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age
36-40,
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writes: you guys! i have really loved you all. i know this is three years later but what most of you are talking about is my story and what i am going through now. i love this girl and she tells me that she loves me. i am a virgin who has always wanted to get the right person. when we started talking, she told me that she has had five relationships in two years and has had sex with this guys for God i don't know how many times. she has had a crazy party animal life, clubbing and over drinking. this bothers me a lot; 90% of the day i am thinking about this and really get mad with myself. at times i blame myself for growing up with values, not sleeping around. i love her but can end this although i don't know how because it hurts so bad. i want to keep her as a friend and not feel love for her anymore. at times i hate her and everytime i see her or any beautiful girl now, i see a used girl. i hate this i hate the day i got into this yet i still see her. we have not done anything with her not even kissed yet. i really don't know what to do; an i the naive one, should i have slept around in my past? what should i do, how can i get her out of my mind without losing her as afriend. there is no one i can talk to any more since they all look at me as strange because i am still a virgin.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): Okay then, lets discuss this shall we? She considers her virginity as something of no importance. Unfortunately, we live in an age where most young females have thrown all virtues to the winds. Furthermore, there are females out there (believe or not) who ACTUALLY enjoy sex in a casual recreational way & have no problem with it whatsoever. Your girlfriend most likely belongs to the ranks of such females. She enjoys her lifestyle of partying & promiscuity.
Since your girlfriend is such a female, why do you bother caring that she's not a virgin? She obviously doesn't. Now if she herself doesn't care, what makes you think she cares whether you are a virgin or not? Also, why do you resent the fact that you grew up with values? In case you've fogotten, they are called VALUES because they are WORTH SOMETHING. The people that truly love you, your parents, gave you those values, because you worth something to them as a human being. In turn these values will teach you how to value other human beings that come into your life because human beings are valuable. SO TAKE THAT NONSENSE OF RESENTING VALUES OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
You have a problem of values. One thing you must understand brother is that when it comes to values in a relationship, there is NO compromise. Either your girlfriend cleans her act up & starts getting some self respect or you follow her & join the pleasure seeking crowd & dump all your values. You don't know what to do because you are caught between her & your values.
If you choose her, you'll have to forgo your values which took years to build. If you choose your values, you'll lose her. From what you have said, you have already decided to end the relationship. You find it hard to accept her past because your values forbid you to & all the more frustrating because of the emotional attachment you have made. This attachment is the source of your pain. How?
You feel that way because you are a human being. It is your protective instinct that is coming to play. As human beings we have this natural desire to protect those we love, those we VALUE. You as a virgin know that her womanly virtue is something valuable that she should've given you to protect as her man. You are hurt not by the fact that she had already been with other men but by the fact that these men had knowledge of her. Knowledge which you wanted to protect as her husband inside the sanctity of marriage so that her dignity is preserved & guarded by your love & respect. Yes brother. The ultimate reason why we as men involve ourselves with women we desire is to make them our wives, the mother of our children & second in command of our House.
Well sir, how can you guard something that has already been stolen? How can you protect something that has already been destroyed? How can you cherish something nobody loves? How can you give value to something that has been devalued several times? I hope you're starting to see the picture. She doesn't value you the same way you value her.
She has damaged herself before you met her & as long as she doesn't acknowledge that & allows herself to be violated continously by men who don't value her like you, then might as well let her be. She needs to sort herself out, not you. People always declare that those who have a problem with their partners' sexual past need councelling. However, those who actually need councelling the most are those who've lost their virginity.Sex before marriage changes someone profoudly for life & often for the worst. Guilt & shame are the results ofpre-marital sex & if not dealt with effectively will affect all their relationships for the rest of their lives. If people who are not virgins were honest with temselves they will admit that their first time was anything but great.
You are not responsible for her. She damaged herself & it is her responsibility to fix herself up. Having lived & enjoyed the kind of life lifestyle that your values loathe, you cannot consider her as potential wife material. There is no guranttee of fidelity on her side because her track record speaks otherwise. You don't want just any woman but an honorable woman. She cannot be honored considering the fact that she has lived a dishonorable life and more so by the fact it was by her own choice. What's the point of honoring someone who doesn't appreciate honor? Furthermore as a man of virtue you have a duty to your principles by remaining a virgin & finding someone of like virtue to marry so that your
I'm sorry but your girlfriend in the long run cannot offer you the same kind of honor you're offering her. If she was honest with herself, she wouldn't want to have an intimate relationship with you because deep down inside, she knows you deserve someone like yourself. Someone BETTER.And though you don't want to let her go, deep down inside, you want a virgin for a wife. The truth hurts but you as a man must confront it & embrace it.
Be honest. Tell her that she is not the kind of woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. If she recognizes that and humbly accepts your decision, then she's worthy to have as a friend & perhaps your friendship may help her to be a better person again because she is friends with self respecting people like you. If she reacts to your decision with scorn, contempt & insult for you then all the better. One day she will realize what you tried to do for her as her boyfriend. She will realize it years from now when she is all alone & sees you with your beautiful wife & kids walking down the street.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): I agree with Chigirl. You're a bad match.
Another tip - don't seek advice about how to deal with this problem from people who don't see a problem in the first place. They may mean well but their advice won't help.
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A
male
reader, Will 77  +, writes (15 August 2011):
If she is genuine and true to you, you've hit the jackpot, bro. People grow up differently. It's OK.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 August 2011):
 Well, clearly you can not have a relationship with her when you resent her. It's ok, you have different morals. But you must accept this as a part of yourself, you must accept that there is no way you can be happy with this woman, even if you love her. Love is never enough, you need to be compatible at other levels as well, one of the more important levels is the moral level and to have matching values. You don't have matching values. Which is why you can not be with this girl, but must find a girl who has the same values as you! Accept this and stop trying to change who you are, or change who she is. The two of you do not match, you need to let her go.
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