A
male
age
30-35,
*aledonobon
writes:I've been dating my gf for a little over a year now. Out of the that I was deployed for 8 months. From the moment my mom met my gf she said she was rude to her. My sister / friends all like her and thinks she is a great girl and I love her, While I was deployed my mother wrote me several times telling me that my gf was cheating in em with numerous of my friends , it got to the pint that I actual stopped opening mail from her.After coming home she still insists that she did and is still cheating yet when I ask her with who or if she has proof she gets mad at me.My fronds and my sister all said that my mom is crazy and that the only time my gf would go out would be with the, and that she never even as much as looked at another guy.My mother in constantly ride to her and its to the point where it is making it hard on us. I have stuck up for my gf and it just caused a fight with my mother and I and then my gf felt bad because e she feels like she is coming between my mother and I. I can't kick my mother out of my life but how can I explain to her that if she keeps this behaviour up then I have no choice but to distance myself from her ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 February 2014):
 I would ASK your mom to respect your choice in GF. I would tell her the MORE she pushes for you to dump your GF the more she is PUSHING herself out of your life. You also need to explain it's NOT a competition. Your GF is not her RIVAL she is your PARTNER - whether your Mom likes it or not.
All the negativity and stress she ADDED on to your LIFE while deployed made you NOT even WANT to open her e-mails, let alone communicate with her. Being deployed is HARDLY easy as it is.
BE frank with your mom (and do this face-to-face) if you can and NOT in front of others.
See what she says to that.
I would ALSO talk to your GF. She shouldn't feel bad because you mom is going through some kind of "menopausal empty nest syndrome".
It's actually a LOT more common then people think for mom's to develop an attachments to their sons where they see ANY other woman as a threat or not GOOD enough for their child. Then you add the fact that you JOINED the military... So it's a double whammy. She is scared of losing YOU to your GF or just LOSING you to war. Your mom doesn't like the idea of her "little" boy growing into a man, leaving HER for another woman and not "needing" her in the same way. At some point in time she NEED to accept it, right now though she isn't ready. I would tell her that YOU are going to BACK off being AROUND your mom til she is ready.
Your mom has been a single mom for how long?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 February 2014):
 why can't you kick a toxic person out of your life?
just because she is your mother does not mean you have to tolerate bad behavior from her. Giving birth to you does NOT give her free rein to mistreat you or your friends.
"Mom, I'm not sure what it is you have against "sally" (use your gf's name) but it's unjustified and unvalidated information you are trying to give me. I will NO LONGER tolerate your speaking badly about her to me, or my friends. IF you cannot manage to be nice to her my choice is to END IT WITH YOU. The choice is YOURS mom. Treat my GF with proper respect or stay out of my life"
then the choice is really hers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2014): No matter how nice you may ask her, your mother has it in for your girlfriend, and she doesn't like her. Stand up to her very respectfully. She is still your mother. She thinks she's protecting you.
Your mother may also be suffering from an undiagnosed mental disorder. Your sister may have something there.
Is she living alone. Where is your father? Is she otherwise functioning normally? Is your girlfriend the only problem she has?
If your mother is obsessing on your girlfriend; she may be driven by depression, or an untreated mental condition. Her mission is to break you up; and get your girlfriend out of your life. You've been wishy-washy about it; so it only makes her more frustrated.
You have to be firm. Ask her to stop. Request that she not interfere with your relationship, she's wasting her time and you'd rather everybody got along. If she doesn't stop, then you will pull away and she will not hear from either of you.
You and your sister should pull other family members together for a meeting, and have a family-intervention.
Your mother may need to see a doctor, and she isn't going to go without your family putting the pressure on her to do it. She may be ill, and distancing yourself might do more harm than good. You can't rule out mental-illness; even if you feel ashamed of the possibility. Don't sit in denial.
My guess is that your mother may need therapy. You can't overlook that possibility. If she has been irrational and persistent; and just asking her to stop isn't enough. It is possible there is a compulsion in her mind, and she can't control it.
Worse case scenario, is she could be telling the truth.
Asking her to produce the evidence is ridiculous. That isn't her responsibility; nor is it any of her business.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 February 2014):
 You say to her: "Mom, I appreciate all the attention and concern that you exhibit to me. You've been good and supportive to me. How many guys my age would sell their soul to have a Mother like you?
BUT, I think you are not much enamored of my G/F... I would like to ask you to back off from your discussion about her, with me... AND, until and unless I ask for your opinions about her, won't you please keep them to yourself? I like the girl...Heck, I LOVE her.... and.... it's not out of the question that I'll ask her to spend her life with me...
IF you want to be part of that life.... join in with me, please. IF you wish to continue to bad-mouth and criticize her (and, consequently, me) how do I have any alternative except to distance myself from you and that vitriole?
Let's let things be better amongst the three of us....
Good luck...
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