A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,It's the old story: two women, who to choose? Just want some perspective.I met a girl Rachel (28) in June this year online. She is a pretty girl. We talked on MSN for a month or so and on the phone. She said that she wasn't ready for a relationship because she was going through some tough times currently like work stress and her good friend was in a coma. I asked her out five or six times but she always politely declined.So although we still chatted once a week or so I gave up on her and met another girl, Samantha. Samantha (30) is a great girl too but a lot different personality that Rachel. She isn't as attractive as Rachel either not that it matters but to give some insight. Samantha seems to have a more difficult time opening up and sharing feelings. Plus I found out that she was with a few men (about 15) before me and this could be one of the causes of her trepidation since she claims she was "hurt a lot".To add to things for some damn reason knowing that her past men are double my partners seems to get to me a lot too but trying to overlook it.Anyway, I told Rachel that I had met a girl during one of our usual weekly chats. Well, her perspective changed all of a sudden. She wanted to get together for coffee which I did since I had only started dating Samantha and it was only a week or two after we met. We went out a couple of times and I must admit I find it easier to talk to Rachel and our personalities at enjoying good conversation are a lot alike.Then time went on and I continued to date Samantha but still talked with Rachel as friends. Well the past two weeks Rachel has been texting me non-stop. She said that she screwed up and should've given me a chance to begin with. She knows I have a few concerns about Samantha's personality and says I should leave her. But she also admitted she was getting over a relationship when we first met and wasn't ready to date. However, she told me she went on a date with another guy at the end of August. She was obviously ready to date then. If she was why not go out with me? So I get the idea that she's flighty. She did however call me and cried on the phone saying she screwed up and talks to her mom and friends about me all the time. My sense is she just doesn't know what she wants but it also seems like she's not putting me on sometimes. She also doesn't have the wild past Samantha has and knows what it's like to be in a long term relationship. She's had a 3-yr relationship, a 2-yr and a 1-yr. Samantha's longest one was 8 mos.So the long and short of it is I'm confused here. Chances are both are not right in the long run but still I'd like to date the one who's best for me right now. Thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): May I add, you say Rachel's had long term relationships, that is ONLY generally a measure of stability. You hold good conversations with her while Sam is rather reserved - if so, how did you manage to find out such personal detail of her relationship history? Are you sure the fact she is not very open is a consequence of her discreet nature or maybe she has reasons to hide or simply it's a measure of a rather [inexpressive] personality? Basically you are to explore predominantly from outside(chatter, generalities, tendencies to avoid personal data, general expressivity, verbal and non)-in (behind words and "stated" intentions). That Rachel has a shining personality does not tell about her private being. That Sam is reserved with words does not essentially mean she treasures them enough to avoid the idle talk, but contrariwise, may be inserting these breaches intentionally to hide her real self, in which case she always WILL... hide and you always will feel estranged from her or pulled away. It's always disconcerting! to deal with the quite, the unrevealed, but at times well-worth. If you have certain experience in the virtual area you will be able to distinguish between nuances and act accordingly seeing to it that the initial faultinesses don't develop into daily issues.
Of course, your doubts won't be [dissipated] but little by our answers, yet rather by observing the two act in their environment, and if you already suspect incoherences and potential incompatibilities they can be confirmed or weakened by their subsequent actions in relation to you and the environment. One idea would be not to advance with either until you can see clearer which your choice should be... as human actions unfortunately cannot be reversed, although this way you stand the risk of losing both. I'd not pick the one who expresses herself better but the one who seems more sincere and more compatible in personality and MAY YOU establish THE other significant criteria!
A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (13 December 2007):
 Ok, you are internet dating. I've done it myself I met my fiance online, so I know the deal.
The thing is, when you date online, you have not a couple of women to choose from...you have thousands and thousands.
Rachel is flighty and you don't sound 100% into Samantha, so why make a choice. I don't get it, neither one of them are right, keep moving on my friend. You can still be friends with these girls, but why settle. The whole point of internet dating is meeting lots and lots of people.
