A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My Husband and I have been seperated for three months. We both have children, and unfortuately his kids have never really gotten along with me. the girls have always lived with their mom, who has always been very lient with them. They have been allowed to come and go as they pleased. As for myself and my children, I have always enforced curfews, pushed education and sports, and have always believed in structure. From time to time when they wernt getting along with their mother, they would come to live with us for a few months only to go back. I tried to treat them just like I treated my own, and after a while our worlds would end up clashing. I never expected my husband to take my side, only because I knew that if he rocked the boat with them. They would cut off all contact with him for months, and it devistates him. Again, since our split the girls have all had a change of heart and moved in with him. Now, he and I are trying to patch things up, with hopes of reconciling, But part of me wonders if the girls will give us a hard time, like they have in the past. They truely believe I hate them..but I dont. I'm struggling to understand their lifestyle...and trying to get along with them. I need advice...what can i tell them to let them know I really truley do love them...that I only want the best for them. and that i am not some drill sergent that they think i am...HELP!!
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female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 I get where you are coming from and the rule and life skills you are talking about honestly well they are not a lot to ask for. But still believe the best chance of fixing things with your husband is to step back and let him and their mother try and control them and then if god forbid anything goes wrong for them they cant blame you.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 You can't impose your parenting style on someone else's kids. Even if,undoubtly, you did and do a much better job than their own parents !
How does your husband feel about early sexual activity, frat parties, etc. ? If HE has a problem with that, then it's his job to set rules and enforce them. Your attempt to substituting him in that , no matter how well meant ,is understandably gonna be seen as interfering ( and implicitly criticizing their mother ) and it's gonna breed resentment and hostility.
What you can expect and demand, is that they treat you with respect and courtesy when you are living under the same roof.
For all the rest - school,sex,career choices- they already have their own parents handling that - even if in a way that it's not your way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe girls are 21...16..14..13. As far as changing their lifestyle..I dont believe that 14 yr olds should be allowed to be sexually active at age 12. At age 12 and 15 They shouldnt be allowed to go to frat parties. I want them to grow up to be healthy women...I want them to have that chance to have an education..a career. be independent. I was only trying to raise them the same as my own 15 yr old. Like I said curfews are enforced...homework...chores...hygiene. Basics! I guess your right...ppl are who they are.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 have you considered some family counselling, maybe with a person who has no agenda leading some honest communications between you all, your husband, your children and his children, you may be able to find some common ground.
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A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (8 January 2011):
I do not know how old these girls are, but i am 20 and if a few years ago someone had married my dad and tried to change my life style the way a behaved and force their ways upon me they would have gotten exactly the same responce, and this isnt me saying this is what you are actually doing bu through their eye this is how they see it.Honestly you not their mom and it dont sound like they want you to be either, your best plan would be to step back, of course they MUST still respect you as an adult and their fathers wife, but when it comes to parenting atyle maybe be more lenient than you would like to be, as in the grand scheme of things it will cause less problems.I hope you can see im suggesting this is your fault but as the adult in the situation then it would be you that must take the steps to fix things. by the way it is lovely to see as a step parent that you clearly care about these girls and want what is best for everyone.
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