A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunties and Uncles,I've posted here before about my boyfriend's ex who has been contacting him on a regular basis. It started with her grandmother being in the hospital in October, then her grandmother's passing in November - my boyfriend barely spoke to her grandmother. Then she called again at 1am New Year's Eve crying - we later found out it was because she was sad over some guy she likes who doesn't like her back... this guy is someone her and my ex used to bump into once in a while at the gym. My boyfriend finally told her that he's in a comitted relationship and since, has not picked up her weekly/bi-weekly calls. She calls again the night before Valentine's Day. She called twice and my boyfriend didn't pick up. She left a message sounding kinda mad (I listened to her voicemail with my boyfriend) saying she just wants the address to the Auto Repair shop that my boyfriend goes to. So my boyfriend just texted her the address. I just find it so odd that she would want to take her car to an Auto Repair shop that's located over an hour from where she lives. Even if she was going there from her work place it'd take her about 45 minutes to get there. This girl is really something!! She just doesn't get it and appears to always be trying to reconnect in one way or another.Aside from really telling her to STOP IT.. what can we do? It's rude to always ignore her calls or not call her back, but I never know what she has up her sleeve is my boyfriend does call her back!
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 March 2015):
 The more you say, the more I regret my advice. Not that I was wrong, but that my advice may be inappropriate to your situation / personality.
Here is an updated bit of advice. If you are determined to maintain friendships with both of your exes, then the best thing you both can do is learn trust. You seem to be progressing well with trusting him. I see now that the problem is boundaries. You want to set boundaries for him. It would be better if you agree together on boundaries and be ready to compromise. (when I say "agree together", that does not mean he agrees to the terms you dictate).
What you are trying to do is difficult.
FA
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks SB for your reply!
The reason why I chose to stay in touch so closely with this specific ex boyfriend of mine is mainly because he is an awesome person. Also, a little background - he is in a wheelchair, been in one all his life. He doesn't get to go out often as the roads in the part of Europe where he resides in are not wheelchair friendly. He spends a lot of time online chatting with his local and online friends. I am now like an online friend to him.
As for my current boyfriend, he seems to have the perfect explanation/reasons and has not done anything to lose my trust. Just will have to see how things go from here on.
Thanks!
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (11 March 2015):
 Your boyfriend's behaviour is suspicious. Why would he not tell his ex that he now has a girlfriend when he's in contact with her regularly? And why would he delete an innocent text? He's obviously closer to her than he's letting on.
I also find it odd that you would want to stay in contact with your ex to the extent you've described.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your advice! Sorry that it took me a while to check back and reply. I've been super busy with work.I can't say that this situation is detrimental to our relationship at the moment, however, I fear that it may lead to that point.I personally have an ex boyfriend that I am close to and keep in touch with. We have also vowed to always bee in each other's lives. He lives in Europe and I live in the USA. When my ex and I talked on the phone and my boyfriend was there, I'd hand the phone over so they can say 'Hi'. About 70% of my convo with my ex is about my boyfriend and I, and the rest is about my ex's new girl. My boyfriend knows every time my ex and I talk and what we talk about.As for my boyfriend... there's a bit of history... During the first year we were dating, I didn't realize that he never told his ex that him and I were dating. I was fine with them being friends and going out to grab a bite to eat, all the while thinking she knew about me. I didn't find out until this past November (after about 11 months of dating) that he never told her about me. I found out because when she called and said her grandmother was in the hospital, I offered to accompany him to visit her grandmother. He said it was inappropriate because she might not like it and her family and friends will not like seeing him with me. That was when I got upset and said why won't they feel comfortable... him and the ex broke up a year ago.. don't they think he will find another girlfriend? That was when I questioned why hasn't he told his ex about me. He said he was concerned that it might hurt her feelings. I asked him to tell her that him and I are dating and finally in January 2015, he told her. After she called wanting to bring her car into his friend's auto body shop, I asked that he bring me over to the shop and introduce me to his friend, because at the time he also had a spare car in the shop that was being worked on. So when he went to check on the car, he brought me along and introduced me to his friend. Funny thing was, even after meeting me, his friend at the auto body shop felt the need to inform him of when his ex was bringing her car in, how much the estimate cost to fix it, and that he was fixing her bumper. So some how, some way, he was still connected to the situation. He swore he never asked, his friend just told him.Ever since then, he never mentioned his ex anymore. I brought it up the other night asking whether she called, and he said no. I said it was odd that she went several weeks without calling and he just said he doesn't know. I'm not sure if he's just hiding it from me or maybe suddenly out of the blue she decided to not contact him anymore.I'm not someone to check his phone or answer calls on his behalf. I really respect his privacy and if I really want to know, I will ask. I actually asked to see the text he texted her because when she called and left a voicemail asking for the address of the auto body shop, I was next to him when he took his phone and texted her the address. I didn't see what he texted but believed that it was the address to the auto body shop. Then the next day, I asked him if he can show me the text he texted her with the address and he said he deleted it. I asked why he would delete it and he said it wasn't important so he deleted it. I just found that weird.I don't even know what to make of the situation now. Do I believe him that she stopped all contact for the past three weeks? What if she contacts him again? What dramatic issue will it be this time? Do I have evidence that he did something to betray my trust? No... but do I trust him 100%? Not really.....
