A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 6 years. My husband goes out every night. He takes care of home and me, and believes that this is his sole responsibility as a husband and what is most important. I work and have recently started my own party planning business. In the beginning we did everything together now we rarely do anything together unless it is some party or event of his choice. We seem to no longer have any common interests. He goes to many after hour clubs and comes in at 5 sometimes 6 in the morning, I have begged him to stop, to go to counseling, to stay home with me, I have cried many nights and spent many lonely holidays alone. He invites me to come, "follow behind him if I want" but its not my thing to do that. I had a surgery about a year ago to currect a problem that would enable me to possibly have children, as a result, I have been reduced to only having children through IVF. Initially we were seeing a doctor to go through with the procedure, but now, it seems my husband has lost interest. He was against it from the beginning, he said it wasnt natural, but it was my only chance. Now that I am approaching my 40s my chances are diminishing. In bed one night he even told me he planned to have a child and bring it home for me to raise, at the time I thought this was some kind of joke, but now???? It appears that he blames me for my sterility and has said things like "There is nothing wrong with me" " I can have 50 children", "Its not my fault", "I didn't do it to you". These words cut through me when I hear them and the pain is inconceivable. I dont have many friends, and many times he tells me thats not his fault either. He sometimes just gives me money to do things on my own, or find a friend to go with me he says. My best friend is a 75 year old woman, who I play bingo with. Well I met someone else, a younger man. He and I connected. We are able to talk about everything. He listens and understands me and my pain. His only downfall is his financial status is not stable, financially he is cannot provide the same stability as my husband does. Now please dont label me, because I have gone through a great deal with my husband and for him to put him where he is today, and frankly find it quite difficult to just walk away from . However I find myself falling in love with this younger man and he with me. He tries to be understanding of my marriage and respectful, but its getting harder for both of us. I constantly battle with my infedility and what should I do. Recently my friend got an apartment and I have keys, but I am afraid I am going to lose him if I dont make a decision. My husband hasnt stopped going out, but has taken interest in what I am doing with my free time now. I have not been attracted to my husband physically, or sexually for quite some time, and this did not seem to bother him. He sometimes comes home in the wee hours of the morning, badgering me for "Service" as he puts it. He says its my duty to "service" him. This is not normal is it? It seems so cruel to say that to your wife. However in some weird way I still care for him and he for me. He recently did admit he had sex with someone else, but blames me for lack of sex in our relationship. I dont know if this was a test to see how I would feel, or if he was being honest. If I go with the other man and leave my husband, I will be starting all over again and am unsure of what the future will bring... If i stay with my husband, well I have a future to look forward to, much like the past 4 years. As long as I cook, clean, wash and service him, he will continue to take care of home. What would you do????
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDanielpew, I was living with my husband for the past six years, only for the past year and 3 months has that changed, and only recently did I decide to tell my story on dear cupid. It has been an issue that has tormented me for this long, and I wanted to share and get some insight.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 July 2010):
 Well, I must say that initially I thought you were living with your husband.
Because of this:
I have been married for 6 years. My husband goes out every night. He takes care of home and me, and believes that this is his sole responsibility as a husband and what is most important.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, for my last female anonymous reader, I have been living with my "fling" for the past year and 3mths. So I am sorry to say that my relationship "is" very comparible to marriage, just without the paperwork. It hasnt been easy either. I was and have been very careful to put both sides of this story on here, because I wanted to get HONEST answers and hopefully truth shed on this subject. Otherwise I would be wasting my time and my readers time. My "fling" as you call him has been there through my surgeries, my let downs, my depression, money issues, job issues, marital issues, and many other issues, that an average "fling" would have just walked away from. So please pardon me for saying, that I dont think you have the full picture. Not for lack of my explaining, but your understanding of it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): we are only getting one side so all aunts needs to be very careful in giving what a poster want to hear some times. from the post it does not seem to be any big problem other than he is not giving enough time at home and it is all family issues that many couple faces like infertility ( a complex topic to deal among couples neither wife not husband )
among the heated fights when happen, we all aunt knows what we say and what he say and both. We all know one person only remembers what other party said but always forgets to tell what she said before and what she said after. So i generally do not give much to that mentioned in this post.
i will be very blunt, in any fling where no life time plan is there, no money management is there, child expectations and raising is there, it is just not comparable to marriage.
so saying that my FLING treats me like that and he does not ask me to have a baby and he does not worry about money etc etc does not make any sense. Obviously once in to marriage the same very questions will always come and with any other man as well. my advice is that you ask your conscience on what you are doing and you will get the answer.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 July 2010):
 Oh, now I understand more. He can't pay for gas and other utility bills but he can pay for a hooker?
