A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: If you were in my situation, what would you do? Long story short, I've been in a long distance relationship for almost 8 years. The first 2 years in our relationship were amazing, he was loving, caring and very sweet. We talked about moving in together and he even brought up marriage !! He told me I am the one !!I was ready to relocate, it wasn't a big deal for me to move to a different city or to look for a new job. I am a globetrotter :-) He was the one deciding when we can meet and for how long. He used to call me anytime but I couldn't reach him when I want to. He is in the army and there was times when he was also deployed and sending emails was the only way to communicate. After almost 3 years in the relationship, he promised by the end of the 3rd year he will let me know when I can move in, instead he emailed me he doesn't want me to move in at all, he is happy the way he lives now and he needs to have some stability in life first, either I accept the relationship the way it is or I could end it. I did not breakup with him, I could not, I loved him, I still do and accepted the situation BUT I did not know how much he is a controlling freak until maybe 2 years ago. All those years whenever I asked when can we meet, he will come up with any excuse that it is not a good time, then maybe a week later he will ASK me to plan to visit him for a weekend, weekend only, also he would email me when to call him, at what time and if I'm late few minutes he won't pickup the phone. Sometimes he would call at the wee hours for Sunday morning ask me to call him back.FYI - I am not clingy, needy or a nagging person.Two weeks ago I missed him and felt like calling him, just to check in, I did call but as I expected he did not pickup the phone, I knew he won't. I got upset and emailed him that I called, he said I should call back but I did not, an hour later he called me, he said he is in a business centre and he can't talk for a long time, I offered to call him later if he would like, he said no, why, what do I want to talk about !! I did not say anything on the phone but emailed him that I decided to take a break from emailing him and or calling him. He did not like that and he called me again. I told him we've been fighting a lot lately and I can't be the women he wants to control and he wants to dictate when and what to do. I also told him I couldn't take the pressure he puts on me, I find he pushes too hard and I need a break. After almost 2 weeks in my break and just last Wednesday he left me a message on my voice mail at home asking me to start emailing him, like I used to. I did not like that, I feel he is even controlling the break I asked for. Should I email him and say I will contact him when I am ready !!
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (10 February 2013):
 When he said "he doesn't want me to move in at all, he is happy the way he lives now... either I accept the relationship the way it is or I could end it" what he's saying is he's not interested in being in a relationship with you. You can continue the way things are long-distance but this isn't going to go anywhere. You can either accept that or move on.
You have chosen to continue by not ending it, calling and emailing him for another 5 years. I suggest you just break up. This isn't going anywhere and you're wasting your time with this one when you could be out there meeting someone else.
"Two weeks ago I missed him and felt like calling him, just to check in, I did call but as I expected he did not pickup the phone, I knew he won't... I got upset and emailed him that I called"
So you're not clingy? Yet, you're going out of your mind you can't talk to him? I'm confused.
"I emailed him that I decided to take a break from emailing him and or calling him. He did not like that and he called me again. I told him we've been fighting a lot lately and I can't be the women he wants to control and he wants to dictate when and what to do. I also told him I couldn't take the pressure he puts on me, I find he pushes too hard and I need a break."
Sounds to me you're the one putting the pressure on here. How is he controlling anything at all from long distance?
Just end it completely before you go completely bonkers. Change your email, change your numbers and leave it there.
All these stupid games. I suppose you're hoping by having this break you're going to change his mind completely? You're struggling for control, which you don't have, and this really does sound like a game kids would play in the playground.
This is not a relationship. Surely, you don't want to be with someone who has told you this LDR isn't going anywhere do you? So why the games. Just do both of you a favour and take him up on his offer...
A) Continue as it is (this isn't going anywhere) or;
B) End it.
The answer is... B) End it.
Sounds to me like you want more from him (which you're not going to get) and you haven't ended it.
Leaving you a voicemail is not controlling in any way. Did he call 1,000,000 times until you answered? Did he send you 1,000,000 emails begging for some contact? No. He left a voicemail after 2 weeks. Meanwhile, in one day, you tried to call him, then you emailed him, then he called you after a whole hour and said he couldn't talk for long, you offered to call back later. He is controlling you is he? I think you're both as bad as each other.
