A
female
age
41-50,
*alonlyplace
writes:I need some help I cant stop seeking and cheating on my husband i love him very much however he is so cold to me and not supportive of me in any ways that i can think of. I constantly seek out the eyes and hands of other men to fill a void i feel i am lacking. I want a true monogomus relationship and feel that it is the only way ppl should be then how do i go against my moral and vaules i always feel so guilty and shameful for what i do but i cant help what i need. I have tried to talk to the cold husband about my needs and he shuts me down dont want to hear it type of action. I feel so alone and even worse for doing what i have resulted to doing to get some time spent loving me. Please help me understand why i cant get through to him and why i seem to have this need so much Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): It sounds like your husband is either 1) a control freak; 2) is not interested in the marriage anymore; or 3) is cheating himself which can lend to number 2. There is not enough to really go on so I guess my question is: Did you know he was like this when you married him or did you notice a sudden change? If he was already like this then you made a mistake by getting married. If he all of a sudden changed, then he could be cheating. Not that he is, he could be.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): If you are boinking evrything in sight I doubt there is any point in trying to saving this marriage. Have you told your husband? He has a right to know so he can make some choices of his own.
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A
male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (7 October 2010):
 he sounds like the classic bully. why do you stay with him?.
he treats you like the housekeeper not like a wife.
you must have been desperate to cheat on him the first time, i hope there are no children in this sham marriage.
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A
female
reader, Alwaysunsure189 +, writes (7 October 2010):
So your husband isn't meeting important needs of yours, so as a human you seek them out somewhere else.I didn't read the other posters answers but I'm assuming someone has probably attacked your character already. Don't listen to it. We all have needs and affairs of this type only point to the fact that there is something wrong inside the relationship that needs attention. Don't get me wrong, youve really complicated things now. But you need to stop beating yourself up. I've been in a similar situation and I know that the guilt of hurting someone you love can kill you, but what is worse is if you wind up in a situation where you are having two relationships that are both meeting half of your needs and then you have to hurt one of the people you care about and yourself just to get back to even so you can actually have a real relationship. It's h*ll. So now stop looking back and start looking forward. You can't change the past so let's work with what you have in front of you. First thing, stop cheating. Just stop. Make yourself.Then you need to talk to your husband about what is missing in your relationship and help him to understand that he is not meeting a crucial need of yours, one that makes it impossible for you to be in a relationship. Suggest counseling. If he is willing to work on this problem then give him the chance to do so, and dont give in to any temptation to cheat during this time. I am not going to tell you that you should tell your husband. I think that is a very personal decision that you and only you can make. I personally feel that your husband should not have to bear the pain of finding out you cheated on him and clearing your conscience is not a good enough reason. I also value honesty and trust in a relationship so it is possible that coming clean to him would be the only way your marriage could truly thrive again because it is hard to live a lie. It is tricky because there is no true right answer here, so this is what I mean when I say you've complicated things very much. If you tell him he might leave you, and he has every right to do so, but it is fair to let him make a real decision based on all the facts. He may also see that he drove you away and so (like my husband did) be willing to give it another go if you promise it will never happen again and work to rebuild trust and be accountable for your whereabouts at all times AND he does whatever is necessary to start meeting your needs.That being said, if he isn't interested in working to meet your needs once you have expressed this to him, you have a choice to make. You can either leave the relationship and find one that fulfills you, or you can stay in a marriage for the other reasons you love him but you MUST NOT continue to cheat. That isn't a marriage at all, and you will never be happy if you continue that behavior, no matter how good it feels in the heat of the moment.You will probably benefit from getting individual counseling as well, no matter how this ends.I hope that helped and I sincerely wish you the best of luck and I hope that you wind up happy and fulfilled in the end.3
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): You really need to see a counselor...on your own, not with the spouse.
First of all, you are cheating.
Secondly, your husband is not affectionate....
Thirdly you feel guilty but continue doing things you feel guilty about.
Fourthly, you feel a "void", and you really need to know what that is and why you are trying to fill it with a cold and distant husband and passionate lovers. This doesn't work.
The other men just make both problems worse, with him as well as with you.
You may not agree with this, but a lot of men who have sex with married women get an extra big kick out of doing them behind the husband's back...and they are probably excited less about you than about the fact that you are cheating and you husband doesn't know and they are "putting one over on the other guy". You get excited because they get excited, etc. But, it's not real, and it's not a "relationship"...it's an empty act in the end.
Once the spouse knows, the excitement starts to die...the attraction dies...the sex just becomes sex...
I'm not trying to beat you up, I hope it works out. But affairs and "illicit" liasons are somewhat addictive.
Good luck, stop working on the husband and work on yourself for a while. Perhaps it will work out.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 You can get through to him better by using fewer words and be more direct about what you want. For example, "I want more passion," "I want you to be more attentive to my needs." are going to make him feel like failure, and he's going to scratch his head about what he needs to do. "I would appreciate a massage, an oral, or a hug" would be much better. Sometimes you have to tell him you just want him to listen to you without interrupting with solutions.
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A
female
reader, porcelaindevil +, writes (6 October 2010):
I think you are staying in the relationship/marriage for the wrong reasons. You can love someone and not be in love with them, and that's what it sounds like to me. A husband that is cold and unsupportive is not there for you. Can you do it on your own? Of course you can, you did it before! Can you love again? Of course you can, but seeking physical attention in lieu of intellectial attention is not the answer! Do unto others as other unto you! How would you feel if he did it to you?Bottom line is, what you are doing is wrong! You need to either resolve the issue by telling him this is the way it is, or you need to leave him.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (6 October 2010):
Your marriage is totally dead. He's as cold as ice, and you're cheating. It'a match made in hell.
Look, you've already tried talking to him, and he's still cold, still doesn't give you attention. And you're cheating, and you continue to cheat. The marriage is dead. There's really no love here at all.
I think you need to make the step to end it. You're just not happy, and even after discussing this, he's not made an effort to change in any way. Why would you want to be in this marriage any longer? It's insane. We all know it's going to end, so it might as well end now while your affairs can be kept under wraps so you don't wind up with a bad rep for cheating. He isn't going to change, and there's no way of getting through to him. So instead, pull out now and find a guy who can offer you what you want before it's too late.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): You need to seek marital counseling if you really want to save this marriage. I suggest you going on your own at first to get help with your obsessive needs.
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