A
male
age
30-35,
*nk
writes:Hi CupidI am in a dilemma and I'm not sure how to explain.I'm 21 year old straight male studying medicine at local university.It seems like I want to date now but I'm not sure what's stopping me doing so. I tried thinking of reasons yet not any had been a big a concern for me.I do like single being but I have been as comfortable in relationship so that's not it.I usually look into relationship where I see a future. I do not indulge myself just for the sake of company/intimacy. I disapprove of night stands / FWB. I had a bad relationship previously (my first as an adult) which lasted around two and a half year. It's around one and half year since I'm single so I'm healed and ready to date again. I don't know what is to be done. Some friends female have even asked if I were gay as I have shown no desire physically , neither I have felt any for all the girls I know. Also, I have never felt a need to be more than friends with any girl. It's rare for me to like someone sexually and in person.I know there are girls who had shown interest in dating me but I have told them politely that I have nothing more to give them apart from being a friend. I reckon its better to tell the dire truth rather than leading them to anything at all.I have many female friends so I have no problems expressing myself or approaching anyone.I'm confident and groom myself so I'm positive its not fear. In fact, I have approached a lot of students at university and I know almost everyone at campus.At times hanging out with girls, I can read all the signals what the girl is leading me to but I simply smile and tell them we are just friends. I don't know why I don't feel anything for them at all.Last year I liked a girl, I took her number to see where it goes. Called for a date but we didn't connect at all. She was very childish. She use to block me on whatsapp if I didn't text her. She used to block me again if I talked to her. In short she was trying to manipulate and control me by using different sort of techniques. In person she was normal but I guess texting wasn't her thing. Dates were fine but everything else was weird. It seemed she was being told what to do rather than being herself.So it's not I do not like anyone but it passes very quickly (Less than a week). It seems at times, I do not belong with where I am. This might have to do with my family traditions and how I was brought up.My ex is the only person who can still turn me on. It only takes few seconds for both of us. we are still friends and I have told her we got no future together and I'm certain I'm over her.I don't know what my problem is really, I seem to be very choosy and I may have already decided how my girlfriend ought to be like in my mind which is a stumbling block .Do should think I should think of girls as potential partners rather than just friends.What could be done different in my head?Thank you for reading and I'll appreciate a lot if you can share your views.
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male
reader, Hnk +, writes (18 November 2013):
Hnk is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks alot Lalysos/Youwish for your insight and time for writing. I honestly feel that you (Lalysos) understood exactly what I was trying to ask. Your advice is invaluable at this point (both of you).
A
female
reader, Lalysos  +, writes (18 November 2013):
 I think you still have enough time to choose the right girl. Being picky is not necessarily bad thing - it shows you're not shallow minded and you're capable of deep emotions. I gueess you doesn't mean as being picky only by outside look, right? In that case being too picky is just stupid.
I think you're looking for soul mate, someone to fulfill your life. As hard as it might seems - if you aren't lock in the house all the time (you said you aren't), you're going to find the one. Take your time, after all, you're only 21. Charles Bukowski once wrote: “there are worse things than being alone but it often takes decades to realize this and most often when you do it's too late and there's nothing worse than too late.” Just imagine being with someone you don't love and have family with her. For me, this is one of the most horrible decision you could make.
Maybe the stuff i'm writing to you now is a bit overheard for you at the moment. But i was the same as you one year ago. I was looking for emotional connection and all guys seemed to be shallow, childish or just not the right for me. And then my current boyfriend came - he is everything i ever wanted from a guy and more- he is not what i think i wanted but in reality i don't.
I do think you shouldn't push yourself into dating with any girls you don't really want to. I also have a feeling that girls you claim to be friends with are not your very close friends. Just try to make deeper connection with your girlfriends in campus. I don't mean with anyone- just the ones you feel they're trustworthy. With deeper connection i mean that you try to tell them problems, secret dreams you have and you listen to theirs. Try to be a good friend before you try to be a good boyfriend.
I also agree with YouWish's post, stop contact with your ex. At that point you have only 2 options - be with her again (i don't know the reason you two break up) or stop contact completely. The relationship you have with her now obviously have too much influence on your current situation.
And seriously, do not worry, there are a lot of fishes in the sea, whatever overheard this is. :)
ps: you can contact me if you want to!
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A
male
reader, Hnk +, writes (17 November 2013):
Hnk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your answer and I guess you are right. I'm stuck in past but not over my ex. It was a close friend who died when I was 17. I think I compare everyone to her and want a person same like her. I know everyone's different and I need to learn to live with that and appreciate everyone as they are. Not as I want them.
I don't watch porn or masturbate as you have suggested though. it's solely physiological I reckon.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (17 November 2013):
 The answer is much easier than you think. STOP CONTACT with your ex. Even being friends with her makes you emotionally unavailable to anyone else. You're lying to yourself if you think you're over her if you say on here that she can turn you on in seconds. You're not over her. If you *were* over her, you wouldn't keep her hanging around.
Also, if you're a porn user, especially a heavy porn user, that is also a huge issue. Heavy porn use messes up the sexual arousal response, causing lack of attracting, self-confidence, and ED. You need to back off porn and masturbation if you're doing that daily. A hungry guy wants to eat, and if you're conveniently rubbing one off, you're not "hungry" for female attention.
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