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 March 2015):
OP asks, "I also don't know what is the right way to maintain a platonic friendship with an ex while already in a comitted relationship."
It can't be done and here is the reason. Because there is history. Sexual history. Shared memories, that pop up every time they have contact. Your Boyfriend foolishly decided to maintain this contact after severing the sexual and living arrangements conditions. He made promises that compromise his future and current relationships.
So here it is you are in a polyandrous relationship. He loves you AND he loves her. And he has a sexual history with her. You are just beginning to see the poison this puts into your relationship.
My guess is that he assumed that she would soon replace him with another love and he could be a distant friend, but she is codependent and has a drive to keep all of her attachments as active as possible.
So are you going to accept this? Can you live like this?
As for the "a promise is a promise" thing yes I can't respect a man who breaks his promises, but I also have trouble respecting stupid.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2015): Hi,OP,ok,I know how to maintain a platonic relationship with an ex (since this seems to be really the question you are asking),but this is not the way.She might still be in love with him (and seems to be from her reactions), but on the other hand as your bf reactions to me seem completely normal (i.e. platonic/friendly), I wouldn't worry too much.I mean this is jealousy on your part.Your bf has shown you time and time again that HE CAN be TRUSTED-he is listening to voicemails with you,reads her msgs to you, you know about EVERYTHING that is going on with them + THEIR whole history.Really? What more can the chap do?He clearly has proven to you that he is NOT interested in her. She has had her time of the day. It is gone. She'll realise sooner or later that she CAN'T rope him back in if he doesn't love her.Just calm down and give it time.I like the idea of you picking up the phone whenever she calls:"Oh,sorry,honey, Ben is busy. Is there anything I can help you with?/ Is there anything that you want me to pass over to my bf?"It will pass.Also,I disagree with the other poster-a promise is a promise. A man is worth nothing (to me) if I know that I can't rely on his word. If he breaks his promise to her, he might well get in the habit of breaking promises and then break any he makes to you.If you BOTH truly recognise that she was not just his ex, but a FRIEND to him whilst he was in trouble,well, I think it's fair.Also, she might be "territorial" (i.e. not in love with him necessarily neither wanting him back, but just being unhappy to seem him with someone else when she has no one).Furthermore-her grandma passing is hardly a "made up" excuse to call your bf. I mean someone close to her passed away (just a couple of months ago!!) and she called a FRIEND for support.It doesn't matter if my friends don't know/haven't met my grandma-if something happens to her they that I will be DEVASTATED so they will be there to support ME.Your bf doesn't love her. He PITIES her. That's why he finds it hard to not reply-as he knows she feels bad now and she was there for him when he went through difficult times so he feels he has to be there for her too.I guess he has already told you that this friendship is non-negotiable? That's why you keep asking about it? You have to decide if you can overcome your jealousy/issues or not. YOU have to decide IF you can accept those conditions. IF you Can NOT accept the friendship-walk away.Then you can find somebody who DOES NOT keep friends with his exes. And he can find somebody who DOES.Simple as that.I guess there a couple more questions that you have to ask yourself though: is this somebody who you see yourself with for the foreseeable future ? (i.e. marriage)? IF SO- I promise you this is growing pains. The relationship between your ex and his ex is going to be COMPLETELY different in a year or two. It's a question of whether you can wait it out or not.IF those two people have decided that they WILL be in each other's lives NO MATTER WHAT- you can't change that much. Again, it's a question of whether you can tolerate it or not.Btw, SHE can not go through the 7 stages of grief within such short period of time (it's barely been 3 months yet!),so she is acting irrational/looking for love in places where she used to be able to get it.The other thing I'm confused about-if she 85% out of your lives,why does the other 25% bother you so, SO MUCH? (if I remember the correct post)You kinda contradict yourself in several places, but that's normal when we get emotional.My advice would be: mark your territory (subtly,ie. "What can MY bf help you with?"), don't show too much to your bf (another male poster was right-if he has two women fighting OVER him he LOVES the attention and he won't do ANYTHING to stop it any time soon. So change your response- act like it doesn't bother you, even if it does, and maybe his response to that new reaction will be different?Don't know)+ overdo it on the kindness front.That way she is digging her own hole to get out of-not you.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (21 February 2015):
She gets it and knows exactly what she's doing, she just doesn't care and wants him back.
