A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so here goes. Im in a relationship with an amazing man. he's 22 and im 26 We've been together for just over a year and i have fallen unexpectedly pregnant. We have discussed it and decided the best option in a termination ( I don't want you views on if you think its right or not). the only problem is im not sure i really want a termination. I am currently at uni though and neither of us have particular good jobs so i know its for the best. The other thing is he doesn't really seem to want to show me his feelings about it. I know he is not really pro choice but he sees it as the only option and im quite scared he will reject me after or have ill feelings. he said he wont but he doesn't seem to want to talk about it very much. I don't really know what to do or how to make sure he feels ok. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 Do you have someone close that you can talk about this with? Someone who knows you well and that you trust? Talking helps, and they might have good advice for you.
I will ask you one question. It's not going to help you decide, but it's a question I'd ask myself, and that I think is good to think about. For the future. You want children, sometime in the future. Maybe in the neat future even. Will you think about the termination, and the child you could have had, when you try to become pregnant? Would you think it is sad, or unfair, that this child should come to your life, and the other not? Im not saying it is unfair, but I worry these thought could come. So my question is this: would you be able to experience the joy of creating a new life, after having had a termination?
To me I think it'd be difficult. It'd ruin the idea of creating a family together, for me. That is why I ask, to make sure you have thought about these things as well, and have come to terms with them.
As for your boyfriend resenting you, or leaving you afterwards... there are no guarantees in life. Even if you didn't fall pregnant he could leave you for any number of reason. If he's been supportive of you, and you trust in each other, don't let what others have experienced take over. Don't let your life decisions be controlled by the thoughts of others who have none to say in it. It's a factor you can think about, but don't let it scare you. If he leaves you or stays.. there is nothing you can do to prevent the things that happen in life, there are no guarantees. If you have the child out of fear that he will leave he is just as likely to leave after you have the child too. Child or no child, it's how strong of a relationship you have that determines the length of the relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe choice is a joint one. All though i always said if i wasn't ready to have a child i would have an abortion but i didn't think it would happen. We use regular birth control this isn't two teenage kids with no clue about how life works. i thank you all for your comments but i fear some of you are missing the point. im afraid youwish i think your completely wrong when you say its my decision alone. He is the other 50% he at least as a say.
Im not scared he will reject me because of anything he has said, he is a very supportive partner but i hear things from other people that there partners rejected them and as i know hes not massively in agreement with abortions generally i do worry that in him breaking his moral standing he will resent me for it.
He thinks its the right thing he just wishes the situation hadn't arisen and would love nothing more than to embrace the chance to have a child just not at 22. As for me im struggling because i too never thought i would be in this situation.
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A
female
reader, cherryberrytrapeze +, writes (8 March 2011):
As much as the baby's father plays a crucial role within this decision, you yourself have to decide because you will be the one bearing the consequences for the rest of your life. This baby just isn't some unexpected "happening" that pops into lives every now and then.
The list of cons on abortion is endless, and although i'm pro choice, I only have one thing to say... if you are not going to be able to take care of this baby, don't have the baby. It pains me to say this, but if you think about it long term, the baby growing up in an adoptive family will have to face questions like "Why didn't my actual parents want me?" and if you aren't going to be there to face these questions then you need to spare one (possible) child the pain of growing up feeling unwanted.
Although your boyfriend is important to you, you too have to understand that giving up this baby is not up to him. Even if he seems unhappy, as you have described, make this decision based on what you think AS WELL. Its a joint decision, not a one-sided one.
Think carefully about your long term choices and focus on the future. The present might seem difficult, but its the future world that you're going to have to live in. All the best with whichever decision you choose.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): If the abortion agreement was made before you actually got pregnant, then I think you totally owe it to your BF to abort it now even if you are having second thoughts. If you change your mind now then he basically slept with you under false pretenses. He might have decided not to take the risk of sleeping with you in the first place if he knew you would change your story once the pregnancy happened.
