A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need help trying to explain why I only seem to attract, or focus on unavailable men. I am young, and I am seeing an older man, who is married with children. I was seeing a married man, yes this is unethical, and goes beyond values that I thought I had for myself and others. Yet, he was willing to give me so much in such little time. When we first met he informed me he was separated, and was trying to get a divorce. But once, the story changed, I did end the relationship. However, a few weeks later he returned, and I accepted the fact that he was actually married. He would claim that he had plans to leave his wife, because he was unhappy and did not feel like himself. But then he would always be worried about losing his child. I was with this man for roughly two months, that is nothing, yet I feel so destroyed and alone. When we got back together everything was beautiful. We didn't sleep together until the third date, I think I was treating this like a real relationship (how foolish). But everything he said, he was possessive, he did not want me seeing other people, and would claim I was his girlfriend. I meet his brother during this time. During the two months, we went away for the weekend and honestly I got lost in fantasy. He felt like my lover, only mine...when we got back we starting seeing each other everyday. He would bring me flowers to work. We had a wonderful valentine's day. And just recently it ended.I feel lost, and confused yet understanding. He had a wife, what could I have expected. He informed that he needed to spend more time with his daughter, and all the energy he put towards me needed to be redirected to his daughter. He felt like he wasn't a good father. And honestly, this is the last thing I wanted to do. I've grown up without a father...He said, he couldn't waste his time thinking about me all the time, thinking if I was cheating on him, worried about my life...he was starting not to think about his daughter. I feel bad I put him in this position..Yet I can't help but think if he comes back I'll fall right into his arms again. I am trying to find my self worth but it's lost in agony. The relationship was good, but trust cannot be built on this foundation. I was not able to trust him, here I thought if he is able to cheat on his wife, umm of course he would cheat on me...but is it even considered cheating (umm no)...so this is where I am lost for emotions, how could I allow myself to care for someone that could never be mine. I got to say it's like a drug...that high of feeling so good during that time period, is worth the pain in the end. I need help trying to get over this situation, and to never put myself in this position again. I have deep regret, and empathy for his wife and children.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (21 February 2015):
I have had friends who were in similar situations. I do not think it is a complex issue but I do believe the answers a 3rd party gives is not as powerful as the answers you give yourself.
Firstly, the relationship with a married man: somewhere in the middle you thought it would end in your favor. I have had friends tell me that their relationship with an already taken partner was the best they ever had, and he/she was the one that got away. I ask them if the taboo nature of the relationship had anything to do with it. You had to keep it a secret and focus on lust to get meaning out of it. The affair was like a drug. You knew before going into it that the chances of success were low so why should it change if nothing during the affair changes.
In your post, it would seem like you are mentioning a lot of things he did, which of course were wrong. Hopefully, you do realize that you weren't some puppet in all of this and you did decide to go into this affair. If you want to move beyond this, you do have to accept some responsibility for your own actions which goes beyond just being hard on yourself. I do not wish to correct any wording in your post, but I will mention that what you had with him was no relationship. Your goal is to ultimately learn and try to not repeat the mistakes that will waste even more time in an otherwise short life. Surely, we can all be happy without having to hurt others.
This is not a matter of attracting the wrong person, or pursuing a wrong person. You made a bad decision and you just have to fess up to it. People rarely have good breakups so I can't seem to think why you are attracting the wrong men. If this is a problem, then just date different men and put some effort into understanding their personalities. You do have choices into what your heart feels.
My advice, would be to take some time to yourself and change the way you date or approach men. Perhaps writing a list of things you do / can do to make this better will be more helpful than pondering.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 February 2015):
 I think it's AMAZING how HE made the affair and "break up" all about it being YOUR fault.
He didn't want to worry about you maybe CHEATING on him.. Seriously? He IS the married party so maybe he KNOWS ALL about cheating...
He felt by giving you time he took away time from his child... BULLSHITE. Spending time with you SUITED him, it gave him that "new car smell" and a young thing to have sex with who totally looked up to him and adored him (even though he DIDN'T deserve such adoration).