How about the next time she calls, you answer the phone? :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 February 2015):
 Well, it DOES complicate matter that they made this "pact" however, IF what she is doing is DETRIMENTAL to YOUR relationship, should YOUR relationship NOT supersede a "promise"? So many people make promises like that, that they WANT to keep (in the moment it's given) but later find out that it really ISN'T worth the hassle.
She ISN'T being platonic if she is constantly FISHING for his attention.
Being friends with a ex means you would basically TREAT them as you treat your other friends. Which in my book MIGHT include weekly (at least) phone calls and occasionally testing.
She doesn't HAVE to like you. It really doesn't matter at all, just like YOU don't have to like her either.
YOUR Bf have to decide if he CAN manage being FRIENDS with her without complicating his relationship with his partner (you). And YOU have to decide if you can tolerate this or not.
He doesn't OWE the GF anything. SHE made the choice to BE with him and take care of him after the accident. Yes, she could have left because it's the easier way out, but she CHOSE to stay, and now... SHE is milking that to HER benefit.
People should DO ACTS of kindness (such as hers) with strings attached or ulterior motives. Such as... IF she needs help HE has to be there for her. THAT is not KINDNESS that is CALCULATED.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen my boyfriend and his ex broke up over a year ago, they made a promise to each other that they will stay in touch and always stay friends no matter what. Their case is a bit different because she's really gone above and beyond the role of a girlfriend and was there for him, taking care of him for almost a year after he was involved in a major accident. Both my boyfriend and I recognize and appreciate what she has done. We want to keep contact and if she ever needs us to return the favor we'd gladly do so. However, her calling him every week/every other week and then when he fails to answer her calls she gives these reasons are making me feel weird. She also doesn't seem to like me much and was not happy to hear he's in a relationship with me. To me it seems like she brings up these 'situations' or 'problems'.. such as her grandmother being ill, then passed, then issues with this guy whose a mutual acqauintance, then wanting to bring her car to his friend's Auto Repair place near his home. I think she's waiting for him to react to them to see if he still cares and to what level. She'll never ask for anything right out.. it seems she's just waiting to see his response.My boyfriend's attitude toward all this is 'whatever' if she calls and he has time, he'll pick up and chat for a few. If he's busy then he'll ignore her call. He really doesn't care... but I'm the one that gets annoyed and wondeing when will she finally get the message to stop trying to fish for reactions. I also don't know what is the right way to maintain a platonic friendship with an ex while already in a comitted relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 February 2015):
He can just get a new phone number or BLOCK her number. Personally, I'd go with the new number, because if he blocks HER number she can just use a friend's phone.
However, this is your BF's ISSUE that HE has to deal with.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 February 2015):
 A good mechanic and a good pediatrician...yeah bob
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 February 2015):
On the other hand for a mechanic you can trust . . .
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2015):
 it is NOT rude to ignore her if he's told her to cut it out.
she played him like a fiddle to get him to respond. NOW she knows he's still listening to her messages and if it's a "reasonable request" he will respond.
IGNORE HER but block her is the best thing.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 February 2015):
Block, unfriend, delete, she'll get the message.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (20 February 2015):
Get your boyfriend to tell her to stop contacting him and explain why (again). Then get your boyfriend to block her no from his phone.
Make sure he has privacy set up properly on any social media he uses so she can't see what he's posting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): Honestly, he can just tell her you don't like them being in touch and you are his priority so goodbye.You'll look like the bad guy to her but who cares what she thinks. You and your bf know that you've both had enough.Making you the bad guy will help save her ego a bit. She'll think he's whipped and will stop bothering. Also, it will make your bf feel less bad.We take the heat for each other like this all the time. We both know that we've mutually agreed on something as a couple but depending on the case, we'll have a 'PR statement' that will make people not ask questions and leave us to it. Like leaving a work do early because he's finished making dinner. It may sound bad to others but I say it because I don't want to say 'I'm not having that much fun - see ya'
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