A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm extremly uncomfortable with my husband and his female coworker/friend. I think she crosses to many boundries and doesn't see it. I'm constantly accusing him of cheating and its causing a wedge between us. He has other female friends that I'm fine with its just her. He will pick her up for work and drop her off. They talk 2-4x a day even if they have worked together or work together later that day. She has given him a gift before and brought him food to work on her day off . We fight once a month because I'm uncomfortable with their relationship. He says its his friend she can call when ever she wants, yet she's the person besides me he talks to the most. I love him and wanna make it work but I don't trust him. Hes told ne he wouldn't choose between me nd her because their just friends. He tells me I'm insecure and I am and will admit that. I feel he gives me a reason to be. They never text, they only talk via telephone. My friends tell me I need to leave because hes disrespectful. She has even said do u need permission to talk to me because she knew I was around. Ihavent found anything bad on his phone but they talk constantly so Iwowouldn't find texts.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 February 2014):
 Sit your husband down and tell him calmly that this is just getting ridiculous and out of hand. If he is "just friends" with her as he claims, then this should be a no-brainer for him. If his friendship with this woman is making you uncomfortable (and rightly so), then he had better do something about it.Tell him that till he doesn't stop this hanky-panky, you cannot take his crap any longer. This woman is playing a very smart game here. The more angry you get, the sweeter SHE gets with him. Its directly proportional. The more you scream at him, the sooner he runs to her (because she's his "friend" as he says) and the better it makes HER feel. The wife is doubting her, the wife sees her as a potential threat...and this is a HUGE ego boost for her. She then cozies up to your husband, playing the big-eyed, innocent damsel who comforts him, probably even advises him on his relationship with you and has a calming word to say. All the while, you look like the green-eyed monster and she is the angelic friend who brings him food and gives him gifts. Its a win-win for her and there's nothing in it for you. Be very careful here OP. If you give him an ultimatum, then do it only when you are sure you can and will walk out if the need arises. While he may agree to stop taking to her under pressure from you, he might still continue doing so in stealth and that will be even worse.Ultimately it all comes down to trust and your instincts about the whole thing. Talk to your husband one last time and see if there is any difference in his attitude. If yes, then maybe you can still salvage it. If not, then its going to be very difficult.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 February 2014):
 For me, there's not enough info to give you good advice, so I'll ask some questions and hopefully you'll answer in the follow-up. Otherwise, I'll give you advice on what you have said up until now.
First, the questions:
1. Have you accused him of cheating a lot before this woman, or is it ONLY this woman that has you accusing him?
2. How long have you been married? Do you have kids?
3. Is his friend an ex or a past love interest?
4. Did you have trust issues before you married?
5. Were they friends before you two got together?
Okay, that's out of the way. Now, I am for platonic friends of the opposite sex. I have them and so does my husband. However, what it sounds like here is that he is having an emotional affair and not a friendship, especially on her end.
I'd ask your husband whether or not he would tolerate a male friend of yours buying you gifts, bringing you food, and talking to you 4x per day. And for that matter, the second question to ask him is whether or not he would interact with any guy friend in the same manner that he would this girl.
I'd guess not. Guys don't make special visits to bring food or gifts to other guys. Guys don't talk to each other constantly either unless they're in a fantasy football team, in which case they talk a LOT and it's usually trash talking or negotiating trades, which can last hours.
That's the real test - whether or not he treats this girl like he would any guy platonic friend. And that's just it - if you have had trust issues before this girl, he may be digging his heels in because he doesn't want to be "whipped", which is an ego thing. He also may be aware that she is into him and fawning all over him, as well as you being jealous and upset may also be a huge shot to his ego (yes, even your anger feeds an ego), which is intoxicating like a woman's affections.
He may also be either hedging his bets or is contemplating an actual affair with her as well, and he may not.
Either way, you have to change your tactics, because anger and constant accusations are beneath you. I'd tell him that she's into him, and his playing with that and using her attention to feed his ego at your expense is nothing short of sniveling weakness and it disgusts you.
Then get a life fast - take off and have a blast with your friends and don't wait for him. The moment he realizes that you don't need him and don't want him while he's getting off on his emotional affair with her, he'll either start an actual one, in which case you'll get it over with and drop the bastard, or he'll freak out and then you'll be the one having to fight off his own trust issues.
That's just it - an ultimatum CANNOT be issued without you following through, or he's got you until the day you die. Don't issue one until you have the divorce order in hand.
And don't get mad and out of control emotionally - he's telling her this, and she's being sweet as pie to get him from you. That whole "Ask permission" thing is because he's trashing you to her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 February 2014):
 hold your friends close and your enemies closer....
while there may be NOTHING going on... IF you give him the 'HER OR ME" choice... he may pick her. I would. I had friends tell me "us or him" when I was DATING my hubby and the fact that they forced me to make a choice meant they lose.
You yourself say you are insecure. He is not hiding anything going on with her and possibly he is having "bounceback" reaction.