I just had to put that out there.
HE made the CHOICE to not only LIE to you, but to LIE & CHEAT on his wife (it REALLY is irrelevant how miserable his marriage is.. IF he is still WITH her and hasn't FILED for divorce... HE IS STILL MARRIED to HER!) Why women FALL for the whole - OH my wife hates sex, or we don't want to stay married or blah blah blah.... it's BEYOND me. Women are SMARTER than that!
OK back to you. CHOOSING unavailable men is in SOME respects "EASIER", because you don't have to commit YOURSELF fully. You don't HAVE to deal with them 24/7 like you would a "real" partner.
Secondly, in your line of thinking, men who are "taken" MUST somehow be "better" then single men. It's not uncommon for people who are in a relationship to see happier then single people. I know I got hit on WAY MORE when I was in a relationship (and later marriage) than when I was single. I think people who are IN a relationship just radiate something. Unless of course the relationship/marriage they are in is totally miserable.
You say you have DEEP regret. Well, how about you then LEARN from this? Because REGRET will not make what you DID and what you PARTICIPATED in (cheating) better. Nor will regret make YOU feel better or make it easier to move on.
ACCEPT that you made a PISS-POOR choice.
ACCEPT that you KNEW beforehand that seeing someone who is married is NOT a good idea, but you DISREGARDED those values and notions, because it MADE you feel good in the moment. We have a saying where I'm from. Peeing on your pant in winter MIGHT make you feel all warm for a minute or two, but you will SOON find that is was REALLY REALLY bad idea.
YOU can't pull the "excuse" but it felt so right, I can't help myself...... Because YES, you can. You can CHOOSE to take some time to THINK about actions and consequences. And not JUST the consequence for you. When someone in a relationship/marriage cheats it has ramifications beyond JUST those two people.
So maybe, you have learned that you CAN decide if moving forward is the RIGHT thing to do or not. (for you mainly). If a guy seems unable to commit, end it and move on. YOU can not change a guy like that. If he is "taken" he automatically goes in the NOPE pile.
I think you are so "desperate" for love and affection that you are willing to turn of your common sense, your gut instincts, and values and then.... YOU end up in a mess like this.
Take responsibility for YOUR actions. (not those of some married dude), JUST your own. Because YOUR actions in all this were "bad" enough, but NOT AS bad as his.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): I appreciate all your responses. And last night I did do a little research on the site, and found similar stories to mine. All the advice given really hit home...NotSoHappy, I definitely believe it is due to self insecurity that does reside within myself, and for the time that I was with him, I allowed him to be the basis for my self worth. He did say a lot things, that made me believe he was completely into me as much as I was into him. But like you say, this is a facade...I feel as if I lost my buddy, we would workout together, get coffee, talk on the phone for hours...now I am just a nobody to him. And I can't help but this he got a prettier mistress, or one that was easier to deal with than I. This was the first time I went for a married man, yet previous relations with other men always comprised of men not able to commit because they weren't ready, or ones that just got out of a relationship.
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A
male
reader, dayvide  +, writes (20 February 2015):
 Several women also had this issue and I think you being able to say it out shows a great deal of courage.. My candid advise is to try and let this man just go.. Currently you are enjoying silver but your own diamond is out there.. If you remain stuck with this man you will hardly be able to see and mingle with a better man and you will keep living in fantasy world.. And you are right for the fact he cheated on his wife surely he's gonna do same to you even if he ever tie the knot with you.. Wake up and move on there are lots of good guys out there who deserve a great lady like you.. You deserve diamonds not just a piece of shining metal
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): Ok,so why do you think is not cheating?
(the "ummm no" part in brackets) It is cheating plain an simple.
You seem to be a smart girl and you seem to have figured it all out already. So just DONT DO IT!
Easier said than done,I know,but still that's what you NEED to do.
Oh,and please go and see a professional re:daddy issues. This may very well be why you are attracted to older/unavailable men. If yu don't treat the roor cause the cycle will keep repeating itself.
Good luck!
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