Honestly, my advice is, if you don't like it, leave him and find someone else. This power-play game you're playing is only going to string it all out and nothing will change.
How long is a break anyway? Is he supposed to be psychic and just know when you're break time is up? Two weeks is a break... One week is a break... A weekend is a break... A month? A year? Oh I see, he's supposed to guess you meant 4 weeks.
Stop playing games and just end it if you're not happy.
I'm sorry but you do come across as needy and clingy. Who else would stick around for 5 years after hearing "this ain't going anywhere so you can like it or lump it and leave".
"Any girl would have been thrilled to hear from her boyfriend but I was not"
There you go then. End it. Simple.
"Just for the record I tried few times to breakup before but he keeps calling me back and I give in most of the time... Eight years is such a long time, It's not easy to say that's it."
So from what I can make out here you haven't actually broken up? You "tried", you "give in" and then you say "it's not easy to say that's it".
It is easy to say that's it. That. Is. It.
Tell him as he said this isn't going anywhere I've decided I can't carry on like this and would rather meet someone who can give me what I want. It's over.
Then change your phone number and your email and move on.
OldBag: "He has been stringing you along for 8 years now, he has probably got several women on the go,maybe even a wife and kids."
Technically, if he was stringing her along it was for 5 years. We don't know what he's got. Maybe she just doesn't float his boat but he likes talking to her? Maybe he has 17 wives, maybe he has a problem building relationships with women because his mum didn't buy him the computer game he wanted for his birthday. It doesn't matter.
After almost 3 years the guy said "he doesn't want me to move in at all, he is happy the way he lives now... either I accept the relationship the way it is or I could end it."
Hello? He was honest and told you straight. If a woman told me that I woudn't stick around for a week let alone another 5 years.
OldBag: "Do yourself a HUGE favour and finish it,block him and delete every message and his number and go find a man who will marry you,live with you,make you happy."
I do agree with this bit. If this isn't what you want. Finish it and find someone who can offer you whatever it is you want. You should've done this 5 years ago.
"Should I email him and say I will contact him when I am ready"
Eh? Sorry? I'm confused. I thought you wanted to break up? Just get it over with and end it. That would be the right thing to do. How old are you 5? Finish it and move on with your life.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (10 February 2013):
If I'm reading this correctly, you've been in a long distance relationship for 8 years? If so it's absolutely time to end things. What could you be getting out of this that you can't find near you?
I realize that you have a history together. 8 years is a long time, but it has never been a proper relationship and you're overdue for one.
Now, if having a permanent LDR is okay with you then I'll give you my opinion about your original question. When two people take a break its pretty normal for the one who didn't want the break to have questions. You should be able clear that you absolutely don't want any contact with him until you call him. But, I don't think him asking to end the break is too controlling, I think you're overreacting.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 February 2013):
 Hi
He has been stringing you along for 8 years now, he has probably got several women on the go,maybe even a wife and kids.
He isn't 'controlling the break' it was merely a message,he wasn't on your doorstep.He probably thinks you will calm down and just slip back into this weird arrangement because for 8 loooong years,you have accepted his rubbish.
Do yourself a HUGE favour and finish it,block him and delete every message and his number and go find a man who will marry you,live with you,make you happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2013): thanks a lot to both of you for your replies. Daisy Daisy please don't judge me. I thought I need maybe 4 weeks break to clear my head and decide what I want to do and he did not ask me on the phone how long I need a break and whether it is a breakup or really just a break, so I thought well he obviously does not care and I did not expect him to call me after just 2 weeks in my break asking me to end it. I did not like that he called, it felt like he is invading my privacy and he is controlling my decision to have my own space/time. Any girl would have been thrilled to hear from her boyfriend but I was not !!
Just for the record I tried few times to breakup before but he keeps calling me back and I give in most of the time !! Eight years is such a long time, It's not easy to say that's it.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (9 February 2013):
 How long is this break you've asked for, and have you told him what your time frame is? Do you know yourself? As controlling as he is, I doubt anyone enjoys being left dangling during an indeterminate break.
In all honesty I think you should break up with him because it doesn't sound like much of a relationship. The controlled weekend visits and limited phone contact make me wonder whether you're the only woman in his life, but I could be wrong.
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