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female
,
anonymous
writes: Hii posted on the 15th about my fiance who was demanding that i marry him and move in else he would leave me, well i jsut want to say thanks to bev and the other readers who answered.I did speak to him and asked why he would suddenly ask this of me after 3 years but he wasnt changing his mind, and so we have split up. I am now trying to think of reasons why im better off without him and im not coping very well to be honest. I dont remeber how it is to be on my own and it scares me to be alone. Does anyone have any suggestion about how to get over long-term relationships? i know time will heal but im in a right state and i have essays, a dissertation and exmas to do in the next couple of months and i cant concentrate. i need to get back on track, are there any websites u could reccommend i read or anything. thank u!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2006): Hello, tips I would suggest to get through the short term period are keep yourself busy ie wash the dishes, clean out a cupboard etc this puts your negative energy into somthing positive and gives you less time to ruminate on the past. Put the T.V. on when your in the house on your own even if your not watching it, the background noise will make your home feel less empty.Accept invitations to all social events, take up a new hobby where you will meet other people and look up old friends. Keep reminding yourself to do everyday tasks have a bath, cook a meal, just keep doing the next right thing in front of you to get through the day. Set time aside 20mins or so to write down your feelings each day, get it all out on paper. You can keep it for future self reflection or burn it.After the set time though let it go and make a concious effort to push morbid thoughts aside, concentrate on the task in hand or plan your future etc.Be kind to yourself, there is no blame or guilt attatched to your decision.You did what you thought was the right thing for you and are trying your best, dont beat yourself up. Make a list of all the positive things in your life Health, Family etc untill you have at least ten things on the list. Take one day at a time, they will soon roll into weeks then months and you will find yourself adjusting, you may even find that you like being on your own. Whatever happens in the future, even if you get back with your ex, you will grow personally and come out of this experience a stronger more confident person.
good luck anon
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (17 March 2006):
 Hi,
I'm really sorry that you're having trouble with how this worked out, but -- trust me -- you ARE better off without a person in your life making unreasonable demands of you.
After all, how can a person who claims to love you reconcile his insistance that you do something that only pleases him? Giving in to a command like that sets a terrible precendent for a life you're supposed to share with an equal partner, doesn't it? By taking this time apart you've made a very healthy stand about your own opinions.
I think you're very strong!
And here are a few nice things to think about. You now have:
- Less stress in your life (no pressure to disrupt your life)
- Fewer arguments
- More time for yourself (indulge!)
- Fewer distractions at home/More time to devote to your education
- More control over your life (do what you want)
There are some really good articles and concise websites with excellent advice about how to get over a breakup. I can recommend a couple and no doubt you can Google up some others.
dating.about.com/od/recoverymovingon/ht/MoveOnSecrets_p.htm
www.breakups.com/getoverit.html (this made me laugh)
http://www.yourlifehappiness.com/love_getoverbreakup.html
Please let me reiterate that I think you made a smart choice. You've established a boundary and stood up for the only logical choice. No doubt your fiance has some deep thinking to do, and I feel pretty sure that you'll hear from him again. After all, if he loves you then he wants to BE WITH you, right? And if he only wanted to push you around and be your Big Boss, well... then you're well rid of him.
Take care, dear!
...............................
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly +, writes (17 March 2006):
Hi,
I'm really sorry that you're having trouble with how this worked out, but -- trust me -- you ARE better off without a person in your life making unreasonable demands of you.
After all, how can a person who claims to love you reconcile his insistance that you do something that only pleases him? Giving in to a command like that sets a terrible precendent for a life you're supposed to share with an equal partner, doesn't it? By taking this time apart you've made a very healthy stand about your own opinions.
I think you're very strong!
And here are a few nice things to think about. You now have:
- Less stress in your life (no pressure to disrupt your life)
- Fewer arguments
- More time for yourself (indulge!)
- Fewer distractions at home/More time to devote to your education
- More control over your life (do what you want)
There are some really good articles and concise websites with excellent advice about how to get over a breakup. I can recommend a couple and no doubt you can Google up some others.
dating.about.com/od/recoverymovingon/ht/MoveOnSecrets_p.htm
www.breakups.com/getoverit.html (- this made me laugh)
http://www.yourlifehappiness.com/love_getoverbreakup.html
Please let me reiterate that I think you made a smart choice. You've established a boundary and stood up for the only logical choice. No doubt your fiance has some deep thinking to do, and I feel pretty sure that you'll hear from him again. After all, if he loves you then he wants to BE WITH you, right? And if he only wanted to push you around and be your Big Boss, well... then you're well rid of him.
Take care, dear!
...............................
A
female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (17 March 2006):
 I would visit your school/local library and get some books out that help with coping with loss. These may help.
I would write a list of what things you WERENT happy with in the relationship and the things you can now enjoy about being single.
Hope this helps a little
Good luck - I know its hard but writing a list of the bad things in the relationship will help you look at him and the relationship honestly and also look at what you want in your life and what sort of man you need to help you get that.
...............................
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