Invite her to your home REGULARLY... talk to her constantly... make her your best buddy... or at least try... hold her closer to you than you want.... if she has nefarious intent, it will impact on that intent.
IF she is really just his friend, then it won't matter and you can see that there is nothing going on and relax.
DO not issue a "her or me" ultimatum you will LOSE.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2014): I would simply leave. I say this after putting up with and trying to work with this kind of behaviour over and over again. In the end I did end up leaving - but I wish I hadn't left it for 20 years.
If he's like this now it will get worse.
I wouldn't even bother talking - he KNOWS deep down what he's doing.
If he cares he will watnt you back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2014): You poor thing. I've just come out of a relationship for exactly the same reason....it went on for years with an ex housemate. The chatting, texting, flirting, etc. I had enough and I'm sure you have too.If she had any sense she would see that you two are married and she'd leave you alone. But at the end of the day, it's your husband and he's the main person in the wrong. I'm sorry to say, but what a jerk he is! What kind of man ignores a woman who questions him about another woman? That's what he's doing (ignoring you) because you've asked him several times about her and he's denying everything. If he was a good man, he'd see that it's hurting your feelings and he'd do whatever it takes to make you see you're the love of his life and nobody else matters. Honestly, if my partner questioned me about a colleague, I'd get another secretary (next time female) to prove to my partner there isn't anything going on or change my job.I saw someobody else write "get to know her and invite her over" DO NOT do that! She'll see that as an invitation that you're naive and oblivious to the situation so she'll make herself even more present in you and your husbands life (been there and done that)"I feel he gives me a reason to be (uncomfortable)" Of course he does. Don't blame yourself for this, it's him not you. I know you love him but do you really want this woman hanging around in your lives forever?This may sound harsh, but it's gone on long enough. Make him choose between you two. You've put up with enough of his crap, now he needs to man up and show you how much he loves you. If he loved you enough, he would get rid of her in a heartbeat without even thinking twice. She is a colleague at the end of the day, not a lover, not a friend. As Wise Owl correctly said; "Everyone's cozy, but wifey." And that's not fair on your behalf because he's getting the best of both worlds. That's not how a marriage works.I'm very interested to see how you go. I believe all of these types of men are the same, they'll argue black and blue that they don't have feelings but when it is make or break with their partners (the ones they are supposed to be in love with), they mostly choose the other woman because there's a conection there and they want them in their lives. I really wish you all the best. Stay strong, don't put up with anymore nonsense. At the end of the day, you're hurt and he needs to see that. If he doesn't you're much better off without him! Good luck xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2014): I would caution you to approaching your husband's co-worker.
She would immediately see through any invitation to be chummy. She already knows you're suspicious. Why would she show up for anything allowing you the opportunity to confront her? I think she'd know something was up, and your husband would intervene.
Killing her with kindness when she already knows you don't like her would be inviting her to play cat and mouse. You're the mouse.
I would recommend you leave her alone, and deal with your husband directly. He's the one you're married to. He's the one who should be setting the boundaries.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2014): The thing that bothers me, is the fact that your husband is very dismissive of your discomfort; and seems protective of their so-called "friendship." He puts her first.
He seems a bit cavalier, and knows being a wife doesn't give you the easy option of packing and leaving at a moment's notice. There are legalities and complications that prevent that. He also knows you'll do a lot of bluffing. You're helpless and indecisive. You'll use love as the excuse. The truth is the lack of courage.
She is being very presumptuous to ask if he needs permission to talk to her. The last thing a female "friend" to a married-man should do; is provoke or be belligerent to his wife. He should have immediately come to your defense.
She should know her place, and stay there. That's where she crosses the line, and raises the suspicion her association with your husband goes a bit beyond just being friendly.
Her mockery is an indication that they have discussed your feelings about them. Neither seem to car.
If nothings going on, they certainly have the best setup going on ever. Picks her up and takes her home. At work all day. Chats after work.
You either put your foot down, or quietly play dumb. Hubby has made his choice. He isn't quitting his job, and she is one of the perks. Everyone's cozy, but wifey.
You decide what you're willing to put up with. We can't tell you what to do. Listen to your friends, they know your husband on a more familiar basis.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 February 2014):
 It was all fine for me until you said she asks if he needs permission to talk .......... RED FLAG.
Here is my suggestion, put on a BBQ, invite her over, and some more friends so it doesn't look deliberate. Get to know her, ask her to meet for coffee on her next day off to do some 'girl stuff' together, let he know you think you would be a bad wife if you didn't get to know 'his friend'. Smother her with kindness, I am sure you have heard the old saying, "hold your friends close and your enemies even closer".
How can she, if you are all sweetness and light, refuse to go along with your 'lovely' requests? She can't! She cannot spurn your friendly advances without showing herself up for what we both suspect she is.
Give her enough rope to hang herself and then you can ask your husband to either restrict their interaction to work only, or make his choice. But no ulitmatums unless it gets to the point where this is your only option, and also remember NO ULTIMATUMS unless you are prepared to carry through with the 'her or me' ultimatum.
Good luck.
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