Your title should sound more like happy, estranged wife in a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): You are right, you do not know what you have till it is gone. I think he is trying to manipulate you and make yuo feel bad. Well it is too late. Let himm pay someongefor sex. Keep gooing you are doing great!! I wish so bad that i had someone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to add this to my issue. Throughout all this, my husband still calls every single day. Sometimes at odd hours of the night. For the past year, I made up a story that my job transferred me to another State to work. I said this because I just needed to get away from him and find myself and to see if my new love was capable of making me happy, or was he just in it for the challenge of making me leave my husband. Well as it turns out, he is still here with me, and my husband calls everyday. He sounds soo sad and is always telling me how horny he is and saying things like he may have to pay someone to "pleasure him". He also reminds me constantly of bills that need to be paid, the cable getting cut off, and how bad he is doing now financially. We had a joint savings of which I gave him half of already, now he is asking for more because he needs to get some business going in order to get himself back on track. He used to give me money to put in, but stopped a long time ago. He called last night sad because he says he has not hot water the gas was turned off and the DVD player is not working, and the cable is off. These are the things I used to pay when I was home. I feel sort of bad because he take care of things when I was with him. Like he would have my car serviced regularly, buy me things, send me on trips, help with bills for me and my parents or family. Is this a trick to play on my emotions or does he miss me now? Like they say you never miss the water till the well runs dry.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): I would dump the controlling husband for the nicer , younger , guy. Your husband sounds like a jerk. All the money in the world will not make you happy. You are capable of making money as well. You are lucky you found someone so fast. Best of luck
One more thing, you do have the option of ivf, maybe it will happen naturally. I would do everyting in your power to have a baby. It is the best part of life for a women.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (15 July 2010):
Good luck, from the bottom of my heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thanks for all the responses, just to give an update. This has been going on for a year now, and this is where I am today..
I am still with the younger guy. He is waiting for me, and helping me through this ordeal. He puts no pressure on me although at times he admits its hard. He wants to marry me and try and have kids anyway we need to. He is soo supportive. I am taking things day by day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thanks for all the responses, just to give an update. This has been going on for a year now, and this is where I am today..
I am still with the younger guy. He is waiting for me, and helping me through this ordeal. He puts no pressure on me although at times he admits its hard. He wants to marry me and try and have kids anyway we need to. He is soo supportive. I am taking things day by day.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (14 July 2010):
I would leave once the party business is up and running smoothly. What he said to you was like he's rejecting you as a woman. I wouldn't give up on the idea of having children. Halle Berry has diabetes and she didn't wait to have a perfect husband to have a baby. Really right now I would just focus on being financially independent, and also on healing. Your husband thinks he's superior than you. He's not putting effort into making this relationship healthy. He needs to feel good putting you down. No wonder why you eggs are rejecting him. Have you thought that he's actually the one making you sick? To know more about what I am talking about read books on energy and the exchange of energy in a relationship. I wouldn't continue the relationship with the young man, or other men until I got a divorce. If your husband knows about it it would be really ugly.
I know it's every woman's dream to have a baby.
From his perspective, even though he sounded hurtful on the outside, he's probably concerned about you having high risk pregnancy with complications such as increased risk for down syndrome and placenta problems.
But overall he sounds like an asshole to me.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (14 July 2010):
 The younger man is exciting, I'm sure. But younger guys will almost never stay with older women. The odds are pretty bad of that working out, and then you'll just be single again. The dating scene is brutal in your forties.
You also need to try and make some friends, maybe through the party business.
As for your husband, it seems that he has either lost interest in you or has a sense of humor that's even worse than mine. Make it clear that his behavior is unacceptable. If he can't see that it's hurting you and that he should stop, you should leave him.
Regarding infertility, you may have to look into adoption. IVF is a possibility, but risky for your health and that of the child. Read up on both subjects, and decide which works best for you - if either of them does.
Good luck.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (14 July 2010):
Tough question.
I would leave, not necessarily with the young woman (I changed this to "woman", though your question is about a man, because I'm straight, damn it, and I like women). It doesn't seem a good idea to stay married. It might be er... sort of OK for some time, but I can only see it get worse.
Young men rarely have the same purchasing power.
And, dear poster, you need love and that is why Mr. Young came into the picture. No one is blaming you. Or at least I am not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): I would leave him. Money doesnt matter and although not having enough can be hard or stressful, money is not worth happiness. And it clearly can not pay for it either. I would tell my husband what has been going on. How I feel about his disrespect, and I would tell him about the other guy and then see what he says. If he does not want to stay together then I think that is his loss and you would be better off without him. But if he is willing to take the time and effort to fix things then you should try to save your marriage. But you cannot do it alone, and if your husband is not willing to help then it is not going to happen.
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