A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been unhappily married for several years and find I am unable to break free from the relationship due to kids and finance. However, not long after I got married, I met a man I fell for but didn't act on it because I was already married.Over the years I have met the guy once or twice by accident and every time I see him I fall for him again. My marriage is on the verge of falling apart and I have contacted the other guy. We have communicated online a few times, but now he has moved I don't have anyway to get in touch with him again. He said he would contact me once he is settled, but I scared he wont be in touch again. I know I have to have patience but after all he is not my husband.I am torn and not sure what to do or how this other guy feels about me.HELP!! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Garfield2254 +, writes (25 September 2007):
Hi , Unfortunatly you can only wait and hope he does contact you again, did he give you no idea where he was going to move to. Do you still frequent the same places as the last times you met.
I know hope is eternal and all others will say leave now do the right thing but your heart says otherwise.
I know when you really look hard for someone else it never happens, it usually finds you when you least expect it, love floats by on a warm breeze, it's just catching the breeze at just the right time.
I do hope your dream comes to you.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (8 September 2007):
 Then end it with your husband. It's you who is shopping around. Don't make that a cause of separation, get separated before it becomes an issue. First be honest with yourself, then be honest with those you have the potential of hurting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007): I completely understand. I too am married and in love with someone else. We've been in love for 18 years and have never done anything about it. Finally, the other night, we talked about it. For the first time. I know he is my soul mate - but I'm married with children. I love my husband, but am not IN LOVE with him.
What to do????
Torn
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A
female
reader, jomo +, writes (3 September 2007):
You're in a really crummy situation. I was sort of in a similar situation when I was your age. Here's what I learned that I would offer for your consideration:
1. If your marriage is that unhappy (and I detect from your writing that it is probably not fixable),and you're this tempted now, trust me, it's only a matter of time before you cheat. And once that happens, things only get worse. So my advice to you is to do the right and brave and decent thing, and end your marriage now. The finances will work out. Everybody uses finances as an excuse to stay in a marriage but I find it's generally BS because I've never heard anybody say "okay, our finances are in order, now I'm getting a divorce." I think it's a copout 99% of the time. The point is, things aren't gonna get better, so stiffen your backbone and leave the marriage.
2. Um, this point is well covered in like every book, article and magazine about one million times, but I can add from experience: it's a bad idea to get involved with someone right out of the gate of a divorce. Often the reason these "exit" people look so perfect to us is that we're looking hard for a justification to end the marriage and the promise of security. Well, think about this: if you leave your husband, and then things don't materialize with the new man, how will you feel then? Oh, by the way, that happened to me. It's not a good feeling. Because I realized how much the new man had colored my thinking about getting a divorce. I'm now glad I did, but I behaved in ways that I am still ashamed of, and suffered financially as well. It may sound lonely, but please consider taking at least 6 months after you move out before getting involved with another person.
3. It sounds to me like the new man is not a sure thing. And I would ask myself what kind of man is cool with flirting with a married woman and also wants to get involved with her right away, anyway.
4. To summarize: I feel for you. It's a hellish situation. But try to behave in a way that you won't regret down the road -- that means comport yourself with dignity and self-respect. That always attracts the best sorts of people to you anyway. I would STRONGLY advise seeing a therapist for some short term therapy as well. Things get confusing in this kind of mess and trust me, a therapist can help a lot.
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007): I think that as the other guy says he will contact you when he is settled (instead of giving you a mobile number) then I think he is worried about you being married and cannot see the relationship going anywhere - and is therefore creating distance between you. I'm sure you will hear from him again, but perhaps by the time you do, you will have had a change of heart about him, so this break is a good thing. When you are in an unhappy relationship, it is easy to develop strong feelings for someone based on very little substance. I know because I speak from experience. So you might find that you are more infatuated with the idea of being with him, and not in your present unhappy relationship. I would put him on the backburner for a while, I know you will still think of him alot but you should really be thinking of your own situation and what you can do to make things better. Imagine if you had never met this other man - would you still want to leave your husband? If the answer is yes, then you know what you need to do. You deserve happiness - we only get one life. I'm sure you could work out a way to leave your marriage? Although of course I don't know your financial situation and this has a large bearing on whether you stay or go. I think that you should try to think of a way to leave your marriage, if this is truly what you want and need, because you are a young woman, in your thirties, and meeting another man is really not as difficult as all these Bridget Jones films make out! Children really do adjust and can thrive in a separation when both parents are not together but happy, rather than together and unhappy. Best of luck X
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