A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, aunts and uncles! Should I be offended by my boyfriend's bedroom etiquette? My boyfriend is a bit immature. He is 21 and I am his first serious girlfriend. Before me, he was a virgin and just lost is virginity last week. So, I've been trying to keep my patience and not overreact. I have had a couple of sexual partners and have tried to refine my bedroom etiquette. I realize he is just now tapping into his, but the other night he really bugged me. I have given him quite a few blowjobs. I'm not complaining. In fact, I enjoy them. I have even been swallowing without complaint. With previous partners, I hated it, but I have felt very different about this boyfriend so I've been sucking it up. Pun intended, lol. At first, I told him not to even worry about doing me. I wanted him to slowly become comfortable with becoming sexual active and I know it can be a nervous situation. So, I focused on his pleasure initially. With time, I have asked him to start pleasuring me in return. He has fingered me a few times, but hasn't gone down on me. I've asked if he will and he just says, "I dont know. Maybe I'll try one day." At first, I wasn't upset because I know he was so new to it all, but now that I've been giving and giving to him I feel he is just being selfish. When he started fingering me, he always seemed grossed out afterwards and would grab tissues to wipe off. I tried not to be offended, but finally I told him it made me feel like he thought I was dirty. He apologized and said he didn't think that, but he just wasn't used to dealing with a vagina or a girl, but I didn't ask him to pleasure me again for a bit of time. The last time he was over, he started touching me and wanting to finger me. He seemed really into it and into making me feel good. I think he had got the hint from what I had previously said. I didn't cum and eventually his hand got tired. So we stopped. He didn't rush for the tissues, which I was happy to see. He then said he might as well try it and then he sucked one of his fingers. Immediate thought was, "Wow! How hot and nice!" Then he made the worst face imaginable, like he had just tasted the most sour and vile taste! He then went. "Ughhh!" and I looked at him with shock. I then grabbed his hand and told him to let me taste his other finger. So, I did and I didn't really taste anything. I've tasted myself out of curiosity in the past and usually it is just a little salty or sweet depending on my diet, but very light. That day I just tasted the slightest bit of saltiness. It wasn't bad at all and I said that to him. He said he thought otherwise and I simply said, "Ya know, what if I did that to you? I swallow a lot more than that and I never complain." He slinked back and murmured sorry. Truly, I was really offended and was wondering if I should be. I am healthy down there. I don't smell pungently or awful. His fingers really didn't even smell at all. I have tasted myself since to check if something is off and I taste normal. I am clean and I wash. I am of normal health. I know I can eat certain fruits and such to make it taste better, but shouldn't my boyfriend have handled that with a bit more tact? Is he just immature? My fear I suppose is that I will never receive oral sex from him ever and I find that to be rude and selfish of him if that is the case. How do I approach this? Do I have a sit down with him or cut him off until he is willing to be more mature about sex? Thank you for the help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers!!!! So much help! I basically just said during our next intimate session after reading these that it needs to be mutual and that if he wants any, he needs to give some. It is a two way street! However, like you guys said, he is new and needs time. So, I am happy with him just giving it a good try every time and since I laid down the law he has really stepped up. He has been trying a lot more. He opened up after sex the other night that he is just very insecure and unsure of his sexual prowess, as well. So, we also had a good chat about how there is nothing to be worried about and that I'm patient and willing to teach him. The situation has really improved, but we're still taking it slow!Nevertheless, thank you all!!!!! :-)
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (15 August 2011):
 Chigirl is -absolutely- correct. You have to treat this situation as what it is...this has nothing to do with his amount of sexual experience and EVERYTHING to do with his personality, which is sexually selfish.
You are half responsible for this situation, as much as you probably don't want to hear this, it's true. By giving him a free pass because he's just recently become sexually active, you are teaching him that his actions are okay, and he'll continue to be sexually selfish because you've never given him incentive to change.
From now on, you CANNOT allow him to be selfish any longer. If he's giving you oral sex correctly, I.E. concentrating his focus on your clitoris, he should not taste ANYTHING because your vagina and clitoris aren't the same thing. He should at least try it before he decides he doesn't want to do it.
Plus, if he refuses to give you oral sex, there is no reason you should continue to give him oral sex. Fair is fair.
Show him through your words and actions that you deserve better treatment than this. Teach him that being a giving and open-minded lover will work out better for him in the long run, because he'll have a happier partner who appreciates his efforts.
If you continue allowing him to be sexually selfish, it WILL destroy your relationship in the future. I don't think you want that when you can change it now with just a little persistent hard work.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (15 August 2011):
 Not to belittle what you've said, but come on, he did just lose his virginity last week... these things take time, he's gonna make rookie mistakes, especially in the bedroom- so you're gonna need patience with him for a while. I'd just give it a bit more time before you sit him down for a chat about this, but feel free to back off on giving him oral- then when he asks whats up, you'll be able to raise your point of view seamlessly.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 August 2011):
 Oh, he's both immature and rude. Don't do him any favours until he learns what it means to give in the sack, and not only take. You're his first so you need to teach him what's good and what's bad, so don't let him develop any nasty habits.
That means: stop going down on him! Really, just stop it, and don't let him orgasm until you've orgasmed first. I wouldn't naturally take it this far, but it seems it's been a good while now without him even showing the slightest care for your pleasure. And with you solely focusing on HIS pleasure how can you blame him? You're teaching him to be selfish in bed. Stop it, and start claiming your share.
Tell him that for the next times you have sex you want him to focus on pleasuring you, and for you to reach an orgasm as well. He might not succeed (women are tricky and I highly doubt he'll get it right, could take him a year), but he needs to show an eagerness to please.
To sum it up: for the time being he is immature, and you need to stop saying it's ok. You've allowed a lot from him and so he seems to think it's ok for him to be selfish, since you so willingly go down on him without him needing to show an interest in pleasing you. Reward good behaviour, DO NOT reward selfish behaviour. It's like with dogs (sorry, I know this might sound crude), you can't let him be selfish and go "it's ok, you're new at the game so you're allowed" and then mope afterwards.
The new rules of the game are that you hold back until he learns to give.
By the way, I've been with virgins myself and this is not common for virgins. Virgin men can be very eager to please and be great lovers. His unwillingness to please you, and his lack of interest in your pleasure, is a character trait of his and has nothing to do with his experience in the bedroom. He is immature as a person, got nothing to do with level of sexual experience.
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (15 August 2011):
I honestly don't think he is aiming to cause offence, I just think he is seriously immature and lacking tact. You say he is not experience sexually, but I also think his reactions seem to indicate that he doesn't know how to react around people. I too would be offended if a boyfriend behaved like that towards me.
I think you need to sit down and tell him exactly what you have said here. Maybe you need to need to reduce the amount of intimacy until he is more used to having a sexual relationship, and perhaps he will behave a bit more like an adult.
I think the best idea is to do as you yourself have suggested: have a sit down and talk to him. I think he is probably a bit out of his depth and his behaviour is a direct reflection of that.
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