-clues; when you've got a mouth-breathing cheater on your hands.
You don't try to change anybody with love. You put-on a cute pair of boots, and kick his cheating-ass to the curb! You shake your hair, brush-off your shoulders, and you move on. You don't get all pissed-off and pout about how rotten guys are; when the reality is, there is a matching rotten-female to match with each and every one of them! Walk a wide-circle around them, and be visible for the right-guy to see you! Swipe-left, and go about your business!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (2 March 2020):
 Cheating is not a "mistake". Nobody accidentally cheats. Cheating is a CHOICE.
I think you need to look closely at the men you choose to date. If your last four relationships have ended due to the men cheating, the fault IS with you but not in the sense of not being "good enough" but rather that you are being drawn to the wrong men.
You are young yet. To state you are done with relationships because you have had a run of cheaters is a bit melodramatic. Dating is all about finding the right person for you. You found four which were wrong for you and discarded them. Now you need to move on.
Taking a bit of time out probably would be a good idea but you will bounce back. Use your time alone to try to work out what it was that these men all had in common which drew you to them. Then vow to look out for those characteristics in future boyfriends and to steer clear. And no more "second chances". You wouldn't read a book for a second time and hope for a different ending so why do it with relationships?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 March 2020):
 I think the fault you might have... is that 1. you pick the "wrong" kind of guys and with that I mean if you HAVE to give them "second chances" it's likely they WILL screw up again.
You can't MAKE a guy cheat on you, just like you can't MAKE a guy be faithful. You can't "fix" a "bad boy" just by being a great GF and loving him.
I think you will find, if you look back at these 4 guys that they share a LOT in common, something that YOU found attractive about their behavior. So instead of BLAMING yourself for their actions... set some STANDARDS for what you will allow in a relationship. "Letting" a partner get away with shit doesn't make you a good GF. But neither does HAVING a BF who is looking to "behave" badly while in a relationship.
Get yourself on YouTube, Look up Matthew Hussey. Listen and watch. I bet you can find many of his videos eye opening.
In short though, no it's not your fault that they CHOOSE to cheat. It is however YOUR fault if you know they are not treating you right and you still date them. If that makes sense.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2020): It’s not your fault that your partner cheated. Even if there are problems in a relationship, these issues should be raised and addressed by the couple without the need for cheating by either partner. That’s how mature responsible partners act. So no, in that sense it’s not your fault. But, you ARE responsible for setting your standards, being clear on what you are ok and not ok with, and who you allow into your life. You say this has happened four times. At this point I would take a step back and see what pattern you are engaging in: what type of man are you accepting into your life, what type of man are you attracting? Also look at whether you are accepting of their faults rather than being clear about relationship no-nos. The fact that you’ve continuously given second chances tells me that you don’t think highly of yourself enough, that you don’t think you’re worthy of a kind loyal man, and these past boyfriends sensed it and took advantage. The fact you give your all is great —but NOT great when your partner does not even try to do the same for you. There’s a difference between giving healthy love and being a doormat. Don’t be a doormat. So again, don’t blame yourself for being cheated on necessarily, that’ll only damage your self esteem more. But take control of who you let into your life and what you let them get away with. Set boundaries, be clear and strong, and don’t put up with bad behavior. If you can do that right from the beginning of the relationship, you can cut the bad guys out from the beginning, and there are some guys who won’t stick around because they don’t want to bother. Either way, you’re weeding them out. It’s not foolproof, but the point is you can do your part to protect yourself and put yourself in a healthy loving respectful relationship(this is what you have control over). The rest of it is your partner’s responsibility in being a good partner to you.
...............................
|