But if the subject of what to do about any accidental pregnancies was not discussed until after you were already pregnant, then I think you have more of a right to change your mind now. He wasn't ever led to believe you would do what he wanted beforehand, so he cannot just automatically expect you to agree with him now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): Yes, it's good to take your boyfriends views into account, but at the end of the day you have to choose what is best for you. It's your body, your life, and your the person who'll be tied to responsibility for the next 18 years if you choose to have the baby, not him xx
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (7 March 2011):
 This isn't the choice about where to set on Friday night, it affects the rest of your life. Are you really prepared to sacrifice the next 18 years of your entire life because of what your boyfriend thinks? YouWish said it perfectly, that this is the only chance you have to make your own decision. What if he decides one day to leave? This is your body. It is your choice about whether you want a baby. He said it's ok with him to do since he isn't ready for a child. He's obviously not so anti-abortion that he couldn't imagine doing it. And in the end it's not his body, it's yours.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): This is such a tough situation and the biggest decision you will ever have to make...first things first you MUST sit down with your partner and discuss this IN DETAIL and with complete and utter honesty - this is far too important a situation to not do this! If it transpires that he does not want the baby then you have to make the RIGHT decision for you whatever that may be. Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): Have some more discussion with him. Make sure you both know your true feelings in this. However you must choose what is right for YOU. Men come and go - but a baby is forever. Your whole life will be a compromise once you have a baby and if you find you are own your own, that is an added strain. The best time to have a baby is when you are with a secure partner and have a settled life, but life is never straight forward. But you must think of yourself first as you will be the one to who is most affected by the decision.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 March 2011):
Why are you scared he will reject you after having a termination? Where does this fear come from? Do you deep down think he might not want to be with you, but is staying with you to support you through this, and intends to leave afterwards? Has he given you any indication of this before you found out about the pregnancy? Or do you think that he doesn't really want the termination, and will resent you for having one?
It might very well be possible that a man will resent you for having had a termination. It's a very sensitive subject for many, and a new boyfriend might resent you for it, as well as your current boyriend. Which is why you need to talk to him about it. If he's agreed to a termination, then you know he is with you on this. But just as many women fall into depression, sorrow and feeling of loss after a termination (it has a deep emotional impact), so can men also fall into depression, and feelings of loss. They too experience the termination, not on their bodies like women, but in their mind and heart.
This means he could be ok with a termination now, before it has happened, and feel that it is the right thing to do. But it doesn't mean he wants this, or that this will not effect him. You really need to talk to him about this, and if you still have these questions in your mind then that shows you are not done talking about it. You are not at rest with your decision.
However he is responsible for speaking up about his feelings around this. Once he has told you to have a termination, you can not read his mind. It is not your fault if he holds anything back, and it'd be unfair if he would reject you afterwards because of it. Nonetheless, it could happen. I don't know you or him, but if you worry it might happen, then I imagine you have your reasons for thinking it might happen. So look into those reasons, are they coming from irrational fear, or from something real?
Will you resent him for thinking that this was the only way? Do you secretly wish he'd open up his arms to you and the unborn child, have a family, etc? Are you disappointed by him and his response to you being pregnant?
Bottom line is that you can't be sure if he's ok with it. Things change. And you can't be sure that YOU will be ok with it. But in life there are never any guarantees, and we have to do what we have to do. Do you still have time to think about this, and talk about it?
I also suggest you talk to your doctor about wanting someone to talk to, someone who knows about the dilemmas you are faced with when it comes to terminating a pregnancy.
You know if this is what is right for you. And even if the relationship doesn't last, you must be at peace with knowing you made the decision that was right for you, no matter what else. Not a decision that was right for him, but a decision that was right for you. You are the one who needs to live with yourself and the choices you made. He is responsible for living with himself and the choices he made. You are not respinsible for the choices he made, and if he told you this termination is what he wants, only to regret it later, then he is the one who needs to live with that. You can not take that responsibility on your shoulders.
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A
female
reader, lovelyeyes +, writes (7 March 2011):
The decision is not yours alone. He has the other 50 percent right over this child. I think before you do anything you should have a conversation about this. You don't want to do something that he's going blame you for later on. I'm really against abortions. I feel like it's a beautiful gift from God. It's your choice, but I hope you think about it a little more. And talk to the dad of this baby before doing anything. I really wish you the best. God Bless.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 March 2011):
 The decision is yours and yours alone. You can't make it to please anyone else. Consider the long term impact of having a baby on your life. You would have to raise your child, feed him/her, provide for him/her, and live your life for your baby.
Your boyfriend's thoughts on this matter are as such that he is the father, but he could always distance himself and take off on you. Your relationship is not a secure one now. Can he financially and emotionally support his child?
Pro-life/Pro-choice sweeping beliefs won't pay the bills. Your choice is only your choice. Being worried about his rejection or ill-feelings is NOT a reason that should be considered. He could have ill-feelings or reject you for any reason before, during, and after the baby is born. He could decide after one sleepless night with a screaming baby that he's had enough and doesn't want to be a father.
Your choice on this one. Consider the big picture, and I mean the next 18 year big picture.
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