A
female
age
36-40,
*leeding_soul
writes:I have been married for 4 year with a beautiful son. I have found out my husband was having a affair with his ex friend's girlfriend and that he was using again. So christmas eve of 2010 he had broke up with me and for the past year we had argued about how he thought he had rights to have our child 50%of the time while he was with this little girl and in a bad environment and calling telling how he missed me and needed me. So while he was "trying" to fix his family he had told me the little girl was pregnant on february 28 2011 his other child is born and my husband has been clean since october 3 2011 and we are going to counselling. I dont know if i can care for the child as my own, for he will be a constant reminder of the past. So i have found out that she had this baby to trap him in being with her, but he had told her he had no attraction to her it was all the using. So does that give her the right to give me an attitude? So do i keep on trying to fix our marriage or should i just call it a lost cause?
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affair, broke up, christmas, his ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 February 2012):
 Only YOU can decide if you want to give him another chance… Counseling can help you make that decision. Meanwhile while you are working on it I would suggest no dating for you.
A
female
reader, bleeding_soul +, writes (1 February 2012):
bleeding_soul is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK hers is a update of my wonderful situation. I had left him on good terms for our child sake I'm back in my hometown where I have alot of guy friends and when I have time we video chat for our to see his father when he is with me. But now the tables have turn he is calling all day wondering I am doing,if I'm seeing anyone. Telling me when I left so did his heart. And when we do face time I see that he is wearing our engagement rings. Telling me he hopes one day I can forgive him for cheating on me than breaking up on me on Xmas eve. Than fathered a other child. I just need to find myself and get counseling for myself so I can forgive but I feel like if I do forgive him for what he has done what if I can forgive him for having a other child. I'm so lost I don't know what to do. After I fix myself should i give him the chance to fix our family. Or just leave it be. HELP
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): I would walk away, like a previous poster said it is your child that is being exposed to this hazardous environment and your child must come first here. I think you need time away from him to build up your esteem and remind yourself that you were a complete person before you met him, and that you still are. personally I could never forgive him for getting someone else pregnant
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A
female
reader, malletchick76 +, writes (9 January 2012):
 well im not sure what he is using, but they say that a person has to go to rehab 7 times before they can truly be "clean".
if this does turn out to be ugly and over, bring up his drug/alcoholic using in court so that your child doesn't have to be around that potentially dangerous environment.
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A
female
reader, bleeding_soul +, writes (9 January 2012):
bleeding_soul is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has shown that he wants to really make his family work he had recently told his family that i was the one he wants to be with and if they dont like than he has nothing to say to them and that they need to show me respect. We have been going to counseling for couples and working on each other but just the thougjt of that lil girl in our lives forever and i will have to help care for his affair child makes me ill to my stomach. I hate that she had trapped him in to have a child with him because she thought that will keep him with her but he had told her that he loves me and wants to make us work and he told me he wish he never had relasp he was just afraid to show me that he was using again and was ashamed. I. Have moments where i think i can do this than i have days when i cant do this anymore. I dont want to hurt my 1year old son he is so close to his dad and i dont want to rob him from that because i had qent to ciurt and he has two overnites with our son but i dont know what to do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 January 2012):
 I think that is totally up to you. I personally wouldn't. He has just crossed too many of the lines. My limits to what I will accept from a spouse, friend and strangers might be very different then your limits.
Only you can know if you can live with this man, if you can start trusting him again, and if you can truly forgive him.. And Only you can know if this is a guy YOU can see yourself with long term, if he is "worth" the work you are going to have to put into the marriage to make it work
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A
male
reader, Eddie Drumz +, writes (8 January 2012):
Time to move on. He crossed a line he cannot go back on. he cheated, had a kid and do not make excuses that he was using because you just become an enabler to his emotionally abusive ways. You deserve better than this and so does your son. Consider this a lost cause and move on to better things which you truly deserve.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 January 2012):
he hasn't even been clean 6 months... but if he's truly clean and working his program and you are in counseling that is a good sign...
reminders of our past are good they remind us to strive to improve... none of us is perfect and we have to forgive ourselves more than anyone else.... so be kind to yourself...
I'm such a forgiving soul (and I'm engaged to an alcoholic so i get the whole thing)
my advice:
counseling as a couple and for yourself
al anon for yourself http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting
IF he's clean and working his program properly I vote for ONE MORE LAST CHANCE as long as he is clean and sober and WANTS to make it work....
best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 January 2012):
 Heh, I think we sped past "lost cause" years ago!
Seriously, he cheated, used drugs, and has a child through this illicit affair, not to mention he was using after your child was born.
What on earth is there to save???
If you had a best friend, a sister, or a mother who had a guy in her life who treated her like this, you wouldn't be so wishy-washy in your advice, so I'm going to be really direct with mine.
His simply "missing you" and less than 3 months of being clean isn't enough to put you and your kid in serious danger with his adding toxic people from his drug using days into the life of your kid.
This guy met this woman and was with her while he was using drugs. She's unstable enough to have a kid to trap him. There's nothing to save, and if he's not going to protect your child, it's up to you to.
He's not been clean long enough to even consider that into "working things out". Not only that, but he's actually expecting YOU to care for another woman's child?! What??!??
This guy is beyond selfish, and his lifestyle is dangerous and being with him is way too toxic and exposes you AND YOUR CHILD to a highly unstable woman that your husband brought into your life.
How much longer will you expose your child, and how much longer will you expose YOURSELF to this unhealthy toxicity called your husband? I thought the husband was supposed to PROTECT and care for his family, when he's doing the opposite.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2012): What does ur counselor say, as u are in counseling? Who is asking you to care for this child anyways? She may not even want u in her sons life. A child that neither asked to be born whether ur husband was using drugs or not while cheating on you should not be blamed or mistreated by u in the future.
Ur husband put ur health in jeopardy too by having UNPROTECTED sex with another "little girl" as u put it.
Can u really trust him. What happens in 6 months wen he relapses as most addicts in recovery do, as it is part of the tx process.
To be honest, I think you answered ur own question in ur question. I think that u don't want him or his illegitimate son, but u don't want her to have him either. It sounds like u have the attitude as the burnt and scorned wife.
I would. Take a temporary separation from him to allow him the chance to sort out his life and get through his tx. Then see how things progress one day at a time. Chances r if he was using u probably endured abuse from him over the years.
The trust has been broken between u two. This woman he had cheated w and had the child with him is not going to go away. She is now a part of your lives as her son is ur husbands child. Are u going to b able to handle their communication re their son in the future?
Are you going to wonder wen he is picking up his son, even he ever does, that he is in bed w her making love to her? Does the thought make u sick to your stomach?
I would do some soul searching as these r the questions u r going to have to ask urself.
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