When I began interet dating I wrote a list of what I was looking for, so that in some regards it helped me keep a clear head. You can get carried away and let your feelings get ahead of you. I think you know really Rachel is only interested in you because another woman is....its classic female behaviour. And I don't believe for one minute you think Sam is the love of your life....so move on and keep searching.
In some respects when I met my man, there was not a question in my mind that he was the "one". It was like he worked the same way I worked......our core beliefs were the same, we had the same values, it was love at first sight. In many ways it was like I had known him my whole life. We later discovered that our ancesters were buried side by side in a litte old stone church. Fancy that, 150 yrs ago our families lived side by side...now generations later we find each other online. In 5 months we are getting married in that same little old stone church.
My point is, online dating is a fabulous tool to meeting people. Don't settle for the first few you meet, let destiny play its cards.... the "one" is out there mate, you just have to take your time to find her.
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A
female
reader, lolo89 +, writes (13 December 2007):
 to me it really doesn't sound like your so keen on Samantha otherwise you would'nt have kept in contact with rachel.
Rachel messed up..but it looks like she wants to put it right now, it sounds like she really likes you..(the calls, coffee, opening up to you). It seems like she panicked when you met samantha incase she lost you. Give her another chance and ask her out.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 First off, it doesn't seem that you are that interested in Samantha so do both of you a favor and eliminate her from the either or. Regarding Rachel, I'm not sure she's there yet for a relationship so you could continue to pursue her while you date other women. I don't think you NEED to make a decision either/or because to me then you're just settling for someone. Maybe you should define what you want in a woman and start over. No woman wants to be the consolation prize.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): Rachel is the girl for you. She sounds well-balanced, there's no past 'sex partner' issues, and she has a proven track record of being in a committed, 2 year. long term relationship. That tells me, she knows how to get through the highs and lows that come with love relationships. I am sure you agree, relationships are damned hard work. Now, you mention the following,
"However, she (Rachel) told me she went on a date with another guy at the end of August. She was obviously ready to date then. If she was why not go out with me?"
Is this a real dumb Double standard here or did I read that wrong?? You are dating Samantha. so why can't Rachel date others? Maybe she wasn't sure about you and your level of committment to even wanting to date her? Don't be so inane about this issue. Dating is a selection process and you were simply being 'thought about' at that time. Maybe she wanted to get to know you better. That's her 'right' as a single, unattached, available woman. She sounds like a smart girl. Just my take. Good luck in your choice.
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (12 December 2007):
 From the way things sound, it seems to me like you settled for Samantha because Rachel was unavailable and that is who you prefer. I think you are avoiding the inevitable. Eventually, you are going to have to choose. That is the funny thing about relationships they are risky and you do not want to regret your decision. Since you are not equipped with a crystal ball I think you should think about your decision long and hard and be honest with the women when you make up your mind to avoid hurting anyone.
I hope everything works out for you, Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (12 December 2007):
 If you are not keen on Samantha, please tell her and stop wasting her time. What has Samantha's past got to do with you anyway? I think you are way too judgemental. I dated a good few guys before I met my current boyfriend on line too and no way does he judge me at all. As for Rachel, it seems she has a lot of issues about settling down at the moment. She maybe testing the waters by dating other guys, so that she can be sure that she is finding her Mr Right. Try talking to other women on line before you actually commit yourself for future dates, so that you can be 100% certain that they meet your criteria and that you also have common ground with them too. Hope I have been of help to you. Dusky xx PS Looks are not everything either, try loving a woman for who they are as well.
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A
female
reader, 209jess +, writes (12 December 2007):
Hiya,
If i were in your shoes I would stick with Samantha. Yes, she comes with alot of baggage but I think everyone deserves a chance. Also this Rachel only seems to have shown interest now you have told her you've found someone else...
No one can tell you what you want or what you should do there's only you who can decide that. But if you were really happy with Samantha OR Rachel you wouldn't be asking the question!
let us know how it goes.
Jess
xx
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